the call centre diary

The Birds

By admin | October 7, 2006

Every night as I get near to the building I work in, by bicycle, I can hear birds singing in the dark.
It’s black so the birds should be asleep. But I don’t think they can sleep because light from the night tennis courts, on the corner of the street where I turn into the industrial park where my office is, keeps them awake.
Every night I pass those courts and hear those birds sing I think, “They must be exhausted during the day, how do they get things done? Do they drag themselves around wondering what’s wrong with them?”

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The Guy Who Cleans the Office

By call | October 9, 2006

After I asked him what the national dish of Hungary was, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office where I work showed me a picture of his dog.
Then he took a transparent plastic envelope full of photos out from the inside pocket of his motorcycle jacket and showed me a picture of his mother in the garden of their house in Hungary.
He also had photographs of the armchairs in his living room and some of the coloured fabric in his home and one of his television set. “These are favourite things,” he said. “I like colour and Sony”.

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No Sunlight

By call | October 9, 2006

At 24 past 7 I say to Alison, “Al, its not even half past 7″
‘I know. Awful.’ She says.
‘I might look for another job.’ I tell her. ‘But where else pays 7 pounds an hour for doing nothing?’
I look past Alison toward the back of the office where the more important members of staff sit.
There are 2 of them left, clacking on their keyboards at half past 7 when they don’t even have to be here.
‘I couldn’t work here everyday,’ I say.
‘Imagine living in this 8 hours a day, says Alison, ’seeing no sunlight.’

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Internet Pt I

By call | October 11, 2006

When I get to work Emma’s sitting at the computer I usually sit at.
She’s a day person but works Wednesday night, which is why she’s still at her desk.
I sit down next to her at the desk Alison usually sits at.
I have a sensation of slight disappointment. There are two computers out of all the customer service computers that have Internet connections and Emma’s is one of them.
“I’m disappointed there’s no Internet connection at this desk.” I say to Emma.
“There aren’t any connections anymore on any of them,” she says, “Sharon’s had them all disconnected.”

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Internet Pt II

By call | October 12, 2006

When I get to work I find out that internet access in the contact center has been cut off because of me.
“Tina overheard you telling Maria about the computers that had internet. Maria told Sharon and Sharon had them cut off.” says Claire.
“Tina phoned and told me.”
Alison is sitting next to me looking at me.
“Fuck, really?”
“Yeh”, says Claire.
“Shit, sorry.” I say.

Then Claire says she doesn’t care.
Alison says the same.
“ Me either,” I say.

After a bit I say, “Is there any work to do?” “None,” says Alison. “and I forgot my book.”

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Talking About Some Girl

By call | October 15, 2006

It was after half 5 because Claire and Carrie were already there and they start at 6, though sometimes they get there late or early so I wouldn’t have set my clock by their arrival.
We were in the office talking about one of the girls who worked there who was having problems with a guy she had been having sex with whom she thought she might be in love.
“He treats her like shit.” Claire said.
“He hates her only slightly more than he hates himself for not being able to dump her.” I said.
“Probably true.” said Claire.

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Carrie is Allergic to the Cakes I Made

By call | October 17, 2006

The first thing I do when Carrie and Claire arrive is to tell them I made the cakes.
I tell Carrie to take one and watch her putting it into her mouth as she walks toward the vending machine.
“The icing’s made of Philadelphia cheese and icing sugar.” I call out.
She stops and turns back toward me.
“Are you serious?” she says.
She’s walking back toward me now, one hand under her mouth, spitting pieces of cake into it.
“Im allergic.” she says.
“To dairy products?” I say.
“No,” she says, “just the idea of icing and cheese together.”

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Maria’s Concern For Us

By call | October 21, 2006

When I get to work at 5.30 Maria calls out to me,
“I’ll be here until 7 if you’ve got any questions.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I thought you might feel abandoned, you night crew.”
“Oh that’s nice.” I say to her.
Then Sharon calls out, “I owe you an apology,” she says,
“I said I’d get you in for training.”
“Don’t worry,” says Maria, “it was boring.” and hands me some a4 pages with laser printed images on them.
I notice that the picture on the first page features the lower half of a woman sporting incontinence briefs.

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Emma Reveals Some Things About Her Youth

By call | October 22, 2006

During a lull in phone calls Emma turns to me and says, “I met someone famous once. My face was on newspapers all over the world,” she says and then laughs. “Who was it?” I ask her. “Raisa Gorbachev.” She says. Apparently Emma was really into making lace at that age so her school chose her to hand a bit to Raisa.
“What did she say to you?” I ask her. “I don’t remember,” she says, “I was 11.” Then we sit there not saying anything. After a while I ask her, “Did she keep in touch?” And we laugh.

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The Kitchen Area

By call | November 2, 2006

While I’m turning to empty my cup into the bin in the kitchen area where I’ve gone to make another cup of tea, my eye falls on the water-dispenser.
I’ve never paid it any attention before, but tonight I see that it’s grey and made of a plastic that is intended to look like shining metal. I tap on it to make sure.
Faux metal, just as it looks.
Next to it is the fridge, taller and made of metal.
The real deal.
Next to that is the hot drink dispenser, towering over both.
An enthralling trio of appliances.

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Logging On

By call | November 5, 2006

I put my bag on the floor, bend and press the “ON” button on the hard-drive, say “Hi” to Louise who is sitting at the desk to the left of the one I’m going to sit at, and then go into the kitchen area to boil the kettle.

While it boils I go back to my computer to log-on. Once logged on I press “ready” on my phone, which will make me “unavailable” for calls.

Then I go back to the kitchen and make a green tea with that water I’d put on to boil shortly after arriving.

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Arachnophobia

By call | November 8, 2006

“My friend brought his new spider round to ours last night,” Carrie tells Claire and me tonight at work.
So we spend the next hour talking about spiders.
Carrie says she the spider, a tarantula, had its picture taken sitting on her face.
Clare and I are staring at her with our mouths open. “Do you know that if you drop a tarantula from about a meter up it will die?”
When Carrie goes to the vending machine to get peanuts I say to Clare, “If I was round at Carrie’s and that spider got loose I’d stand on it.”

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Talking About Marriage

By call | November 10, 2006

“I’m getting a teeth whitening kit before I get married.” Carrie says as I’m walking toward the kitchen area with the mugs in my hand to get more drinks.
I start laughing and call out, “I love you Carrie.”
When I get back with her and Carrie are comparing how much items worn in their wedding cost.
“My tiara,” Says Carrie, “200 quid.”
“Mine was 30. Mums dogs ate it.” Says Clare. “Obviously after I wore it.”
“Dress?” I ask her.
“£1200″ says Clare. “ Though I did get 400 notes for it three years later when I sold it.”

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Out for Dinner Pt III

By call | November 17, 2006

I wait until everyone leaves before telling Clare and Carrie just how shit the food had been at the Chinese restaurant where we’d gone for the birthday dinner.
“We go there for take way,” says Carrie, “and it’s usually really nice.”
“I don’t mind paying 18 quid for a meal,” I say, “when it’s worth it, but I reckon they pile up all the leftovers from the weekend and sell it as the all you can eat Monday night buffet. I swear to god that tofu had been refried at least twice. It was like honeycomb it was so dehydrated.”

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Email Scam

By call | December 1, 2006

When I get to work Jenny gives me a printed email someone has circulated about a kid in South Africa with a brain tumour. Its parents are appealing for cash to have the tumour removed.
I don’t want to sound like a cunt but I say to Jenny, “Jenny, have you checked that this is valid?” She says she hasn’t. “It could be a scam.” I say. There’s a photograph of them and their tumour baby. A tasteful black and white shot of them lying with the sleeping babies head sandwiched between theirs.

Not a nasal tube in sight.
Scam.

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RSVP

By call | December 5, 2006

Friday night nothing happened. We sat there the three of us doing nothing.
Then we talked about weddings.
Then I laid on the floor with my feet up on the wall to let the blood drain.
Clare stayed on the internet because she discovered she had it again.
Carrie read a magazine and gave us her wedding invitations.
She said I had to RSVP. I asked her how one went about that.
‘Go to the shop and buy a special card.’ she said.
‘Fuck that.’ I said and drew her a cartoon of her and Shaun in their wedding gear.

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Alex

By call | December 17, 2006

When I get to work Maria comes over and says, ‘Ask Alex how to do catalogues before he leaves.’ ‘Why?’ I say, ‘don’t you know how to do them?’ She laughs.
I look over at Alex who is sitting at one of the computer islands putting catalogues and address slips into envelopes for mailing out to customers, wearing a mauve shirt and black slacks.
He told me once that he’d worked in a bank for 13 years before he came to the call centre.
And that he enjoyed it.
Despite that, Alex is popular and well known for his burping.

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Daily Mail

By call | January 17, 2007

Tonight is the first time since just after christmas that I start thinking it might be time to move on, workwise.
There’s only me and Alison in tonight and I spend the evening with my feet up on my desk reading Friday’s copy of the Daily Mail.
On the front page is a story about a policeman’s daughter who has died from an overdose of alcohol. There’s a picture of her smiling and wearing glasses while inside there’s a picture of her distraught father. I wonder which cunt on the staff of the Daily Mail decided this was national news.

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The Buying Office

By call | January 19, 2007

Someone calls up looking for the buying office. Alison puts the caller on hold and asks us if we know where it is.
‘Tell her it closed down.’ I say.
‘Tell her it burned down.’ Says Clare and we start laughing.
Then for something to do I get one of the magazines that advertises products we sell and find a picture of Elizabeth Hurley advertising useless face cream and cut her eyes out and stick them on my closed eyelids and tell Clare and Carrie to look at me and we laugh until Al says it’s still only to 7.

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*

By call | January 19, 2007

Carrie says
‘Clare will be late’
Where’s Clare
Carrie’s moving her mouth, telling me
No sound coming out
Sharon is standing behind her
Sharon is then moving fast around the office
There’s been drama today
The client didn’t get something the client needs
Sharon now stands in the middle of the office floor
Hands on hips.
Where’s Clare?
I say to Carrie, soundless
At home she says back soundless
Then out loud to Sharon
‘Stuart isn’t at home’
Sharon laughs
‘Men’
Says Carrie
‘Men’ Sharon laughs
Carrie looking at me says, soundless
‘She’s ******’
‘Sharon?’
‘Clare, you goose’

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The Email About the Snakes

By call | January 23, 2007

The first thing I do when I get to work is ask Emma if she got Carrie’s email about the snakes.
‘Yeh,’ she says, ‘but I don’t think him indoors would want an albino python.’
Then, because were talking about snakes and they go together, we start talking about spiders.
‘You shouldn’t be scared of spiders,’ says Gillian in a fake Australian accent, ‘you’re from the land of spiders, cobber.’
We laugh for a while and then I say, ‘They live under the handles of your rubbish bins and get you when you’re least expecting it.’
And they stop laughing.

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Telling Steph From HR Something

By call | February 23, 2007

Steph was standing at the door getting ready to go home when I thanked her for organising permission to film in the office.
Then, because I had taken 2 Syndol for period pain and it had loosened my restraints, I told her I was getting married.
Next I went in to some detail about how unhappy Cathy’s mother had been when Cathy had told her about the wedding.
I was still talking at her when the phone rang.

