The Birds
By admin | October 7, 2006
Every night as I get near to the building I work in, by bicycle, I can hear birds singing in the dark.
It’s black so the birds should be asleep. But I don’t think they can sleep because light from the night tennis courts, on the corner of the street where I turn into the industrial park where my office is, keeps them awake.
Every night I pass those courts and hear those birds sing I think, “They must be exhausted during the day, how do they get things done? Do they drag themselves around wondering what’s wrong with them?”
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The Guy Who Cleans the Office
By call | October 9, 2006
After I asked him what the national dish of Hungary was, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office where I work showed me a picture of his dog.
Then he took a transparent plastic envelope full of photos out from the inside pocket of his motorcycle jacket and showed me a picture of his mother in the garden of their house in Hungary.
He also had photographs of the armchairs in his living room and some of the coloured fabric in his home and one of his television set. “These are favourite things,” he said. “I like colour and Sony”.
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No Sunlight
By call | October 9, 2006
At 24 past 7 I say to Alison, “Al, its not even half past 7″
‘I know. Awful.’ She says.
‘I might look for another job.’ I tell her. ‘But where else pays 7 pounds an hour for doing nothing?’
I look past Alison toward the back of the office where the more important members of staff sit.
There are 2 of them left, clacking on their keyboards at half past 7 when they don’t even have to be here.
‘I couldn’t work here everyday,’ I say.
‘Imagine living in this 8 hours a day, says Alison, ’seeing no sunlight.’
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Internet Pt I
By call | October 11, 2006
When I get to work Emma’s sitting at the computer I usually sit at.
She’s a day person but works Wednesday night, which is why she’s still at her desk.
I sit down next to her at the desk Alison usually sits at.
I have a sensation of slight disappointment. There are two computers out of all the customer service computers that have Internet connections and Emma’s is one of them.
“I’m disappointed there’s no Internet connection at this desk.” I say to Emma.
“There aren’t any connections anymore on any of them,” she says, “Sharon’s had them all disconnected.”
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Internet Pt II
By call | October 12, 2006
When I get to work I find out that internet access in the contact center has been cut off because of me.
“Tina overheard you telling Maria about the computers that had internet. Maria told Sharon and Sharon had them cut off.” says Claire.
“Tina phoned and told me.”
Alison is sitting next to me looking at me.
“Fuck, really?”
“Yeh”, says Claire.
“Shit, sorry.” I say.
Then Claire says she doesn’t care.
Alison says the same.
“ Me either,” I say.
After a bit I say, “Is there any work to do?” “None,” says Alison. “and I forgot my book.”
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Talking About Some Girl
By call | October 15, 2006
It was after half 5 because Claire and Carrie were already there and they start at 6, though sometimes they get there late or early so I wouldn’t have set my clock by their arrival.
We were in the office talking about one of the girls who worked there who was having problems with a guy she had been having sex with whom she thought she might be in love.
“He treats her like shit.” Claire said.
“He hates her only slightly more than he hates himself for not being able to dump her.” I said.
“Probably true.” said Claire.
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Carrie is Allergic to the Cakes I Made
By call | October 17, 2006
The first thing I do when Carrie and Claire arrive is to tell them I made the cakes.
I tell Carrie to take one and watch her putting it into her mouth as she walks toward the vending machine.
“The icing’s made of Philadelphia cheese and icing sugar.” I call out.
She stops and turns back toward me.
“Are you serious?” she says.
She’s walking back toward me now, one hand under her mouth, spitting pieces of cake into it.
“Im allergic.” she says.
“To dairy products?” I say.
“No,” she says, “just the idea of icing and cheese together.”
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Maria’s Concern For Us
By call | October 21, 2006
When I get to work at 5.30 Maria calls out to me,
“I’ll be here until 7 if you’ve got any questions.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I thought you might feel abandoned, you night crew.”
“Oh that’s nice.” I say to her.
Then Sharon calls out, “I owe you an apology,” she says,
“I said I’d get you in for training.”
“Don’t worry,” says Maria, “it was boring.” and hands me some a4 pages with laser printed images on them.
I notice that the picture on the first page features the lower half of a woman sporting incontinence briefs.
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Emma Reveals Some Things About Her Youth
By call | October 22, 2006
During a lull in phone calls Emma turns to me and says, “I met someone famous once. My face was on newspapers all over the world,” she says and then laughs. “Who was it?” I ask her. “Raisa Gorbachev.” She says. Apparently Emma was really into making lace at that age so her school chose her to hand a bit to Raisa.
“What did she say to you?” I ask her. “I don’t remember,” she says, “I was 11.” Then we sit there not saying anything. After a while I ask her, “Did she keep in touch?” And we laugh.
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The Kitchen Area
By call | November 2, 2006
While I’m turning to empty my cup into the bin in the kitchen area where I’ve gone to make another cup of tea, my eye falls on the water-dispenser.
I’ve never paid it any attention before, but tonight I see that it’s grey and made of a plastic that is intended to look like shining metal. I tap on it to make sure.
Faux metal, just as it looks.
Next to it is the fridge, taller and made of metal.
The real deal.
Next to that is the hot drink dispenser, towering over both.
An enthralling trio of appliances.
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Logging On
By call | November 5, 2006
I put my bag on the floor, bend and press the “ON” button on the hard-drive, say “Hi” to Louise who is sitting at the desk to the left of the one I’m going to sit at, and then go into the kitchen area to boil the kettle.
While it boils I go back to my computer to log-on. Once logged on I press “ready” on my phone, which will make me “unavailable” for calls.
Then I go back to the kitchen and make a green tea with that water I’d put on to boil shortly after arriving.
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Arachnophobia
By call | November 8, 2006
“My friend brought his new spider round to ours last night,” Carrie tells Claire and me tonight at work.
So we spend the next hour talking about spiders.
Carrie says she the spider, a tarantula, had its picture taken sitting on her face.
Clare and I are staring at her with our mouths open. “Do you know that if you drop a tarantula from about a meter up it will die?”
When Carrie goes to the vending machine to get peanuts I say to Clare, “If I was round at Carrie’s and that spider got loose I’d stand on it.”
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Talking About Marriage
By call | November 10, 2006
“I’m getting a teeth whitening kit before I get married.” Carrie says as I’m walking toward the kitchen area with the mugs in my hand to get more drinks.
I start laughing and call out, “I love you Carrie.”
When I get back with her and Carrie are comparing how much items worn in their wedding cost.
“My tiara,” Says Carrie, “200 quid.”
“Mine was 30. Mums dogs ate it.” Says Clare. “Obviously after I wore it.”
“Dress?” I ask her.
“£1200″ says Clare. “ Though I did get 400 notes for it three years later when I sold it.”
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Out for Dinner Pt III
By call | November 17, 2006
I wait until everyone leaves before telling Clare and Carrie just how shit the food had been at the Chinese restaurant where we’d gone for the birthday dinner.
“We go there for take way,” says Carrie, “and it’s usually really nice.”
“I don’t mind paying 18 quid for a meal,” I say, “when it’s worth it, but I reckon they pile up all the leftovers from the weekend and sell it as the all you can eat Monday night buffet. I swear to god that tofu had been refried at least twice. It was like honeycomb it was so dehydrated.”
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Email Scam
By call | December 1, 2006
When I get to work Jenny gives me a printed email someone has circulated about a kid in South Africa with a brain tumour. Its parents are appealing for cash to have the tumour removed.
I don’t want to sound like a cunt but I say to Jenny, “Jenny, have you checked that this is valid?” She says she hasn’t. “It could be a scam.” I say. There’s a photograph of them and their tumour baby. A tasteful black and white shot of them lying with the sleeping babies head sandwiched between theirs.
Not a nasal tube in sight.
Scam.
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RSVP
By call | December 5, 2006
Friday night nothing happened. We sat there the three of us doing nothing.
Then we talked about weddings.
Then I laid on the floor with my feet up on the wall to let the blood drain.
Clare stayed on the internet because she discovered she had it again.
Carrie read a magazine and gave us her wedding invitations.
She said I had to RSVP. I asked her how one went about that.
‘Go to the shop and buy a special card.’ she said.
‘Fuck that.’ I said and drew her a cartoon of her and Shaun in their wedding gear.
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Alex
By call | December 17, 2006
When I get to work Maria comes over and says, ‘Ask Alex how to do catalogues before he leaves.’ ‘Why?’ I say, ‘don’t you know how to do them?’ She laughs.
I look over at Alex who is sitting at one of the computer islands putting catalogues and address slips into envelopes for mailing out to customers, wearing a mauve shirt and black slacks.
He told me once that he’d worked in a bank for 13 years before he came to the call centre.
And that he enjoyed it.
Despite that, Alex is popular and well known for his burping.
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Daily Mail
By call | January 17, 2007
Tonight is the first time since just after christmas that I start thinking it might be time to move on, workwise.
There’s only me and Alison in tonight and I spend the evening with my feet up on my desk reading Friday’s copy of the Daily Mail.
On the front page is a story about a policeman’s daughter who has died from an overdose of alcohol. There’s a picture of her smiling and wearing glasses while inside there’s a picture of her distraught father. I wonder which cunt on the staff of the Daily Mail decided this was national news.
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The Buying Office
By call | January 19, 2007
Someone calls up looking for the buying office. Alison puts the caller on hold and asks us if we know where it is.
‘Tell her it closed down.’ I say.
‘Tell her it burned down.’ Says Clare and we start laughing.