‘Sorry, I have to get this Steph,’ I said, pressing the ready button & saying, ‘Good evening ……… Toni speaking, how can I help?’

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Nothing To Do

By call | February 23, 2007

Tonight at work there’s nothing to do.
I take 4 calls.
Carrie same.
Alison even less.
We can’t work if no one calls.
‘Do you think we’ll get laid off?’ I say.
Carrie says she’s skint.
‘And me.’ says Alison.
I say nothing but I am too but can’t summon the energy to say it.
Alison gets up to get some water.
She asks us if we want anything.
Carrie says she wants some water and I’d like a tea but someone’s thrown my green tea leaves away again.
‘My feet stink.’ says Carrie, putting them up on the desk.

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Internet IIII

By call | March 1, 2007

Because Clare had the internet again we could look at the films I make for my course so I showed Clare and Carrie.
They laughed seeing themselves. Like someone might giggle when the see themselves on tv.
I wondered what it was about seeing your own face in something that wasn’t a mirror.
Was it the fact that it was public?
That someone might see them? Did it feel like fame? That someone who wasn’t them would see them and think them someone important because they had stepped out of real life?
I reminded myself to remember to ask them.

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Alex’s Crash

By call | March 7, 2007

Tonight at work Alex started telling me about his wife but ended up explaining to me that he thinks the reason he doesn’t have any ambition is because of his motorbike accident.
“Were you in a coma?” I ask him.
“Yes. Three weeks,’ he says.
‘Jesus, did you have to learn to do everything again?’ I say.
‘I was 7 stone at one point,’ he tells me.
‘Pre crash I was 11 stone. They kept me on at the bank though, which was good of them.’
‘How old were you?’
‘17,’ he says, ‘I am so lucky to be alive.’

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Cutlery etc

By call | March 7, 2007

Today, after we got the quote for the cutlery and crockery hire for our wedding, I went online and bought 200 self-composting environmentally friendly paper bowls and plates for £39.95.
Then Cathy went to PoundStretchers in the car and came home with 60 knives, forks and spoons. “Guess how much?” she said as she put the bags down on my office floor.
“25 quid”, she said before I had a chance to guess.
I was in the middle of telling Louise about it at work when Carrie arrived and said, “The food for our wedding? About 6 grand.”

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8 Good Reasons

By call | March 10, 2007

Tonight at work there’s nothing to do so I start thinking about a framed page that hangs on the wall of my office.
It’s a picture of my high school basketball team that my best friend had torn out of the yearbook and mailed to me.
In it, the boys stand in line as if they’re waiting for the music to start for the cha-cha and features two boys with whom I had sex and 2 with whom my best friend also had sex.
Underneath them she has written, in black felt pen, ‘8 Good reasons to be a lesbian.’

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Clare and Drinking

By call | March 23, 2007

Clare says she has been drinking everyday. Citrus twist is the name of the drink.
A type of beer, it turns out made with citrus hops. It gets her ‘trolleyed’ apparently.
She sits in her garden and drinks it while she bosses her husband around.
He’s doing something in their loft with Clare’s father.
Being alcoholic, I choose not to drink.
Drinking results in me vomiting, pissing my pants or insulting someone.
Sometimes all three.
Though on days like today, with a tease of summer in the air and Clare talking about  beer at work, I still get an urge.

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Table

By call | March 25, 2007

Tonight at work this guy calls us and says he’s furious because a table he ordered for his daughter has just arrived and is smashed to bits. Apparently he had waited in all day for delivery. He wanted compensation. He actually said he was so furious that he could rip someone’s head of and spit in the hole. His daughter was waiting for that table.
I felt like saying something like; imagine if you were watching your daughter wait for a bowl of rice in a refugee camp in Darfur, cunt, then you’ll have something REAL to moan about.

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Hi Ho Hi Ho

By call | March 30, 2007

On Thursday Clare, Alison and I spend the first part of the evening putting catalogues and discount inserts into envelopes ready for mailing.
Clare sits on one side, Alison in the middle and me to the right. I insert the discount flyer into the catalogue and then pass it over to Alison who inserts another flyer and places the a4 sheet with an address on it over the top and then passes it to Clare who puts them in an envelope.
‘What were the names of the 7 dwarfs?’ Clare says and starts whistling the theme tune to the film.

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Friday Night

By call | March 31, 2007

It’s Friday night at work.
There’s a festive spirit.
The day staff are going out for drinks.

“See you at mine at 7.’ says Sharon leaving.
James, the director, standing in the doorway ready to go home, jokily tells me my scarf looks like tinsel and laughs.
Louise is in the bathroom putting on makeup
Carrie says, “Watch this.” and does a handstand.
Caroline is talking about a boy she once had sex with who she hopes might have it with her again.
Friday nights everyone behaves unusually, including me.
I’m sat at my desk thinking about killing myself.

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Internet V

By call | April 10, 2007

Caroline is telling me the real story about how the internet got cut off. ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she says, ‘It was Andy checking the computers.’ ‘No,’ I tell her, ‘Didn’t you hear about Maria asking me if I got all the work sites and me saying I get not only those but ALL sites.’ Caroline hadn’t heard about this. ‘I hadn’t heard about that.’ says Caroline. Then Emma, who until then hadn’t said anything, says, ‘Apparently someone was looking at porn sites. ‘See why I write about working here. It’s fascinating.’ Caroline raises one eyebrow and I just laugh.

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Where’s Gilly?

By call | April 15, 2007

I arrive at work slightly late and as I’m putting my bag down next to Gilly’s desk, Sharon says, ‘I need to speak to you lovey.’ and I get worried thinking it’s about being late. ‘Oh, okay,’ I say ‘I’ve got chores for all of you to do tonight,’ she says laughing. ‘Okay’ I say, laughing along with her. I can see by the phone on Gilly’s desk that she’s still logged on so I ask Louise who is sat at the desk next to Gilly’s where Gilly is. ‘Where’s Gilly, Lou?’ I say. ‘She’s in the kitchen,’ says Caroline.

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Nuts

By call | April 18, 2007

Tonight at work, after I had my three-month review with Sharon I was hungry so I went to the vending machine with enough money for 2 packets of peanuts for me and 1 for Carrie.
But what happened was I accidentally ended up with 2 nuts and 1 packet of Spearmint Imperials because the code for the nuts is D0 and I accidentally pushed D1.
It didn’t matter though because when I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea I opened the cupboard and found a half bowl of nuts I’d left there the week before.

Bonus.

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Alison Feels Like Crying

By call | April 19, 2007

Tonight’s the slowest night in work memory. ‘Its only 6.15,’ I say to Alison.
She doesn’t respond.
A little bit later I hear her say, ‘ I feel like crying tonight.’
I can’t see her face when she says it because the tall steel pillar that supports the computer island is in the way.
Why do you feel like crying?’ I say. ‘And why you sitting over there?’
‘Don’t know,’ she says, ‘just sometimes I do. Don’t you?’
‘Move around next to Carrie so I can see your face,’ I say.
‘Computer doesn’t work there,’ she says.
‘Oh’, I say.

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Emma’s Khaki Bag

By call | April 24, 2007

Tonight when I get to work there isn’t a spare place at the computer island I usually sit at. Emma’s chair is empty but her computer is still on and I can see her khaki bag still on the floor.
I stand at the door for a while feeling stupid and uncomfortable. There not being a place for me has thrown me. Then Louise looks up and says, ‘Alright?’ and smiles.
‘Is Emma logging off?’ I say.
‘Don’t know.’ says Louise and we turn to look down the office where we see Emma heading back toward her desk and us.

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Cake II

By call | April 25, 2007

Tonight, just after I log on, I look up and see Susannah Mabon coming up the office with a tray of what looks like leftovers.
As she gets closer I can see that they are cakes.
Suddenly I can’t wait to get my hands on them.
‘Try this carrot cake’ she says as she puts the tray down on the desk next to mine.
‘I love carrot cake,’ I say.
As I lift it to my mouth I think how much darker it is than the ones I brought in to work for Clare and Carrie that Carrie had been allergic to.

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Better Late Than Never

By call | April 26, 2007

I didn’t go straight into the kitchen to boil the kettle as soon as I get to work tonight because I’d arrived late and thought I’d turn the computer on first and wait for a break in calls and then go and make my tea.
I’d been sitting at the desk for a few moments before Sharon looked up and said,
‘Oh hello lovey. I didn’t see you come in. There’s envelopes to stuff.’
I was relieved because on the way to work in the car I’d been worried about what reason I was going to give for having been late.

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Stuffing Catalogues Into Envelopes

By call | April 26, 2007

Tonight while I’m piling up the envelopes that I’ve been stuffing with catalogues I find an RSPCA pamphlet.
On the front is a picture of a kitten lying down in a cage.
On the back is a picture of the same kitten, but this time it’s in a plastic bag.
There’s a detailed explanation about the state that the kitten was found in. Apparently it had been smashed against a wall and had its neck broken and then died of its injuries. Obviously not at the hands of another cat.
I wonder where the fuck some human beings go wrong.

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Stuart and the Mirror

By call | April 26, 2007

‘I bought this mirror last week and Stuart was putting the fixings on,’
says Clare, ‘and he dropped it.’
‘No,’ I say as I turn to look at her.
‘Yep,’ she says, ‘7 years bad luck I said to him. He said, whatever, I don’t believe in it anyway.’
‘Me either,’ I say
Then she tells me, ‘Yesterday he was backing out the drive and clipped the gate.’
‘No way,’ I say.
‘Today he lost his wallet,’ she says.
‘Fuck,’ I say, ‘really?’
Then we’re quiet until Clare says, ‘Look, it’s quarter past 8,’
‘Really?’ I say, ‘. Tonight’s gone quickly.’

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Alison Likes Chips

By call | April 27, 2007

Tonight at work the phones run hot but it doesn’t stop us from talking about what our favourite foods are.
‘Soup’ says Gilly when I ask what hers is.
‘What’s yours?’ Gilly says to Alison when Alison gets off the phone.
‘I like a lot of things but they don’t like me.’ Says Alison.
Alison has IBS and should be careful of what she eats.
But she isn’t.
‘Chips’ she says, ‘and McDonald’s.’
‘English food then,’ says Gilly who’s holding a packet of Lloyd Grossman chicken soup in her lap.
‘And sausages and chips and pizza and chips.’ continues Alison.

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Cirencester

By call | April 28, 2007

When I walk past the tray of carrot cake that’s been left on the desk next to Sharon’s, I call out to Alison to have some but she’s busy talking to Carrie about camping.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask Carrie as I pass her on the way back from dropping the orders on Sharon’s desk.
‘Somewhere near Cirencester,’ she says.
‘Do you know that all the places in England that end in Cester are Roman?
‘Well, do you know I got my baps out on Saturday night , Carrie says, ‘and pressed them up against the window at Izzi’s’.