Then for something to do I get one of the magazines that advertises products we sell and find a picture of Elizabeth Hurley advertising useless face cream and cut her eyes out and stick them on my closed eyelids and tell Clare and Carrie to look at me and we laugh until Al says it’s still only to 7.
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*
By call | January 19, 2007
Carrie says
‘Clare will be late’
Where’s Clare
Carrie’s moving her mouth, telling me
No sound coming out
Sharon is standing behind her
Sharon is then moving fast around the office
There’s been drama today
The client didn’t get something the client needs
Sharon now stands in the middle of the office floor
Hands on hips.
Where’s Clare?
I say to Carrie, soundless
At home she says back soundless
Then out loud to Sharon
‘Stuart isn’t at home’
Sharon laughs
‘Men’
Says Carrie
‘Men’ Sharon laughs
Carrie looking at me says, soundless
‘She’s ******’
‘Sharon?’
‘Clare, you goose’
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The Email About the Snakes
By call | January 23, 2007
The first thing I do when I get to work is ask Emma if she got Carrie’s email about the snakes.
‘Yeh,’ she says, ‘but I don’t think him indoors would want an albino python.’
Then, because were talking about snakes and they go together, we start talking about spiders.
‘You shouldn’t be scared of spiders,’ says Gillian in a fake Australian accent, ‘you’re from the land of spiders, cobber.’
We laugh for a while and then I say, ‘They live under the handles of your rubbish bins and get you when you’re least expecting it.’
And they stop laughing.
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Telling Steph From HR Something
By call | February 23, 2007
Steph was standing at the door getting ready to go home when I thanked her for organising permission to film in the office.
Then, because I had taken 2 Syndol for period pain and it had loosened my restraints, I told her I was getting married.
Next I went in to some detail about how unhappy Cathy’s mother had been when Cathy had told her about the wedding.
I was still talking at her when the phone rang.
‘Sorry, I have to get this Steph,’ I said, pressing the ready button & saying, ‘Good evening ……… Toni speaking, how can I help?’
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Nothing To Do
By call | February 23, 2007
Tonight at work there’s nothing to do.
I take 4 calls.
Carrie same.
Alison even less.
We can’t work if no one calls.
‘Do you think we’ll get laid off?’ I say.
Carrie says she’s skint.
‘And me.’ says Alison.
I say nothing but I am too but can’t summon the energy to say it.
Alison gets up to get some water.
She asks us if we want anything.
Carrie says she wants some water and I’d like a tea but someone’s thrown my green tea leaves away again.
‘My feet stink.’ says Carrie, putting them up on the desk.
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Internet IIII
By call | March 1, 2007
Because Clare had the internet again we could look at the films I make for my course so I showed Clare and Carrie.
They laughed seeing themselves. Like someone might giggle when the see themselves on tv.
I wondered what it was about seeing your own face in something that wasn’t a mirror.
Was it the fact that it was public?
That someone might see them? Did it feel like fame? That someone who wasn’t them would see them and think them someone important because they had stepped out of real life?
I reminded myself to remember to ask them.
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Alex’s Crash
By call | March 7, 2007
Tonight at work Alex started telling me about his wife but ended up explaining to me that he thinks the reason he doesn’t have any ambition is because of his motorbike accident.
“Were you in a coma?” I ask him.
“Yes. Three weeks,’ he says.
‘Jesus, did you have to learn to do everything again?’ I say.
‘I was 7 stone at one point,’ he tells me.
‘Pre crash I was 11 stone. They kept me on at the bank though, which was good of them.’
‘How old were you?’
‘17,’ he says, ‘I am so lucky to be alive.’
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Cutlery etc
By call | March 7, 2007
Today, after we got the quote for the cutlery and crockery hire for our wedding, I went online and bought 200 self-composting environmentally friendly paper bowls and plates for £39.95.
Then Cathy went to PoundStretchers in the car and came home with 60 knives, forks and spoons. “Guess how much?” she said as she put the bags down on my office floor.
“25 quid”, she said before I had a chance to guess.
I was in the middle of telling Louise about it at work when Carrie arrived and said, “The food for our wedding? About 6 grand.”
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8 Good Reasons
By call | March 10, 2007
Tonight at work there’s nothing to do so I start thinking about a framed page that hangs on the wall of my office.
It’s a picture of my high school basketball team that my best friend had torn out of the yearbook and mailed to me.
In it, the boys stand in line as if they’re waiting for the music to start for the cha-cha and features two boys with whom I had sex and 2 with whom my best friend also had sex.
Underneath them she has written, in black felt pen, ‘8 Good reasons to be a lesbian.’
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Clare and Drinking
By call | March 23, 2007
Clare says she has been drinking everyday. Citrus twist is the name of the drink.
A type of beer, it turns out made with citrus hops. It gets her ‘trolleyed’ apparently.
She sits in her garden and drinks it while she bosses her husband around.
He’s doing something in their loft with Clare’s father.
Being alcoholic, I choose not to drink.
Drinking results in me vomiting, pissing my pants or insulting someone.
Sometimes all three.
Though on days like today, with a tease of summer in the air and Clare talking about beer at work, I still get an urge.
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Table
By call | March 25, 2007
Tonight at work this guy calls us and says he’s furious because a table he ordered for his daughter has just arrived and is smashed to bits. Apparently he had waited in all day for delivery. He wanted compensation. He actually said he was so furious that he could rip someone’s head of and spit in the hole. His daughter was waiting for that table.
I felt like saying something like; imagine if you were watching your daughter wait for a bowl of rice in a refugee camp in Darfur, cunt, then you’ll have something REAL to moan about.
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Hi Ho Hi Ho
By call | March 30, 2007
On Thursday Clare, Alison and I spend the first part of the evening putting catalogues and discount inserts into envelopes ready for mailing.
Clare sits on one side, Alison in the middle and me to the right. I insert the discount flyer into the catalogue and then pass it over to Alison who inserts another flyer and places the a4 sheet with an address on it over the top and then passes it to Clare who puts them in an envelope.
‘What were the names of the 7 dwarfs?’ Clare says and starts whistling the theme tune to the film.
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Friday Night
By call | March 31, 2007
It’s Friday night at work.
There’s a festive spirit.
The day staff are going out for drinks.
“See you at mine at 7.’ says Sharon leaving.
James, the director, standing in the doorway ready to go home, jokily tells me my scarf looks like tinsel and laughs.
Louise is in the bathroom putting on makeup
Carrie says, “Watch this.” and does a handstand.
Caroline is talking about a boy she once had sex with who she hopes might have it with her again.
Friday nights everyone behaves unusually, including me.
I’m sat at my desk thinking about killing myself.
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Internet V
By call | April 10, 2007
Caroline is telling me the real story about how the internet got cut off. ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she says, ‘It was Andy checking the computers.’ ‘No,’ I tell her, ‘Didn’t you hear about Maria asking me if I got all the work sites and me saying I get not only those but ALL sites.’ Caroline hadn’t heard about this. ‘I hadn’t heard about that.’ says Caroline. Then Emma, who until then hadn’t said anything, says, ‘Apparently someone was looking at porn sites. ‘See why I write about working here. It’s fascinating.’ Caroline raises one eyebrow and I just laugh.
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Where’s Gilly?
By call | April 15, 2007
I arrive at work slightly late and as I’m putting my bag down next to Gilly’s desk, Sharon says, ‘I need to speak to you lovey.’ and I get worried thinking it’s about being late. ‘Oh, okay,’ I say ‘I’ve got chores for all of you to do tonight,’ she says laughing. ‘Okay’ I say, laughing along with her. I can see by the phone on Gilly’s desk that she’s still logged on so I ask Louise who is sat at the desk next to Gilly’s where Gilly is. ‘Where’s Gilly, Lou?’ I say. ‘She’s in the kitchen,’ says Caroline.
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Nuts
By call | April 18, 2007
Tonight at work, after I had my three-month review with Sharon I was hungry so I went to the vending machine with enough money for 2 packets of peanuts for me and 1 for Carrie.
But what happened was I accidentally ended up with 2 nuts and 1 packet of Spearmint Imperials because the code for the nuts is D0 and I accidentally pushed D1.
It didn’t matter though because when I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea I opened the cupboard and found a half bowl of nuts I’d left there the week before.
Bonus.
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Alison Feels Like Crying
By call | April 19, 2007
Tonight’s the slowest night in work memory. ‘Its only 6.15,’ I say to Alison.
She doesn’t respond.
A little bit later I hear her say, ‘ I feel like crying tonight.’
I can’t see her face when she says it because the tall steel pillar that supports the computer island is in the way.
Why do you feel like crying?’ I say. ‘And why you sitting over there?’
‘Don’t know,’ she says, ‘just sometimes I do. Don’t you?’
‘Move around next to Carrie so I can see your face,’ I say.
‘Computer doesn’t work there,’ she says.
‘Oh’, I say.
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Emma’s Khaki Bag
By call | April 24, 2007
Tonight when I get to work there isn’t a spare place at the computer island I usually sit at. Emma’s chair is empty but her computer is still on and I can see her khaki bag still on the floor.
I stand at the door for a while feeling stupid and uncomfortable. There not being a place for me has thrown me. Then Louise looks up and says, ‘Alright?’ and smiles.
‘Is Emma logging off?’ I say.
‘Don’t know.’ says Louise and we turn to look down the office where we see Emma heading back toward her desk and us.