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Cake III

By call | May 1, 2007

Tonight, as I enter the office, Sharon shouts out, ‘There’s cake over here. Caroline says its ginger, I reckon its carrot. ‘
‘Let me be the judge of that,’ I say, ‘Bring it on.’
Caroline brings me over a piece of carrot cake and puts it down in front of me on the desk just as Maria sits down with me to give me some training on a new campaign.
It isn’t until Maria finishes the training and I finish the cake that I notice that the piece of paper Caroline had brought me the cake over on was toilet.

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Call Monitoring

By call | May 2, 2007

Just as I sit down Sharon walks behind my chair on her way to having a fag and says, ‘I’ll be with you in a minute lovey.’
I’d completely forgotten that tonight was my night for call monitoring.
‘Oh no, ‘I scream out.
‘Its not that bad’ says Caroline, ‘come on, you should have heard mine in the early days and look at me now, I’m a customer service representative.’
Alison is laughing.
‘Oh no,’ I say again and then sit there and wait for it until Sharon comes in from smoking her cigarette with Amanda and says, ‘Ready luvvie?

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A Platter With Crisps

By call | May 3, 2007

About ten minutes after I had gone up to Steph’s desk to give her the green tea that I’d promised to bring in for her she told us there was a platter of fruit and crisps we should help ourselves to.
I was thinking yum when Sharon walked up toward us with the platter in her hand.
‘Here guys,’ she said, ‘ there’s some fruit and crisps here to finish off.’
She put them down on the desk next to Clare.
‘You want to have a cigarette before we go?’ I heard her say to Maria as they left for home.

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The Meeting Room

By call | May 3, 2007

Tonight as soon as Clare arrives Sharon whisks her into the meeting room for her three monthly performance check up. It’s the same meeting room where all those months ago I had the interview with Sharon to get this job
Phone- wise it’s quiet tonight so I turn my chair slightly and watch them through the window. Clare has her back to me and from where I sit it looks like Sharon’s doing all the talking. I watch Sharon’s mouth for a couple of seconds and then I notice how much her hair has grown and that she’s started wearing eyeliner.

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Joe

By call | May 4, 2007

Joe is going to Australia and has sent an email around saying he’s left some celebratory chocolates on the desk behind his.
Last night he told me about his trip.
‘I’m going alone,’ he told me, ‘and I’m a bit scared,’
‘I can give you some numbers if you’re worried,’ I’d said to him.
I tell him again tonight, as he’s going home, to get in touch if he gets in trouble.
‘My brothers a cop,’ I tell him and we laugh.
Joe is extremely tall and at 21 wears a pair of black Primark trousers like few men can.

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Clare

By call | May 4, 2007

Tonight when Clare gets to work I can see by her face she’s not happy.
She only has time to tell me briefly what’s wrong before Sharon gets her over for call monitoring.
‘You ready luvvy?’ Sharon calls out to her.
Clare says yes and while she’s putting her keys on her desk I ask her if she’s alright.
‘You alright my friend?’ I say.
‘No,’ she says, ‘I’m in a fucking mood,’
I laugh. ‘Me too,’ I say. ‘Who’s fucked you off?’
‘My dad,’ she says, ‘I’ll tell you in a minute,’
‘Can’t wait,’ I say and we laugh.

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Drunk, Deficient or Just an Arsehole

By call | May 8, 2007

Tonight as she’s leaving Louise asks me to do her callbacks.
‘Can you finish these?’ she says.
‘Sure,’ I say taking the sheets of A4 with the customers phone numbers and order details.
After the day staff leaves I begin to make the calls. The first one goes smoothly with the customer cancelling the order because the hold up of their goods caused them the necessity of going out and finding them elsewhere.
The second call turns out to be a different story with the customer either drunk or mentally deficient or just an arsehole for the sake of it.

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Sale

By call | May 9, 2007

Tonight a woman calls up and says ‘Hello there, I’ve been on your website trying to order a bed that I saw in your catalogue but it’s not showing up on the website so I, um, wondered what was going on,’ and then laughs.
‘Oh, I think that sale is over now,’ I tell her, ‘I had another gentleman who tried to order a TV stand and one of my customer service people told me the sale had actually ended.’
‘Oh, she laughs, ‘weird considering I only got the catalogue today.’
‘Yes, silly really,’ I reply and we both laugh.

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Post Number 57

By call | May 9, 2007

‘Where’s Sharon, Cazza?’ I say to Caroline as soon as I arrive at work.
I’ve booked my ticket to go away and I want to inform Sharon by email the last date I’ll be working.
‘She’s gone’ says Louise.
‘No she isn’t,’ says Cazza, ‘She’s just nipped out, she’ll be back.’
‘I booked my ticket today,’ I tell Caroline and Louise.
‘Rub it in,’ says Louise.
‘Awww,’ says Caroline, in a disappointed voice.
Last week when I told her I was leaving Caroline said she wasn’t happy about it.
‘Caroline’s house sitting, innit,’ I say, ‘and looking after our cat.’

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The Vibe

By call | May 10, 2007

Tonight Alison is in a startlingly good mood. She’s telling us that last night when her husband went out in the car she made auto-love and then pretended she was asleep when he got back.
‘I vibed myself,’ she says, ‘while he went down the shops.’
Me and Clare start laughing.
‘You didn’t wait for him to get back?’ I say.
‘No,’ she says, ‘I wanted it over quick. I didn’t want him on top of me and have to think about him,’
I’m laughing so much I have to stop typing orders.
‘But wasn’t it your anniversary?’ Clare says.

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Breakfast

By call | May 11, 2007

After Alison tells Clare and me about how she masturbated instead of having sex with her husband, Clare’s tells me an Alison about her vibrator. ‘It has a tongue,’ she says, ‘you know, like a rabbit but with a tongue instead of the ears.’
Then she says to Al, ‘You just have a normal one, don’t you,’
‘Yeh ,’ says Alison,
I tell her she should get a rabbit.
‘I do it in the shower in the morning,’ says Clare.
‘Where are the kids?’ says Alison
‘I leave them downstairs having their cereal and tell them I’ll be five minutes.

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Phone

By call | May 11, 2007

Tonight the phones are virtually silent.
They’re so quiet we all comment on it.
‘Do you think they’ve been turned off?’ I say.
‘Nah, it’s just quiet,’ says Clare.
‘Maybe we should phone ourselves.’ Says Alison.
‘Auto phone,’ I say to her, ‘bit like your auto loving last night.’
She laughs. ‘Shall I call from my mobile or work phone,’ she says as she gets her mobile out of her bag.
‘If the phones aren’t working you won’t be able to call from the work phone now will you,’ says Clare.
‘Suppose not,’ says Alison as she calls the office.

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Hen

By call | May 13, 2007

Tonight at work Carrie starts talking about her hens night.
‘We were playing tennis on the beach, topless and this foreign looking guy in Speedos came over took the bat off my sister and started playing with me and then went and laid down and grew a tent his pants.’
Then the phone rings and she takes the call and we continue entering data.
Then, when her phone call is over she starts singing, ‘3 weeks till I get cum in my mouth, 3 weeks til I get cum.’
‘Are you going to swallow on your wedding night?’ Clare says.

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Sharon

By call | May 13, 2007

The first thing Sharon says to me when I arrive at work is, ‘Oi you.’
I look over at her and say, ‘what’ve I done wrong?’
She says, ‘Your bloody bicycle,’ I’d had to leave my bicycle overnight in reception. The rain had been too bad to cycle home and Cathy had picked me up.
‘God, sorry Sharon.’ I say.
‘I had to take it in the warehouse and now go and get it again,’ she laughs.
‘Shit, sorry.’
‘Don’t worry lovey,’ she says.
I thought I’d done something really wrong like sent someone the wrong size of incontinence pads

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Foul Mood

By call | May 15, 2007

Just after I have finished asking Sharon and Alison if Carrie is in tonight, Carrie comes through the door in a visibly foul mood.
‘How’s things Cazza?’ I say as she throws her mobile down on the desk and leans down to turn her computer on.
She shakes her head and makes some kind of noise, like ‘Fuurrkken nngyy’ so I decide not pursue it.
I turn to my right and look at Alison who’s pursing her lips and raising one eyebrow.
‘Dunno,’ I mouth to her as Sharon calls out, ‘Hello Carrie. You ready for your call monitoring Luvvie?’

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Zsolt

By call | May 15, 2007

Tonight as I pull up to work, Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, is wheeling his motorcycle along the road to work.
‘No petrol?’ I say as I get off my bicycle.
‘The weather,’ he says, ‘typical English weather.’
As he’s putting his motorcycle up on his stand he makes a comments on my hair.
‘Nice,’ he says.
‘Thanks,’ I say.
‘Good colour,’ he says, ‘very good.’
‘Thanks, Zsolt,’ I say, ‘I like it better short,’
‘Yes,’ he says, ‘I like,’
‘It’ I say, ‘I like IT,’ correcting his English.
‘Yes, thank you very much. It,’ he says’

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My Chris

By call | May 17, 2007

‘I don’t know what’s happened to my Chris,’ says Alison, talking about her husband. ‘He wants me to go out to work but gets pissed off if the house work isn’t done. He made me cry last week and tonight when I left for work the girls were crying,’ she says. ‘They can sense what kind of mood they’re in,’ says Clare, talking about husbands. ‘You think he’s having an affair?’ she says. I look over at Alison who says, ‘nah, I think he’s just got his period. Men get it.’ ‘They do,’ says Clare, ‘Stuart gets it all the time.

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Sharon II

By call | May 17, 2007

I lean down and turn my computer on and when I look up there’s Sharon standing in front, of me leaning on the back of a chair staring at me.
‘What have I done?’ I say.
‘Nothing,’ she says and laughs.
‘It’s you and Clare and Alison tonight and there’s some orders on the shelf. Ask Clare if she can do some returns when she gets in will you lovey?’
‘Sure,’ I say getting up to go to the kitchen to boil the kettle to make a green tea even though I have my period and would rather hot chocolate.

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Coming Out

By call | May 18, 2007

Tonight Alison is being cheeky and I remark on it. ‘It’s not being cheeky,’ she says, ‘I’m just coming out of my shell,’ she says, as she walks toward the kitchen to boil the kettle. ‘She should go back in it,’ I say to Clare as Alison goes around the corner out of range. ‘What’s that?’ Alison calls out from the kitchen. ‘I just said that you’re being lovely, and isn’t it lovely how you’ve finally come out of your lovely shell and it’s only taken you 9 months,’ and we laugh.

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The Bosses

By call | May 19, 2007

Tonight one of the bosses is here from Holland and all the bosses are in the meeting room having a meeting.
We look at them through the windows and wonder what they’re talking about.
When they come out, the men bosses and the Dutch guy go into the kitchen area.
A few minutes later we hear them laughing loudly.
‘Go over and join in, I say to Carrie, ‘just sidle up and start laughing like you’re one of the gang.’
We start laughing at the thought of it.
‘Slap one of them on the back, as if you’re all mates.’

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Alarmed

By call | May 20, 2007

Today’s Sunday and, abnormally, I’m at work. ‘Do I need a code for the alarm,’ I yell to Louise as I pull up on my bicycle at the front door of the building. ‘Fucked if I know,’ she says. While I’m chaining my bicycle to the fence she says, ‘D’ya have Sharon’s number?’ ‘Nope,’ I say, ‘And I’ve never opened up before.’ ‘Oh dear,’ says Louise, ‘Try swiping the alarm with your fob.’ I try it and it works and we go inside. ‘I’ve got a fucking hangover,’ says Louise, turning her computer on. ‘Want a green tea?’ I say.