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Cake II
By call | April 25, 2007
Tonight, just after I log on, I look up and see Susannah Mabon coming up the office with a tray of what looks like leftovers.
As she gets closer I can see that they are cakes.
Suddenly I can’t wait to get my hands on them.
‘Try this carrot cake’ she says as she puts the tray down on the desk next to mine.
‘I love carrot cake,’ I say.
As I lift it to my mouth I think how much darker it is than the ones I brought in to work for Clare and Carrie that Carrie had been allergic to.
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Better Late Than Never
By call | April 26, 2007
I didn’t go straight into the kitchen to boil the kettle as soon as I get to work tonight because I’d arrived late and thought I’d turn the computer on first and wait for a break in calls and then go and make my tea.
I’d been sitting at the desk for a few moments before Sharon looked up and said,
‘Oh hello lovey. I didn’t see you come in. There’s envelopes to stuff.’
I was relieved because on the way to work in the car I’d been worried about what reason I was going to give for having been late.
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Stuffing Catalogues Into Envelopes
By call | April 26, 2007
Tonight while I’m piling up the envelopes that I’ve been stuffing with catalogues I find an RSPCA pamphlet.
On the front is a picture of a kitten lying down in a cage.
On the back is a picture of the same kitten, but this time it’s in a plastic bag.
There’s a detailed explanation about the state that the kitten was found in. Apparently it had been smashed against a wall and had its neck broken and then died of its injuries. Obviously not at the hands of another cat.
I wonder where the fuck some human beings go wrong.
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Stuart and the Mirror
By call | April 26, 2007
‘I bought this mirror last week and Stuart was putting the fixings on,’
says Clare, ‘and he dropped it.’
‘No,’ I say as I turn to look at her.
‘Yep,’ she says, ‘7 years bad luck I said to him. He said, whatever, I don’t believe in it anyway.’
‘Me either,’ I say
Then she tells me, ‘Yesterday he was backing out the drive and clipped the gate.’
‘No way,’ I say.
‘Today he lost his wallet,’ she says.
‘Fuck,’ I say, ‘really?’
Then we’re quiet until Clare says, ‘Look, it’s quarter past 8,’
‘Really?’ I say, ‘. Tonight’s gone quickly.’
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Alison Likes Chips
By call | April 27, 2007
Tonight at work the phones run hot but it doesn’t stop us from talking about what our favourite foods are.
‘Soup’ says Gilly when I ask what hers is.
‘What’s yours?’ Gilly says to Alison when Alison gets off the phone.
‘I like a lot of things but they don’t like me.’ Says Alison.
Alison has IBS and should be careful of what she eats.
But she isn’t.
‘Chips’ she says, ‘and McDonald’s.’
‘English food then,’ says Gilly who’s holding a packet of Lloyd Grossman chicken soup in her lap.
‘And sausages and chips and pizza and chips.’ continues Alison.
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Cirencester
By call | April 28, 2007
When I walk past the tray of carrot cake that’s been left on the desk next to Sharon’s, I call out to Alison to have some but she’s busy talking to Carrie about camping.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask Carrie as I pass her on the way back from dropping the orders on Sharon’s desk.
‘Somewhere near Cirencester,’ she says.
‘Do you know that all the places in England that end in Cester are Roman?
‘Well, do you know I got my baps out on Saturday night , Carrie says, ‘and pressed them up against the window at Izzi’s’.
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Cake III
By call | May 1, 2007
Tonight, as I enter the office, Sharon shouts out, ‘There’s cake over here. Caroline says its ginger, I reckon its carrot. ‘
‘Let me be the judge of that,’ I say, ‘Bring it on.’
Caroline brings me over a piece of carrot cake and puts it down in front of me on the desk just as Maria sits down with me to give me some training on a new campaign.
It isn’t until Maria finishes the training and I finish the cake that I notice that the piece of paper Caroline had brought me the cake over on was toilet.
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Call Monitoring
By call | May 2, 2007
Just as I sit down Sharon walks behind my chair on her way to having a fag and says, ‘I’ll be with you in a minute lovey.’
I’d completely forgotten that tonight was my night for call monitoring.
‘Oh no, ‘I scream out.
‘Its not that bad’ says Caroline, ‘come on, you should have heard mine in the early days and look at me now, I’m a customer service representative.’
Alison is laughing.
‘Oh no,’ I say again and then sit there and wait for it until Sharon comes in from smoking her cigarette with Amanda and says, ‘Ready luvvie?
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A Platter With Crisps
By call | May 3, 2007
About ten minutes after I had gone up to Steph’s desk to give her the green tea that I’d promised to bring in for her she told us there was a platter of fruit and crisps we should help ourselves to.
I was thinking yum when Sharon walked up toward us with the platter in her hand.
‘Here guys,’ she said, ‘ there’s some fruit and crisps here to finish off.’
She put them down on the desk next to Clare.