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Charade

By call | May 22, 2007

Tonight at work there’s fuck all to do so Alison and I play charades.
Carrie’s on the phone so she can’t join in and by the time she gets off Alison has already guessed my film, Gone With the Wind, and we’ve started playing catch with the stress ball Al’s found on her desk.
A minute and a half in and Alison’s already bored.
‘You have the attention span of an infant,’ I tell her.
She throws the ball at me but I see it coming in the reflection of the window and I move forward and it misses me.

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Date Slice

By call | May 24, 2007

I don’t see Alison come in because I’m making tea in the kitchen area when she arrives but when I notice she’s there she offers me cake.
‘Where’s this from,’ I ask her, ‘Did you make it?’
‘Yeh,’ she says, then, ‘No actually, it’s from my mum’s shop. It’s date,’
I unwrap it and offer Caroline some. ‘Nah,’ she says, ‘I don’t like date,’
‘Go on,’ I say, ‘It’s yummy,’
‘Stop pressuring me,’ she says, laughing.
‘Leave her alone. She’s going running,’ says Clare, and it’s then I notice she has a cherry Danish which I would have much preferred.

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Gillians Back

By call | May 24, 2007

Tonight there’s a festive spirit in the call center, brought on, no doubt, by the fair weather outside and Gillian being back at her desk.
‘How was your trip Gil,’ I say, high 5-ing her.
‘It was great,’ she says, swinging on her chair and smiling.
‘I must say you’ve beefed up a bit,’ I tell her which is a good thing because Gil has been sick.
‘Thanks,’ she says, frowning and laughing.
‘Hasn’t anyone else mentioned it?’ I say.
‘No,’ she says, ‘Cos it’s um, rude,’ and we both laugh.
‘Anyway, you look great, healthy, my friend.’ I say.

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News Part II

By call | May 26, 2007

Clare and Carrie arrive and when Emma comes back from having a cigarette she tells us one of the bosses has quit.
‘He walked out,’ she says.
‘Really,’ says Carrie, ‘Shame, I enjoyed looking at him.’
‘Did you see who drove off in his car?’ says Lou.
‘Is it a company car?’ says Clare.
It’s not as if I really care, but I feel I should contribute so I say,
‘Why?’
‘Dunno,’ Louise says, ‘I got it third hand but I think its something to do with the way the companies going.’
‘Maybe they’re moving it to India.’ I say

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News Part I

By call | May 26, 2007

At work today I hear 2 pieces of news, of a personal type, affecting 2 people who work in the call center.
The first piece is that Louise has split from her boyfriend.
‘I split up with Gi,’ she says to me when the rest of the day staff have left and there’s only her, me and the Hungarian cleaner in the office.
‘Jeez, Louise,’ I say, ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Well,’ she says, ‘I’m going to the pub with Emma after work,’ and laughs.’ Was he upset?’ I say
‘Not one fucking tear’, she says, almost snarling.

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Horn

By call | May 30, 2007

Tonight Clare is horny so her and Alison spend a lot of time talking about sex but are eventually distracted by the new copy of the magazine that’s just come in.
Then, next thing I know, I look over and they’re down on the carpet, Alison on her side with one leg hoisted ceiling-wards, demonstrating the position she likes to ‘be taken’ in.
We all start laughing and I say, ‘Shit, be careful that Zsolt doesn’t see you.’
Zsolt the Hungarian cleaner is still on the premises somewhere and I’m worried he might find this all a bit too much.

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Mrs Bard

By call | May 31, 2007

Tonight when I get in I call Mrs Bard.
‘Hello Mrs Bard, it’s Blah from Blah Blah,’ I say when she answers, ‘I’ve got some information on that phone for you’
She recognises me and says ‘Hello dear,’
‘The phone is just like a mobile,’ I tell her, ’so the charges are quite steep.’
I’d like to say, ‘You’ll have to mortgage the house to pay the fucking bill’ but instead I say, ‘So that’s something to think about.’

Then I ask her how she got on with the doctor who is trying to get her into some sheltered housing.

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Office Gossip

By call | May 31, 2007

After most of the day staff leave I go over and confer with Caroline about what our outfits will be wearing for Carrie’s wedding, which is finally rolling around this Saturday afternoon.

‘I don’t think it matters what we wear,’ I say, ‘`The posh bit will be over by the time we get there,’
‘There will still be the falconry display,’ she says, laughing.
‘Are you going with Alison and Chris?’ I say.
‘Yeh,’ she says, ‘Or Clare,’
Then she says, ‘Ooh, listen, I’ve got some gossip,’
‘Ooh, do tell,’ I say, leaning down on her desk, all ears.

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Carrie is Getting Married

By call | June 1, 2007

Tonight is the slowest night in living memory so we sit around talking about what we’re going to wear Carrie’s wedding, which has finally rolled around.
‘Do you think they’ll have food when we get there, a buffet?’ says Alison.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, but the others disagree.
‘Surely they will have some nibbles,’ Alison says.
‘Not for those invited to the disco only,’ I say.
‘I’m surprised the office didn’t do a whip around for Carrie,’ says Clare.
‘They didn’t for me either,’ I say, ‘though mine wasn’t a proper wedding, only a ‘Gay Union.’ and laugh.

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Down Under

By call | June 1, 2007

I don’t have to be at work until 6 tonight because I’ve swapped a shift so when I arrive most of the usual suspects have gone.

However, two of my favourites, Gilly and Caroline, are still here and I give Gilly a little flick on the ear lobe as I pass on the way to my desk

‘Alright my friend?’ she says to me in Australian.
Gilly has just come back from Down Under and is thinking about emigrating.
Her boyfriend Graham is an engineer so he has a lot of ‘qualifying points.’
‘Yeh, no worries cobber,’ I say back

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Saturday

By call | June 2, 2007

It’s Saturday today and, unusually, I’m at work. Clare has called asking me to cover the lunch hour because Tina’s called in sick.

‘Mate,’ she says when I answer the phone, ‘you couldn’t come in for a couple of hours over lunch could you so Jenny can go to the bank and I can get some food,’

‘Certainly,’ I say because I’m sat at home in front of the computer wasting the day anyway.
‘I’m right in thinking I’ll be getting paid,’ I say to Clare.
‘My oath, friend,’ she says, laughing.
‘See you in a bit then,’ I say.

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Monday Night

By call | June 4, 2007

Tonight is Monday and, unusually, I am at work.
Tonight I’m working with Alex, one of my favourites.
The first night I became truly aware of Alex it was because of his burping but now, both of us being step parents, we have much more in common.

Tonight Dave quizzes on being what its like to have step-children.
‘What are you going to say when he says he’s not going to do what you say because you’re not his dad?’
‘Tell him you might not be his dad but you’re fucking his mum so he’d better do as he’s told.’

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Moan Moan Moan

By call | June 5, 2007

The first call I get tonight at work is from a man who has not only received the wrong order but to add insult to injury the replacement was sent to the wrong address.

‘If you look at my order,’ he WHINES, ‘You’ll notice it’s been a series of disasters.’
I listen on, giving the receiver the finger while the others laugh. I sit patiently listening, becoming more infuriated by his self-righteousness tone and the triviality of his complaints. ‘The guy is obviously housebound,’ I say when I finally get him off the phone, ‘and his television’s broken. Fucking prick.’

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Stranger

By call | June 12, 2007

Tonight coming into work I feel like stranger. I haven’t been in for 8 days. As I pass through the door I feel like things are going in slow motion, like it’s a scene from a Tarantino film where I walk to the teller to make a bank raid or something.

I’m sat down at my desk and ready to go before anyone says hello to me. Then Gilly breaks the ice and says how much she liked her website and then says something else that makes me laugh and suddenly I’m right back where I belong. Temporarily, that is.

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Weekends

By call | June 13, 2007

Tonight I find out that Sharon has given me the extra weekend shift that had suddenly become available, which means I will be working with Clare every Saturday until October when I quit for good.

‘Oh, by the way, I got the Saturday shift,’ I say to Clare a few minutes after she arrives.
‘Oh, she gave it to you then did she?’ she says, smiling.
‘We better not fucking fall out now,’ I say.
Clare has a tendency to fall out with people/workmates, and usually lets us know in minute detail the progress of the failing/friendships as they destruct.

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Wags

By call | June 15, 2007

Tonight the newly married Carrie comes in looking like something from a ‘Wags Night Out’ documentary. She has a pair of those large round sunglasses on, the ones that look like fly eyes, and her false breasts look extraordinarily large.

‘I been down to Blenheim today, mixing with the celebs,’ she says.
‘Which ones?’ I ask her and she lists a pile of footballers and so on that I’ve only vaguely heard of but care nothing about.

‘I saw John Terry, I nearly squealed. The kids were nearly crying though, standing there in the rain. I love celebs.’ She says.

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Irritant

By call | June 17, 2007

When I get to work my head hurts and my eyes are so itchy I’d like to rip them out and sandpaper the holes.
Instead I go into the kitchen, boil the kettle and then stand there dabbing at the corner of my eyes with kitchen towel.

Next, I drink a big glass of water and then go back to my desk.
Alex gets up and goes past me on the way to the toilets to change into his cycling gear to ride home.
‘Alright T?’ he says.
‘Fine,’ I say.
Because, apart from the itchy eyes, I really am.

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Snack

By call | June 17, 2007

Today is the EnviroInitiative meeting and I’m on the EnviroInitiative team so I come in to work even though I’m not rostered on.

There are some unfamiliar people in the meeting room so I make a green tea and then walk over to Jenny’s desk.
‘Who’re those people in the meeting room?’ I ask her, just as they get up to leave.
‘Clients,’ she says.
Then I see someone pick up a tray of food and realise that all those snacks I see laying around when I come in at the end of the day are for clients, not staff.

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Fired 1

By call | June 19, 2007

I’ve gotten Jenny’s number off Emma and call her up to see how she’s feeling after being fired, or not fired, depending on how you look at it.

‘It’s not unexpected and really it will make me get off my arse and look for something else,’
I’m glad she’s taking it like this. ‘Probably better then, Jenny,’ I say, ‘Because you were saying the other day that you wanted a change,’

We talk about some other things and then I say, ‘Call me and we’ll go and have a coffee some time,’ I say.
‘Okay then,’ she says, ‘I will.’

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Fired

By call | June 21, 2007

Tonight at work Emma and Clare spend the first hour gossiping about something that I can’t hear. Eventually I go over and ask what they’re talking about because I’ve gathered from some of the words have drifted over, that Jenny has been fired.

‘Not fired,’ Emma says when I ask her to elaborate, ‘her contract wasn’t renewed.’
Then Clare phones Caroline and I ask Clare to put her through when she’s finished.
‘Hi ya, Cazza,’ I say.
‘You know that film I lent you, the one on global warming, have you still got it?’
‘It’s in my draw,’ she says.

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Film

By call | June 21, 2007

After I get off the phone to Caroline I go over to her desk and have a look in the top draw for the film, which she says is there.

It’s not there.
I knew it wouldn’t be.
I have a feeling I lent it to someone in the call center and can’t remember whom though I think it might be Gill.
So I phone her up.
‘Gill, did I lend you that film about global warming, the one we’re showing at the green team film night. I’m panicking now because it’s next Wednesday and I can’t find it now.’

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Film 1

By call | June 21, 2007

After she tells me that I didn’t lend the film to her, but that I did lend her the Rough Guide to Global Warming, I ask Emma if she has any idea.

‘You didn’t lend it to me,’ she says.
I go back to my desk and sit wondering about the people outside of work who could have taken it to watch. I can’t think of any.

Then I have this image of it sitting on the shelf of my office at home and decide not to worry about it until after I have checked if its there or not.

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Keys

By call | June 22, 2007

When I arrive at work I sit down next to Gilly and start talking to her
about whether she’s moving to Australia or not. I’m encouraging her wildly.
Then Michael from IT comes over and starts talking about the Enviro Team so
I get waylaid by what he’s trying to tell me. By the time he finishes almost
everyone has fled the office or are standing in the doorway about to leave
and I’ve only just had time to hand Caroline the keys to my house so she can
feed the cat.
‘Thanks Cazza,’ I yell as the door shuts.

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Pregnant

By call | June 22, 2007

Tonight Carrie starts talking about how her feet are swollen. Later she comes back from the toilet and says, ‘No period,’

Later, when the phones are quiet, I say, Cazza, is it nice being pregnant?’
‘No,’ she says.
‘What would you do if you were again?’ I say.
‘I’d deal with it, though I’d prefer someone handed me one that was 8 months old,’
‘My friend Michele told me the pain was like having a watermelon put up your bum,’
Then Clare says, ‘Can I add you to my friends on Facebook?’ and that’s the end of that conversation.

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Password

By call | June 26, 2007

I’d been away from work for 4 days and I can’t lie and say I was thrilled to go back. But then again when I walked in and saw Caroline and Gilly I can’t say I wasn’t happy.
I sat down at my desk and as I turned my computer on I called out to Gilly, ‘Are you on late tonight?’
‘Sure am,’ she called back, which made me more pleased.
Then Caroline called out, ‘Me too,’ which brought a smile to my face.
Then I tried to log on to my computer, which wouldn’t accept my password. FUCCKKK!

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Film III

By call | June 27, 2007

Today was the day of the film night at work. We were showing Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth. Even though I’d sent out 2 emails advertising the event, I knew that not many people would show up, but I really didn’t think there would be only the 2 of us. In the end, after waiting for 20 minutes, we got disgusted, packed up the dvd player and went home. It slightly clouded what had been a generally good time I’d had working for the company. Now, in all sincerity, I just could not wait to get out of the fucking place.

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Gossip

By call | June 28, 2007

Last night, after almost everyone else had left the office except for me, Caroline and Clare, Caroline tells us some really quite extraordinarily satisfying gossip about someone who used to work in the office who has now left, but who is still a ‘presence’ due to her friendship with some of the people still employed here.

‘Obviously, you’re not to tell anyone,’ Caroline tells us, ‘Not yet anyway,’ And then she launches into a story rich in intrigue, greed and a fair smattering of arrogance, stupidity and childishness.

‘I never liked her.’ I say when Caroline’s story comes to close.

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Balloon

By call | June 29, 2007

Tonight, after we get bored counting out 25 balloons and bagging them, Clare turns to me and says, ‘I was at my Mum’s today and I thought to myself, I’d really like to be a sex toy tester,’

I don’t laugh at this because for Clare to put ‘Sex Toy’ and ‘Work’ in the same sentence is not at all surprising.
‘Lou,’ she says to Louise, ‘Google it, Google ‘Sexy Toy Tester’ and see what comes up,’
So Louise logs on to Google and types in ‘Sex Toy Tester.’
‘What comes up,’ I say, ‘Are there jobs in the field?’

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Cakes

By call | July 3, 2007

Louise and Caroline have been shopping and they’ve got something for me. You see, I’ve developed a liking for Weight Watcher’s brand carrot cake.

Someone had brought some into the office for the dieting people to eat on someone’s birthday and, having tried one, I ate 7.

Friday I bought 2 packs and ate them by Saturday morning, so when Caroline said her and Lou were off to ASDA, where cake is cheap, I jumped at the chance.

Tonight Caroline has 5 packets for me. I hand over the green tea I’ve bought her and she hands me the cakes.

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Discount

By call | July 3, 2007

Just after I sit down and turn my machine on, Sharon goes pass my desk and I say to her, ‘I’ve emailed you about my holiday dates, hope they’re okay,’
‘I’ll check them tomorrow if that’s alright, Lovey,’
I’d been hoping to take two weeks off and go to Florida with the Mrs but financially, it’s just not viable.
‘Yeh,’ I say, turning back to my screen, ‘fine,’
Shortly after this I hear Alison and Sharon in conversation and I am quite surprised at what I learn.
Apparently the part timers have no entitlement to staff discounts.
A fucking OUTRAGE!

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The Master

By call | July 3, 2007

Gilly is working until 6 tonight so I have a little chat with her when I arrive.
I slide my chair across the floor to her desk to talk a bit about her future. She surprises me by saying that it has been suggested she try for the role of account manager that has been advertised internally. ‘It would clear my debts before I go to Australia,’
I reassure her it’s not a bad thing and that it could be good for her future in Australia. Secretly I hope she does a Masters and gets clear out of the office.

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Bully

By call | July 4, 2007

Tonight while I’m taking a call, I hear Clare telling Sharon that we’ve all moved desks because I get lonely and paranoid if they don’t all sit with me. I can’t respond because I’m in the middle of a call.
Next thing I know, Alison has tears in her eyes and Clare is badgering her for what’s wrong.
I go and get Alison a piece of kitchen towel, the soft blue stuff, and she dabs the tears away.
‘Hey, what’s wrong mate?’ says Clare.
‘Probably you bullying her,’ I say, and Clare’s jaw drops slightly in surprise.
Alison starts laughing.

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Tying-Up

By call | July 5, 2007

At about half 7 Clare suddenly goes, ‘Oh, I signed up for the sexy toy testing thing. I signed online.’
Alison hadn’t been at work the night Clare was telling us about her desire for a career change.
‘That would be your perfect job,’ Alison says, because we all know of Clare’s love of sex.
Then Clare tells Alison that she had to pay something, 49.50 or so, and they send her the toys, which she tests and then keeps.
‘You tell them though, like, if you hate bondage so they don’t send any tying-up stuff or anything.’ Clare explains.

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Popcorn

By call | July 6, 2007

I look at the clock and it reads 17:11. ‘Fuck, fuck,’ I say to Carrie who is at the desk next to me holding a 350g tub of toffee popcorn and shovelling it, literally, though without a shovel, into her gob. ‘You’ve got little bits of popcorn stuck in your ‘tache’, I say. ‘Shouldn’t have,’ she says, ‘I just waxed it,’ When she finishes it she starts telling us about the flight she had out to South Africa. ‘Really nice, really nice people, really friendly,’ she says, ‘KLM, they were called. Of course the plane was delayed out of England.’

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Sun

By call | July 7, 2007

It’s Saturday and the sun is out and I have to go to fucking work. When I arrive, Lou is standing out the front waiting for me to unlock and let her in.
‘Fucking typical,’ I say, ‘look at the day Lou, first day of sun this century, practically,’
Inside the office I suggest to Lou that we open the door to the office and lock the gate in front.
That way we can at least see some rays of hope spreading across the lobby and taste that pleasure of the outside world denied to us today.
Oh, shining sun.

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Mood

By call | July 10, 2007

Both Carrie and I have come in to work in vile moods and to top it all off, women are calling up in their thousands because there’s a sale on and they want their chattels at half price.

I’m afraid to say that the whole process is making me sick.
I’ve never seen any of the products in the flesh, so when the customer queries me on what the item they’re ordering looks like, I have to log on to the website and trawl through pages of nasty looking overpriced shitty trinkets and bags.

I’m in the wrong fucking job.

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Soup

By call | July 10, 2007

While the phones are quiet, and I’m wandering around the office taking a peek at people’s desks, I find a packet of cuppa soup on the desk where Jenny used to sit.
I pick it up and read the ingredients.
Seeing that it’s has a low level of fat, I decide to have one and ask Carrie if she’d like one too.
‘Yeh, crack on, I’ll have one,’ she says, so I go into the kitchen and boil some water for our cuppa soup.
‘It’s been fucking years since I’ve had one of these,’ I yell from the kitchen area.

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No One

By call | July 11, 2007

No one’s calling tonight, the phones simply aren’t ringing.
Carrie turns to me, shaking her head, and says, ‘This is fucking insane,’
I sit at my desk beating out a tune with my knuckles and Carrie eats peanuts.
Clare’s not talking because she’s writing her 100words.
‘How many have you done tonight?’ I say to her.
‘5,’ she says.
‘Can I see them?’ I ask.
‘Yeh, in a minute,’ she says. ‘I’m writing about Martin and Selina. I’m writing that one where she texts me about meeting up with her and I text back, “Sure, how’s the ‘10th of Never.’

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Review II

By call | July 12, 2007

Post-review, back in the main section of the office, Sharon shouts, ‘Want to see where I’m going on holiday?’
‘Plee-ease,’ I say.
‘See,’ Sharon calls out to Amanda, who’s further up the office, ‘Someone’s interested in where I’m going,’
Sharon comes over and shows me a brochure featuring glossy pictures of resorts with miles of pools lined with palm trees.
‘Can you get your gear off there?’ I ask.
‘If I wanna clear the beach,’ Sharon says.
‘I go nowhere that I have to swim with a bathing-costume on.’ I say.
Alison starts laughing, then blushing and fanning her face.

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Chris, Alison and Jessica Rabbit

By call | July 13, 2007

‘He bought her a Jessica rabbit,’ says Clare after Alison tells us Chris is in a really bad mood.
‘How do you know?’ I ask Alison, who is smiling over at me.
‘He told me last night and they arrived today.’
I start laughing and Alison continues.
‘He also got me crotch-less stockings, and the whole lot came with a little travel vibrator,’
Then I hear a noise and say, ‘What’s that?’
‘It’s my phone,’ says Clare, ‘It’s on vibrate,’
Then Alison starts laughing, and wobbling on her chair, ‘Nah, it’s me,’ she says, ‘I’ve left the travel vibe in.’

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Review You

By call | July 13, 2007

It’s time again for my bi-monthly review. I don’t give a shit about them really, I know I’m doing an okay job and if there was anything untoward, or the opposite, to be revealed, I’d probably know about it already.
‘I’m going out for a fag, lovey,’ says Sharon, who’s reviewing me, ‘Back in a tic,’
‘No problems,’ I say, turning back to Gilly who is teaching me some other form of data inputting, or outputting, as is the case.
Gilly’s laughing because I’m 2 finger typing and making mistakes.
‘Fuck me,’ I say, ‘I’ll be here all fucking night.’