‘You want to have a cigarette before we go?’ I heard her say to Maria as they left for home.
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The Meeting Room
By call | May 3, 2007
Tonight as soon as Clare arrives Sharon whisks her into the meeting room for her three monthly performance check up. It’s the same meeting room where all those months ago I had the interview with Sharon to get this job
Phone- wise it’s quiet tonight so I turn my chair slightly and watch them through the window. Clare has her back to me and from where I sit it looks like Sharon’s doing all the talking. I watch Sharon’s mouth for a couple of seconds and then I notice how much her hair has grown and that she’s started wearing eyeliner.
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Joe
By call | May 4, 2007
Joe is going to Australia and has sent an email around saying he’s left some celebratory chocolates on the desk behind his.
Last night he told me about his trip.
‘I’m going alone,’ he told me, ‘and I’m a bit scared,’
‘I can give you some numbers if you’re worried,’ I’d said to him.
I tell him again tonight, as he’s going home, to get in touch if he gets in trouble.
‘My brothers a cop,’ I tell him and we laugh.
Joe is extremely tall and at 21 wears a pair of black Primark trousers like few men can.
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Clare
By call | May 4, 2007
Tonight when Clare gets to work I can see by her face she’s not happy.
She only has time to tell me briefly what’s wrong before Sharon gets her over for call monitoring.
‘You ready luvvy?’ Sharon calls out to her.
Clare says yes and while she’s putting her keys on her desk I ask her if she’s alright.
‘You alright my friend?’ I say.
‘No,’ she says, ‘I’m in a fucking mood,’
I laugh. ‘Me too,’ I say. ‘Who’s fucked you off?’
‘My dad,’ she says, ‘I’ll tell you in a minute,’
‘Can’t wait,’ I say and we laugh.
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Drunk, Deficient or Just an Arsehole
By call | May 8, 2007
Tonight as she’s leaving Louise asks me to do her callbacks.
‘Can you finish these?’ she says.
‘Sure,’ I say taking the sheets of A4 with the customers phone numbers and order details.
After the day staff leaves I begin to make the calls. The first one goes smoothly with the customer cancelling the order because the hold up of their goods caused them the necessity of going out and finding them elsewhere.
The second call turns out to be a different story with the customer either drunk or mentally deficient or just an arsehole for the sake of it.
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Sale
By call | May 9, 2007
Tonight a woman calls up and says ‘Hello there, I’ve been on your website trying to order a bed that I saw in your catalogue but it’s not showing up on the website so I, um, wondered what was going on,’ and then laughs.
‘Oh, I think that sale is over now,’ I tell her, ‘I had another gentleman who tried to order a TV stand and one of my customer service people told me the sale had actually ended.’
‘Oh, she laughs, ‘weird considering I only got the catalogue today.’
‘Yes, silly really,’ I reply and we both laugh.
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Post Number 57
By call | May 9, 2007
‘Where’s Sharon, Cazza?’ I say to Caroline as soon as I arrive at work.
I’ve booked my ticket to go away and I want to inform Sharon by email the last date I’ll be working.
‘She’s gone’ says Louise.
‘No she isn’t,’ says Cazza, ‘She’s just nipped out, she’ll be back.’
‘I booked my ticket today,’ I tell Caroline and Louise.
‘Rub it in,’ says Louise.
‘Awww,’ says Caroline, in a disappointed voice.
Last week when I told her I was leaving Caroline said she wasn’t happy about it.
‘Caroline’s house sitting, innit,’ I say, ‘and looking after our cat.’
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The Vibe
By call | May 10, 2007
Tonight Alison is in a startlingly good mood. She’s telling us that last night when her husband went out in the car she made auto-love and then pretended she was asleep when he got back.
‘I vibed myself,’ she says, ‘while he went down the shops.’
Me and Clare start laughing.
‘You didn’t wait for him to get back?’ I say.
‘No,’ she says, ‘I wanted it over quick. I didn’t want him on top of me and have to think about him,’
I’m laughing so much I have to stop typing orders.
‘But wasn’t it your anniversary?’ Clare says.
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Breakfast
By call | May 11, 2007
After Alison tells Clare and me about how she masturbated instead of having sex with her husband, Clare’s tells me an Alison about her vibrator. ‘It has a tongue,’ she says, ‘you know, like a rabbit but with a tongue instead of the ears.’
Then she says to Al, ‘You just have a normal one, don’t you,’
‘Yeh ,’ says Alison,
I tell her she should get a rabbit.
‘I do it in the shower in the morning,’ says Clare.
‘Where are the kids?’ says Alison
‘I leave them downstairs having their cereal and tell them I’ll be five minutes.
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Phone
By call | May 11, 2007
Tonight the phones are virtually silent.
They’re so quiet we all comment on it.