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The Tee Shirts

By call | July 13, 2007

After spending the whole day at home, intermittently fighting with the wife and sleeping, I was quite pleased to get out of the house and in to the office.
I spend the first few minutes speaking to Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, about Australia.
‘In my country, for example,’ he says, ‘Every people, young and so on, having tee shirts with writing, ‘Aboriginal’,’
I am amazed and start laughing.
He continues, ‘Every people love the hunter who died 2 year ago; and little child, Bindi.’
This sends me into near hysterics.
It seems the Hungarians are Australophiles.

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Computer Games

By call | July 13, 2007

Because there aren’t any calls to take, we play games on the computer. I can’t get the hang of ‘Minesweeper’ so Carrie slides her chair over to teach me ‘Solitaire’.
‘I thought the cards had to follow suit,’ I say.
‘Nope.’ She says.
I win the second hand against the machine.
In the end though, the victory is clouded by remembering a story my brother told me about my mother playing Solitaire in the kitchen while my father, depressed from a stroke, sat silently in the living room with his dog on his lap.

Later, he was to kill himself.

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Super

By call | July 19, 2007

Zsolt, the guy who cleans the office has asked me to bring in some photos of where I come from. Since the discussion about the Hungarians who wear the tee shirt with the word ‘Aboriginal’ written across the front, I’ve come to realise that he is fascinated by Australia, so I’ve brought a couple of spectacular looking ones featuring my mother’s front garden and the rowing club lawns.
‘Super,’ he says when I show him them.
‘Your garden? He says, holding up one of them.
‘My Mum’s garden,’ I tell him.
‘Super,’ he says, ‘Just very super.’ Pronouncing it ‘Soup-Airrrrrrrr.’

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Clare and her OCD

By call | July 19, 2007

Thursday night and I get in to work to see a stack of boxes containing those fucking bracelets to unpack and re-bag.
Sharon comes over from her desk to tell us what to do.
‘We know,’ we tell her, ‘We did them all day Saturday, we’re experienced, thanks,’
Then everyone leaves and me, Alison and Clare get stuck into it.
Clare, her OCD kicking in, starts laying down the law in terms of how the whole process will take place.
‘You stick the stickers on the bags,’ she says, ‘and then chuck the packaging in the trolley.’
No discussion, then

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Flooding in Carterton

By call | July 20, 2007

There’s a festive atmosphere tonight when I arrive at work. There are lot of day staff left, and they’re not at their desks. They’re milling around Sharon’s desk, as if waiting for someone to make a decision.
As I come in, they all turn and stare at me and I say, ‘What?’
‘How did you get in?’ several of them call out.
‘I took a spaceship. Why?’
It seems that a lot of roads around town are closed down due the foul weather that passed over the UK today.
It seems my colleagues are worried about getting home.
Or not.

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Flooding in Carterton II

By call | July 20, 2007

Clare’s not in tonight. The foul weather, having blocked off her roads has given her the night off and she’s at home drinking wine.

I phone her.
‘Hello, my friend,’ I say, ‘aren’t you the lucky one?’
‘I’m drinking,’ she says, and lets out one of her dirty laughs.
‘Are you by yourself?’ I say.
Clare usually has Friday nights alone because Stuart takes the kids to his parents.
‘Stuarts here,’ she’s says and I call out ‘hi’ to him.
Then she whispers into the phone, ‘Selina’s here. And the other one’s on his way round”
‘Oh, fuck.’ I say.

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Washing Hands After the Toilet

By call | July 24, 2007

After Zsolt and I have a long conversation about his country, my country, other countries and general other things, I finish off my orders and then go to the toilet.
‘Sometimes I don’t wash my hands after I’ve gone to the toilet,’ I say to Carrie when I get back.
She looks at me.
‘That’s alright, sometimes I don’t either,’
‘I do when I pooh,’ I say.
Then I amend that.
‘Sometimes I forget though, or can’t be arsed,’
Carrie, who is still looking at me, says, ‘That’s alright, I don’t either sometimes.
Then we go back to our work.

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Missing Persons

By call | July 24, 2007

Tonight there seem to be a few people missing from the office.
I sit down and turn my computer on and wonder if it’s because of the floods.
While my machine warms up I look over in Gilly’s direction and say ‘Hi Gil,’
Then I notice she’s cut her hair.
‘Gil, have you cut your hair, matey?’
‘Yes’, she says.
‘I like it, it looks great,’
Gilly has one of those faces that would let her get away with wearing a hat made of offal.
‘Did you do hack it off with a razor blade this time?’ I ask her.

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The Tale of Alison and the Shower at the Gym

By call | July 31, 2007

About half an hour after she arrives, Alison suddenly swings her chair my way, and smiling, says, ‘Ooh, how was your colonic?’
So I launch into the tale of having my backside hosed out, and she grimaces.
‘Ew,’ she says several times during the retelling and I try to reassure her.
‘It’s great for IBS,’ I tell her, ‘You should have a go,’
After a while we go off topic, and she says, ‘I did something really embarrassing,’
‘What,’ I say, ‘did you suck Chris off in Waitrose?
‘No, I turned the shower on myself at the gym, fully clothed.’

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Bad News

By call | August 2, 2007

Tonight there are more bracelets to bag but I swap a task with Clare and start dialling people up to talk to them about problems with their orders.
‘Hello could I speak to Mrs ……, ‘ I say as the first customer answers the phone.
‘Speaking,’ the woman says.
‘Oh hello,’ I say, ‘It’s …. Calling from …… about the problem you’ve been having with your coffee table,’
And as the call goes on, I relax because the bollocking I had been expecting because of the news I was relaying, doesn’t materialise. In fact, we relax into rather pleasant discourse, on an unpleasant theme.

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Mooncup

By call | August 3, 2007

‘I’ve just thrown away another fucking pair of knickers,’ I tell Clare and Carrie when I come out of the toilet at work tonight. Carrie is sitting on the floor reading about a man who went swimming with sharks. ‘It’s the third pair today that I’ve chucked out,’ I tell her.
Clare is on the phone so she can’t pay any attention to my story.
‘I thought you had one of those Mooncups that don’t leak,’ says Carrie.
‘I do,’ I tell her, ‘but since the cat chewed the stem off it, it doesn’t seem to be functioning properly anymore.’

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DreamLand

By call | August 9, 2007

Tonight toward the end of the shift, I put my head down on my arms and doze.
I don’t dream of anything, which is a pity, and am woken by the phone ringing.
After I have taken the call I sit back and look around the office.
From where I sit I can see Caroline’s screen saver, which has a pink background and the word ‘Wayne’ written across it.
In a box behind her screen are a plastic orange dog and a packet of McVities digestive biscuits.
On the back of her chair hangs a luminous green sleeveless hazard vest.

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Alison’s New Bra

By call | August 9, 2007

At work tonight Alison shows us her new bra.
She doesn’t have time to sit down before Clare, typically, starts informing her what’s wrong with it.
‘2 fingers,’ she says, slipping her index and middle fingers under the strap that graces Alison’s shoulder.
‘Should only be 2 fingers space between flesh and strap otherwise your tits don’t sit right.’
Alison laughs and says, ‘I spent £18 pounds on a pair of matching knickers,’
‘Fuck,’ I say, I haven’t spent more than about 1.50 on a pair of knickers, ever,’
‘Chris likes them,’ she says, smiling, which makes me smile too.

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Bag of Balls

By call | August 10, 2007

Tonight drags like no other night in living memory. Carrie is sitting on the floor bagging balloons. Clare is playing with her new phone.
Suddenly she remembers that we are entering an erotica writing competition so she phones home to get the details. While she’s on the phone to Stuart I tell her it would be good to include a story about a woman who runs some vibrating love beads under a man’s ball bag. ‘
‘Oiled up,’ I suggest and Clare giggles.
‘How many words,’ I ask.
‘5 to 8 hundred,’ she says.
‘We’ll piss it in,’ I say.

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Bottom feeder

By call | August 10, 2007

At work tonight I Hoover junk food into mouth like some fat, bottom dwelling sea mammal. I find a bag of toffee éclairs from Dave’s last day at work and I snag a few. Then Clare comes back from the vending machine with a bag of Worcestershire flavoured crisps and I try one. Then Clare goes back to the machine and gets me 2 more packets and I eat one while I look through a magazine for a pair of shoes for a customer. After the crisps, I go to the hot drink dispenser and make myself a hot chocolate.

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Shoes, Shoes, Fucking Shoes

By call | August 10, 2007

A woman calls up for shoes.
‘I been on holiday,’ she says, ‘I got your magazine in the airport, but I forgot to bring it home,’
‘Do you know the page?’ I say
She doesn’t', nor the product name or number.
‘There’s not much I can do,’ I say.
We both fall silent.
She’s expecting me to go through the magazine page by page, searching for the shoes.
‘Bear with me, I’ll pop you on hold and have a look through the magazine.’ I say.
Then I sit back, feet up on the desk and open a bag of crisps.

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The Postman

By call | August 11, 2007

Today at work the phones don’t run hot so we spend the day writing porn.
Confused by the end of the day between what qualifies as porn and what as
erotica, we search for the meaning on Wikipedia.
‘Apparently erotica is artistic, arousing artistically rather than by just straight filth,’ I tell Clare and Caroline while I’m sitting at Caroline’s computer Googling the meaning.
‘Do you think what we wrote qualifies as erotica?’ Clare says, ‘That stuff about being banged by the postman on the kitchen floor by a penis which rears up like an enraged cobra?’

We start laughing.

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Scream

By call | August 11, 2007

I’m so sick of the phone ringing I could shriek.
If I have to listen to one more fucker ordering a bag, I think I might throw up or scream.
All day long it’s, ‘I’d like to order a mat’ or, ‘the bag I received is the wrong.’
Sometimes I want to ask, ‘Why are you inside on such a day, ordering shit over the phone.’
But I’m not allowed, so I rest my head in hand, pretending it’s not so bad spending weekends in a call center taking orders from people with too much money and not enough sense.

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Pink Sabbath

By call | August 12, 2007

Today, the day of the Sabbath apparently, it’s me, Emma and Louise at work and several large boxes of those fucking pink balloons.

I start the day well, bagging and boxing several hundred bags of powdered pink rubber until around just before lunchtime when I get someone that winds me up so much that I simply hang up on them.

I tell the others, ‘I hung up on someone, they were just simply being rude and I shouldn’t have to, no rephrase that, I won’t put up with their fucking shit.’

Then Cathy arrives and we go upstairs for lunch.

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Full On

By call | August 14, 2007

Tonight, about 15 minutes after I get to work, Sharon comes in from the warehouse and calls my name.
‘T… Le……’, she calls out.
‘Yes,’ I call back.
She signals for me to come over to her desk so I obey.
I don’t realise but she wants me to sit down with her, she has something to tell me.
I stand next to Caroline’s desk, opposite Sharon’s, but Sharon motions me closer.
Suddenly I realise she has something important to tell me.
I cup my ear and bend down, moving closer.
‘You want to whisper?’ I say and she laughs.