‘Do you think they’ve been turned off?’ I say.
‘Nah, it’s just quiet,’ says Clare.
‘Maybe we should phone ourselves.’ Says Alison.
‘Auto phone,’ I say to her, ‘bit like your auto loving last night.’
She laughs. ‘Shall I call from my mobile or work phone,’ she says as she gets her mobile out of her bag.
‘If the phones aren’t working you won’t be able to call from the work phone now will you,’ says Clare.
‘Suppose not,’ says Alison as she calls the office.
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Hen
By call | May 13, 2007
Tonight at work Carrie starts talking about her hens night.
‘We were playing tennis on the beach, topless and this foreign looking guy in Speedos came over took the bat off my sister and started playing with me and then went and laid down and grew a tent his pants.’
Then the phone rings and she takes the call and we continue entering data.
Then, when her phone call is over she starts singing, ‘3 weeks till I get cum in my mouth, 3 weeks til I get cum.’
‘Are you going to swallow on your wedding night?’ Clare says.
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Sharon
By call | May 13, 2007
The first thing Sharon says to me when I arrive at work is, ‘Oi you.’
I look over at her and say, ‘what’ve I done wrong?’
She says, ‘Your bloody bicycle,’ I’d had to leave my bicycle overnight in reception. The rain had been too bad to cycle home and Cathy had picked me up.
‘God, sorry Sharon.’ I say.
‘I had to take it in the warehouse and now go and get it again,’ she laughs.
‘Shit, sorry.’
‘Don’t worry lovey,’ she says.
I thought I’d done something really wrong like sent someone the wrong size of incontinence pads
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Foul Mood
By call | May 15, 2007
Just after I have finished asking Sharon and Alison if Carrie is in tonight, Carrie comes through the door in a visibly foul mood.
‘How’s things Cazza?’ I say as she throws her mobile down on the desk and leans down to turn her computer on.
She shakes her head and makes some kind of noise, like ‘Fuurrkken nngyy’ so I decide not pursue it.
I turn to my right and look at Alison who’s pursing her lips and raising one eyebrow.
‘Dunno,’ I mouth to her as Sharon calls out, ‘Hello Carrie. You ready for your call monitoring Luvvie?’
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Zsolt
By call | May 15, 2007
Tonight as I pull up to work, Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, is wheeling his motorcycle along the road to work.
‘No petrol?’ I say as I get off my bicycle.
‘The weather,’ he says, ‘typical English weather.’
As he’s putting his motorcycle up on his stand he makes a comments on my hair.
‘Nice,’ he says.
‘Thanks,’ I say.
‘Good colour,’ he says, ‘very good.’
‘Thanks, Zsolt,’ I say, ‘I like it better short,’
‘Yes,’ he says, ‘I like,’
‘It’ I say, ‘I like IT,’ correcting his English.
‘Yes, thank you very much. It,’ he says’
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My Chris
By call | May 17, 2007
‘I don’t know what’s happened to my Chris,’ says Alison, talking about her husband. ‘He wants me to go out to work but gets pissed off if the house work isn’t done. He made me cry last week and tonight when I left for work the girls were crying,’ she says. ‘They can sense what kind of mood they’re in,’ says Clare, talking about husbands. ‘You think he’s having an affair?’ she says. I look over at Alison who says, ‘nah, I think he’s just got his period. Men get it.’ ‘They do,’ says Clare, ‘Stuart gets it all the time.
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Sharon II
By call | May 17, 2007
I lean down and turn my computer on and when I look up there’s Sharon standing in front, of me leaning on the back of a chair staring at me.
‘What have I done?’ I say.
‘Nothing,’ she says and laughs.
‘It’s you and Clare and Alison tonight and there’s some orders on the shelf. Ask Clare if she can do some returns when she gets in will you lovey?’
‘Sure,’ I say getting up to go to the kitchen to boil the kettle to make a green tea even though I have my period and would rather hot chocolate.
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Coming Out
By call | May 18, 2007
Tonight Alison is being cheeky and I remark on it. ‘It’s not being cheeky,’ she says, ‘I’m just coming out of my shell,’ she says, as she walks toward the kitchen to boil the kettle. ‘She should go back in it,’ I say to Clare as Alison goes around the corner out of range. ‘What’s that?’ Alison calls out from the kitchen. ‘I just said that you’re being lovely, and isn’t it lovely how you’ve finally come out of your lovely shell and it’s only taken you 9 months,’ and we laugh.
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The Bosses
By call | May 19, 2007
Tonight one of the bosses is here from Holland and all the bosses are in the meeting room having a meeting.
We look at them through the windows and wonder what they’re talking about.
When they come out, the men bosses and the Dutch guy go into the kitchen area.
A few minutes later we hear them laughing loudly.
‘Go over and join in, I say to Carrie, ‘just sidle up and start laughing like you’re one of the gang.’