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Full On II

By call | August 14, 2007

‘Okay lovey,’ she says, ‘I got your email about doing Dave’s hours,’
‘Oh yes,’ I say.
You’ll be helping me out, Lovey, doing some day shifts,’
I smile and say, ‘Oh fantastic,’
Then we talk a bit about what hours I’ll do, when, and etc.
‘Of course, no jeans in the day, no trainers, and no ‘Welcome to Gayland’ tee shirts,’ she says and we laugh.
‘I might wear a skirt and mules,’ I say, ‘Though I don’t really understand what mules are.’
As the others laugh I swear silently to myself to wear a skirt first day of full-time.

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Mooncup Moonschmup

By call | August 16, 2007

Tonight practically as soon as she sits down, Alison tells me she has a problem related to her vagina.
‘I think it’s from my tampon string,’ she says.
‘It’s probably a callous from using your vibe too much,’ I say, laughing.
‘That’s what Chris reckons,’ Alison says, ‘but I think it’s caused by my tampon string,’
‘Get a Mooncup,’ I say, knowing she won’t.
‘I emailed them to ask for a student discount, they said no,’ I continue, ‘So I replied saying,:-
Sorry to hear that. I will have to make my own then, out of melted down bicycle tyres.’

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More With Steph

By call | August 16, 2007

On approximately the 4th of April I’m going full-time.
I pop over to Sharon’s desk to confirm.
‘Will my pay stay the same?’ I ask.
‘Ooh, I’m not sure lovey,’ she says, ‘I’ll ask Steph. Email me and remind me to email her will you?’ she says.
‘Sure,’ I say giving her the thumbs up and a smile.
Poor Sharon is worked like a pack mule these days, so to lessen her load, I decide that when I see Steph come back in from her run I’ll call out, ‘Can I have a word with you about my pay, Steph?’

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Vagina

By call | August 17, 2007

Because Alison’s vagina is causing her some worry, we get on to the topic of what’s normal and abnormal in female genitalia.

‘Chris told me mine wasn’t pretty anymore, after I’d had the kids,’ says Alison
Then Clare starts describing her own vagina.
But Alison is still confused, so because I’ve been to art school, I tell her I will draw mine for her.
While I’m trying to find some paper Clare suggests we take pictures of our vaginas with her mobile phone so we can compare them.

‘Let me go first.’ I say and Clare hands me her phone.

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Drizzle

By call | August 18, 2007

I’m not thrilled to be going in to work this morning. I’m tired and the sky is grey and can only manage a bit of drizzle.
Once I arrive however, things start to pick up. I’m on shift with Clare and Alex, my favourite colleagues.
After we’ve said our hellos Alex goes straight the vending machine.
‘Drinks anyone?’ he calls.
‘Would you boil the kettle for me, please?’ I ask him.
Ten minutes later I go into the kitchen and the water isn’t hot.
‘You don’t know how to use the new eco-kettle, do you?’ I say, and we laugh.

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A Question

By call | August 21, 2007

Tonight, out of pure boredom, I adjust and then readjust the resolution on my monitor.
Then, tired of that, I ask Gill if she wants a tea.
‘You want tea, Gill?’ I say.
She cocks her head to one side and frowns, trying to make up her mind.
‘Have a green one,’ I say.
‘She straightens her head up and says, ‘Hmm, I should, shouldn’t. Makes you live longer, doesn’t it,’
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘I’m nearly 90,’
I go into the kitchen and Zsolt is there.
‘A question,’ he says to me.
‘Tell me.’ I say, putting the kettle on.

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Balloons…..Again

By call | August 21, 2007

Carrie has called in sick and so has Alison so tonight it’s me and Gilly.
‘Balloons, lovey,’ Sharon tells me before I leave, ‘Bagging those balloons again.
Against the wall are boxes of pink fucking balloons.
‘Do they ever end?’ I say to Sharon.
Sitting down at my desk I notice Alex.
‘Hi Alex,’ I say, ‘you look spiffy today,’
He’s wearing a pale blue shirt with a slightly darker tie.
‘Only clean shirt in the cupboard,’ he says.
One of the saving graces of going fulltime is that I’ll get to see more of Alex, one of my favourites.

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Porn

By call | August 23, 2007

Tonight virtually as soon as Clare sits down, she says, “I’ve got something to show you,”
I turn toward her, “What is it,?” I ask her.
“Another porn story,” she says, “And I need you to edit it,”
I start laughing. Clare is embarking on a new career as a porn author and spends a lot of time typing filth..
“Stuart thinks there’s something wrong with me,” she says, “He thinks there’s something wrong with my brain with this shit I write.”

Clare has a liking for porn, writing it, talking about, testing equipment and most of all, performing it.

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Souper

By call | August 24, 2007

Tonight I bring Gilly a plastic bag of homemade soup, sellotaped into a takeaway container that I’d kept from a Thai takeaway I’d had recently.

‘Sorry, Gill,’ I say, ‘I didn’t have a tub with a lid that fit. I had to put the soup in a bag and then the bag in the takeaway container and then sellotape it,’

Gill is pleased to have soup and lifts the corner to have a sniff.
Before she can ask about the ingredients, her phone rings so I take the opportunity to turn my computer on and log on to the phones

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Addict

By call | August 25, 2007

Today at work, while stuffing envelopes with letters of apology to customers, I started thinking about Friday nights and how there’s always a festive feeling in the office.

Last night there’d been a particularly jovial atmosphere as Sharon was leaving for almost 3 weeks holiday in hurricane torn Mexico.

‘You all sorted out nicotine wise for the flight,’ I asked her.
Sharon, a nicotine addict, has to endure a 12-hour flight without her drug.
‘Got patches, lovey,’ she says, ‘and one of them sucker things.’ I laugh, thinking about my grandfather who smoked even while sitting down for a shit

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Porn II

By call | August 25, 2007

Clare has bought a domain name and is going to start publishing her porn stories online.
Coincidentally, today in some awful magazine she’s reading at work, there’s an article on how to make it big writing porn. She gets very excited and starts tearing at the page and saying, ‘Ooh, ooh, look at this,’

On the page are several stories, written by novice porn authors, and submitted to the magazine.
For the next hour it is impossible to get a seconds attention from her as she devours the article on how to get a start in the porn publishing industry.

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Bank

By call | September 4, 2007

A woman phones, irritated and slightly forceful.
‘Why’s no money been taken from my account, even though I have my goods. I’m trying to keep track of my finances and I expected that the money had been taken,’

‘Goods won’t be shipped out to you without payment being taken,’ I say, following up with the suggestion that she check with her bank, as its likely they’ve made the mistake.

At this point, she lets me have it.
‘I work in banking, ‘I’m a bank manager.’ she shrieks, leaving me wondering why she’s then so shit at keeping track of money.

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Full On

By call | September 4, 2007

Today is my first day of fulltime.
Having been off for a week, I’m dreading it slightly.
On my way through to the kitchen, to put my boiled eggs and fried rice in the fridge, I give Louise a little tickle on the neck and, even though she’s on the phone, she gives me a little wave.

Her happy greeting comforts me. Then as I turn back toward the office, after putting my food in the fridge, I see Alex smiling at me. All of a sudden, fulltime in the call center doesn’t seem as intolerable as it once did.

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Alex’s Teeth

By call | September 4, 2007

Post lunch hour my first day and I’m so tired that I start wondering how I will last 6 the weeks of 8.5 hours a day.
I call to Alex, who’s sitting opposite me at the computer island, ‘How do you do this everyday?’ I say.
He smiles and starts to stand up. Halfway, though into an upright position, he grabs his hip and moans.
‘I’ve aged over night he says,’ limping over to my desk, smiling and laughing.
I look up at him, as he smiles down at me, and find myself thinking how really nice his teeth are.

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Gilly Looks Tired

By call | September 5, 2007

As she heads back from the kitchen to her desk, I notice Gilly looks tired.
‘You look tired,’ I tell her.
‘Thanks for the compliment,’ she says.
I laugh. ‘I didn’t say you were ugly, just tired,’ I say.
‘It’s probably this thing growing on the side of my face,’ she says.
Gillian has a pimple between her eye and the bridge of her nose, which she’s referring to as ‘My Tumour.’
‘It’s draining your energy for its growth,’ I tell her.
‘That’ll be why I couldn’t understand my alarm clock this morning,’ She says, ‘and went back to sleep.’

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Sore Bottom

By call | September 5, 2007

The first person I see this morning, as I enter the office, is Gillian, who alongside Alex, is one of my favourites among the full timers.
After I turn my computer on, I go into the kitchen and put my home made three-bean, mozzarella, tomato and balsamic vinegar dressed salad, in the fridge.
I dither about whether to make a green tea, but unable to make a decision, I go back to my desk empty handed.
As my backside hits the seat, I realise just how sore my bottom is.
Drinking too much coffee yesterday set my sphincter alight.

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No Joke, Maria

By call | September 5, 2007

It’s just after lunch and, coincidentally, as Maria approaches my desk with a bundle of envelopes, I’m considering standing up and screaming, ‘IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE?’

But I don’t.
Instead I start tearing open the envelopes that Maria has handed me.
‘I don’t know how to process these,’ I say, looking up at her.
‘Don’t worry, give them to Lou, she’ll do them.’
I lean back in my chair and look over at Lou who’s shoveling pickled onion flavoured Hula Hoops into her mouth.
I start wondering what drug I can get away with taking at work.

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Nothern

By call | September 5, 2007

After lunch, in the kitchen area, a northern-accented woman (whose name I don’t know) and I discuss how unnatural it is to be locked inside all day.
At some point in the conversation she says, ‘I was locked in a toilet on the weekend without 10p,’
I do a double-take, wondering if I’ve missed the part leading up to this revelation.
‘I had to call my daughter to slip a coin under the door,’ she explains.
Then I hear the words ‘claustrophobic’ and ‘terrified’ and wonder if the synapses in my brain are misfiring, redirecting information to the wrong lobes.

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Soup II

By call | September 6, 2007

This morning, because I leave the house late, I race to work so fast on my bicycle that when I finally pull up at the office, I swear I can taste blood from my lungs.

No one greets me when I walk in, and I suspect that there’s some kind of ‘mood’ going on.
Ignoring this, I go through to the kitchen area to put my soup in the fridge, turning on my computer on the way so it’s warmed up, ready to start working as soon as I’ve put my soup away and made myself a cup of tea.

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Disturbing

By call | September 6, 2007

Midday-ish I take a call from a young woman who it turns out is the carer for an elderly lady who has just taken delivery of a pack disposable bed pads.

‘Can you tell me the price of them, for the pack?’ she says.
I log on to my system and check what she’s paid for them.
‘22 pounds,’ I say, ‘before postage,’
‘22 quid, that’s disgusting,’ she says, and only because I’d lose my job if I did, I don’t stand up and scream, ‘TOO FUCKING RIGHT. 24 QUID FOR 12 OLD PEOPLES NAPPIES IS A FUCKING NATIONAL DISGRACE,’

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UHTerrible

By call | September 7, 2007

Heading back from the toilet I decide to make coffee. I put whitener in a mug, a teaspoon of coffee on top, water and add 4 of those tiny UHT faux-milks. However, on the first sip I realise the milk is off.

I start making another. At the faux-milk stage again, I see that the last one is coagulated, yoghurt-like, and stinks.
‘Ew,’ I say, emptying the coffee down the sink again.
Back at my desk, before I can tell Alex what’s happened, he says, ‘Y’know, I’ve been thinking about what it must be like to live like a cave-man.”