We start laughing at the thought of it.
‘Slap one of them on the back, as if you’re all mates.’
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Alarmed
By call | May 20, 2007
Today’s Sunday and, abnormally, I’m at work. ‘Do I need a code for the alarm,’ I yell to Louise as I pull up on my bicycle at the front door of the building. ‘Fucked if I know,’ she says. While I’m chaining my bicycle to the fence she says, ‘D’ya have Sharon’s number?’ ‘Nope,’ I say, ‘And I’ve never opened up before.’ ‘Oh dear,’ says Louise, ‘Try swiping the alarm with your fob.’ I try it and it works and we go inside. ‘I’ve got a fucking hangover,’ says Louise, turning her computer on. ‘Want a green tea?’ I say.
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Charade
By call | May 22, 2007
Tonight at work there’s fuck all to do so Alison and I play charades.
Carrie’s on the phone so she can’t join in and by the time she gets off Alison has already guessed my film, Gone With the Wind, and we’ve started playing catch with the stress ball Al’s found on her desk.
A minute and a half in and Alison’s already bored.
‘You have the attention span of an infant,’ I tell her.
She throws the ball at me but I see it coming in the reflection of the window and I move forward and it misses me.
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Date Slice
By call | May 24, 2007
I don’t see Alison come in because I’m making tea in the kitchen area when she arrives but when I notice she’s there she offers me cake.
‘Where’s this from,’ I ask her, ‘Did you make it?’
‘Yeh,’ she says, then, ‘No actually, it’s from my mum’s shop. It’s date,’
I unwrap it and offer Caroline some. ‘Nah,’ she says, ‘I don’t like date,’
‘Go on,’ I say, ‘It’s yummy,’
‘Stop pressuring me,’ she says, laughing.
‘Leave her alone. She’s going running,’ says Clare, and it’s then I notice she has a cherry Danish which I would have much preferred.
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Gillians Back
By call | May 24, 2007
Tonight there’s a festive spirit in the call center, brought on, no doubt, by the fair weather outside and Gillian being back at her desk.
‘How was your trip Gil,’ I say, high 5-ing her.
‘It was great,’ she says, swinging on her chair and smiling.
‘I must say you’ve beefed up a bit,’ I tell her which is a good thing because Gil has been sick.
‘Thanks,’ she says, frowning and laughing.
‘Hasn’t anyone else mentioned it?’ I say.
‘No,’ she says, ‘Cos it’s um, rude,’ and we both laugh.
‘Anyway, you look great, healthy, my friend.’ I say.
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News Part II
By call | May 26, 2007
Clare and Carrie arrive and when Emma comes back from having a cigarette she tells us one of the bosses has quit.
‘He walked out,’ she says.
‘Really,’ says Carrie, ‘Shame, I enjoyed looking at him.’
‘Did you see who drove off in his car?’ says Lou.
‘Is it a company car?’ says Clare.
It’s not as if I really care, but I feel I should contribute so I say,
‘Why?’
‘Dunno,’ Louise says, ‘I got it third hand but I think its something to do with the way the companies going.’
‘Maybe they’re moving it to India.’ I say
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News Part I
By call | May 26, 2007
At work today I hear 2 pieces of news, of a personal type, affecting 2 people who work in the call center.
The first piece is that Louise has split from her boyfriend.
‘I split up with Gi,’ she says to me when the rest of the day staff have left and there’s only her, me and the Hungarian cleaner in the office.
‘Jeez, Louise,’ I say, ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Well,’ she says, ‘I’m going to the pub with Emma after work,’ and laughs.’ Was he upset?’ I say
‘Not one fucking tear’, she says, almost snarling.
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Horn
By call | May 30, 2007
Tonight Clare is horny so her and Alison spend a lot of time talking about sex but are eventually distracted by the new copy of the magazine that’s just come in.
Then, next thing I know, I look over and they’re down on the carpet, Alison on her side with one leg hoisted ceiling-wards, demonstrating the position she likes to ‘be taken’ in.
We all start laughing and I say, ‘Shit, be careful that Zsolt doesn’t see you.’
Zsolt the Hungarian cleaner is still on the premises somewhere and I’m worried he might find this all a bit too much.
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Mrs Bard
By call | May 31, 2007
Tonight when I get in I call Mrs Bard.
‘Hello Mrs Bard, it’s Blah from Blah Blah,’ I say when she answers, ‘I’ve got some information on that phone for you’
She recognises me and says ‘Hello dear,’
‘The phone is just like a mobile,’ I tell her, ’so the charges are quite steep.’
I’d like to say, ‘You’ll have to mortgage the house to pay the fucking bill’ but instead I say, ‘So that’s something to think about.’
Then I ask her how she got on with the doctor who is trying to get her into some sheltered housing.
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