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Man-Piss

By call | September 7, 2007

Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, has gone back to Hungary for a holiday, to catch up with his dogs and his mother.
As a result, the office toilets look like those of a kindergarten. There’s toilet paper all over the floor and the bins are overflowing with hand towels and there are droplets of liquid in the front of the toilet bowl, which I wonder are droplets of man-piss.
When I come out of the toilet I stand, hands-on-hip, in the kitchen area, looking down toward the staff, wondering if they’re this inconsiderate in their own homes.

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Mug

By call | September 7, 2007

This morning, out of pure boredom, I choose a mug from the kitchen area and decide to make it my favourite for the rest of the time I’m here. It’s white and features worn gold piping around the lip, a Royal Air Force, Squadron 101 logo, and inscribed on a scroll under that in Latin, ‘Mens Agit Molem’.

‘Mens Agitat Molem?’ I repeat to myself, trying to work out what it means.
Unable to translate, I spin the mug around and see that on the back is stamped an RAF wing emblem, and the word ‘Janester’ in cursive gold script.

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Hangar

By call | September 7, 2007

Today, having started at 11.30, I take my lunch break at 4.15pm.
I go upstairs to the rest area, a sort of loft section above the office where there’s a big blue sofa, 2 microwaves, some tables and a big flat screen TV on one wall. I like this room during the day but after dark I simply wont go into it and the nights I’m on late I refuse to go up and turn the air-conditioner off. You see, during WWII this building used to be an airplane hanger and apparently the ghost of an airman loiters here still.

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Gilly’s Stomach

By call | September 9, 2007

Gilly has a bad stomach.
‘I’ve been awake since 4am with this sort of burning up here,’ she says, drawing an imaginary line up her torso with her index finger.
‘Wind?’ I say.
‘Nah,’ she says, going on to list what she ate last night.
‘Maybe it’s stress,’ I say, ‘because you’re moving up the office.’
Gilly is moving up the office.
A kind of promotion, she’s going to be with the accounts department.
We will miss her in the call center, but the office being open plan, we’ll still be able to see her face from where we sit.

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Lou’s Date

By call | September 9, 2007

Lou has a date. She had one last night, too. A guy she met online.
‘I’ve been chatting to him for about a year,’ she tells me.
Cutting to the chase I say, ‘Have you done anything with him?’
‘No,’ she says, ‘there’s something about him I’m not sure about,’
‘Married?’ I say.
Lou smiles.
It turns out he has a wife, from somewhere in the tropics, who refuses to live in the UK.
‘The marriage,’ says Lou, ‘is apparently not legal here,’
‘Well, At least he hasn’t demanded sex from you yet,’ I say.
‘There is that,’ she says.

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Anything, Nothing…..

By call | September 10, 2007

8.37am and a bitch-woman calls up, harassing about sale catalogues.
‘Tell me how much your sale is,’ she says.
It’s early, and flustered by her aggressive manner, I put her on hold to ask Maria, then relay that the sale has finished.
‘When did it finish?’ says bitch-woman, forcing me to quiz Maria again.
After telling her it finished last month, the woman asks if there are any sales at all, ‘I’ll have to put you on hold for that information,’ I say.
‘Put me through to someone who knows SOMETHING,’ Bitch-woman shouts down the line, ‘you don’t know ANYTHING.’

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Shit

By call | September 10, 2007

After a lunchtime picnic with Gilly, I’m feeling windy.
A couple of times during the afternoon, feeling bloated from the broccoli, I pop into the toilets and try to relieve myself.

On the third try I can smell that someone (I think I know who) has been in and had a big shit. It’s too late to back-out and go to another, and to tell the truth, the smell isn’t so bad that I have to leave. More, it’s that creepy kind of ‘heat’ that’s left in the toilet after someone’s had a dump that’s making me feel slightly queasy.

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Grrr, Grrr, Grrr…….

By call | September 10, 2007

I take a call from an old woman who says she has arthritis, therefore qualifying for VAT exemption.
‘I’m crippled with osteoarthritis,’ she bleats.
Several times during the call she mentions a different company to the one I work for, leading me to believe she might’ve called the wrong number.
This is confirmed by the fact that she starts quoting unrecognisable order codes. Rather than tell her she’s wrong, I ask for more codes.
Eventually she shouts, ‘I’m going to post my order in. I’m very unhappy with this call,’ and hangs-up on me.
‘Nasty, crippled old cunt.’ I think.

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Catalogue Revisited

By call | September 11, 2007

The phone rings and lo and behold it’s that woman who, just yesterday, told me I didn’t know anything.
‘Hey” she says, ‘I want to know about your catalogue, that one with a hundred pages,’
Recognising her voice I start to smile and turn to Louise, mouthing, ‘It’s that catalogue-freak from yesterday,’
Louise is smiling, mouthing, ‘Who?’
I can’t go ‘alta-voce’ or the catalogue-freak will hear me.
‘This lady, she was gonna send me one yesterday. My catalogue didn’t come, I want a bag, see. You take Visa Electron? I need this bag, see.’ says the freak, barely drawing breath.

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Shameless

By call | September 11, 2007

A woman calls up to order paraphernalia for a charity account we’re handling. The Christians are filling boxes with ’stuff’ to send to the poor, spreading the message of Jesus simultaneously. (I wonder if that message includes the smiting and stoning of non-believers)
“I want to know where to drop these off,’ she tells me after I complete her order.
‘If you go online, Madam,’ I say, ‘you can find all the information there,’
‘Oh I can’t, my husband has knocked the Internet off. I was spending too much money on it, gambling.’ she says, without a hint of shame

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Catalogue Revisited I

By call | September 11, 2007

A woman calls up requesting that our catalogue full of pictures of over priced bags and shit be sent to her home.
‘Brilliant,’ she says after I tell her I’ve processed her order.
Next, a man calls up for the Jesus charity.
‘Brilliant,’ he says when I tell him the bits of paper will arrive with him within 7 days.
‘Brilliant,’ says a woman for whom I’ve cancelled an order because she’s found the goods cheaper at John Lewis.
‘Brilliant,’ I say when I notice that the digital numbers at the bottom right hand corner of my screen say 5.30pm.

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Gay

By call | September 15, 2007

Around 5.30 a guy phones looking for some piece of furniture he’s ordered.
After his postcode draws a blank on my system I ask if he’s ordered online or via post.
‘Neither,’ he says, so I explain that we don’t deal with items bought in-store.
Then he says something that makes me laugh.
‘I don’t mean to be rude, but this guy at the store, he’s well, he’s no help and whenever I ask him something, he behaves so…he’s just so ineffective and so, well…. gay,’ he says in his lovely Scottish accent, ‘but that’s just between you and me.’

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Sick

By call | September 16, 2007

The first thing Clare tells me is that she has lost her mojo, so he spends the second half of the shift massaging Carrie’s shoulders and head.
‘Are you getting the horn yet?’ I ask her.
When she says no I tell her to put her hands down Carrie’s top and touch her breasts.
‘Go on,’ says Carrie, ‘I don’t mind.’
I go back to playing solitaire and leave them at it until I hear Clare saying to Carrie, ‘You’re so soft,’ and Carrie saying, ‘Oh, that’s nice.’ At which point I let them know I’m starting to feel sick.

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Queery II

By call | September 17, 2007

Then what I’ll do is put them hold for around a minute, so they think I’m doing something about their query.
For those approx 60 seconds that they’re on hold, I’ll probably file a nail, look at an email or have a bite of my rice cake.

And then I’ll come back on the line and say, all super confident, ‘Hello, Mrs Whatever-Name? I’ve looked into your order and it will be definitely with you next week.’

And they’ll respond with ‘Brilliant’ or ‘Oh great, I’ll look forward to it.’
And then my work done, we both hang up satisfied

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Query

By call | September 17, 2007

A woman calls up looking for her mat. From the notes on her order I see that she has already called and, in fact, spoken to me.

The notes say her mat is still in the warehouse, waiting to be sent out to her. When I tell her this she isn’t irritated, but I can tell by the way she says the word ‘right’ that she is suspicious about whether I’m telling the truth. I have developed a strategy for this type of customers. I say, ‘Hmm, just bear with me a second while I chase it up for you.’

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Pop Food

By call | September 17, 2007

At 1pm I take my lunch and go, with Gilly, to the rest area above the office where we sit on the blue sofas eating our salads.

‘I could live up here,’ I tell Gill.
After Gilly finishes her salad she says, ‘I’m going to the garage, want something?’
Near the office there’s a garage where the staff go to buy cigarettes.
‘No thanks,’ I say to Gillian, an image of an apple popping into my mind.
‘They only have pop-food there,’ I tell her as the fruit image is replaced with rows of rectangular brown wrappers in chrome baskets.

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Ring, Ring, Why Don’t You Give Me a Call…..

By call | September 17, 2007

From 9am the phone doesn’t stop ringing. It rings and rings and rings and rings a-fucking-gain.
It’s hounding me.
It’s like a pack of beggar children hanging off my leg, tugging at me even after I’ve given them thousands of pounds.
Relentless.
As the morning goes on, every time the fucking thing rings my stomach muscles, involuntarily tighten and I get pain under my ear, piercing yet dull.
I feel like I’d like to stop breathing.
There’s nothing I can do about the phone. I’m paid to sit here and pick it up.
Well, I can actually.
I can quit.

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Platter

By call | September 17, 2007

Between the store room and the director’s offices are two meeting rooms.
This morning there’s a meeting being held in one of them and during a lull in calls I stare through the window at the participants. At 12pm one of the participants gets up, goes past me into the kitchen and then goes back to the meeting room with a silver platter of sandwiches in each hand.
As I watch another meeting-goer peel the plastic wrapping from the tray, I calculate that there’ll be 20-something sandwiches for each of the three attendees.
When people are starving worldwide? Tsk, tsk!

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Prize Draw

By call | September 18, 2007

A man calls up about a wheelchair.
‘Will it fold up and fit in me boot, love?’ he says.
‘You need to call another number,’ I say.
‘No, no,’ he insists, ‘I want information, that’s all,’
We ‘re supposed to redirect people calling for the disgraceful Old Peoples charity to another number, but this gentleman persists.
So after 20 minutes of back-and-forthing about wheelchairs, and satisfied that the chair will fold up and fit in his boot, we say our goodbyes.
‘Thanks for your time, Sweetheart,’ he says, ‘I hope you win the lottery,’
‘You too,’ I say hanging up.

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What Can You See?

By call | September 18, 2007

I get to work early so, after I’ve made a cup of tea, I sit at my desk fiddling with the dried-up spot under my nose and staring down the office at the rest of the staff.
From my vantage point, at the very top of the office, with my back to the kitchen, I can see everyone; though I cant see a small man in IT who calls himself, ‘The Poison Dwarf’ or his colleague who I think might be called Giles.
Nor can I see the faces of the directors whose offices line the wall to my left.

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Alison

By call | September 18, 2007

As soon as Alison sits down she starts telling me how Chris’ credit card has been cloned.
‘Someone in Bolton bought a Sony digital camera with it and there are another 3 transactions waiting to be processed,’ she says.

‘Fuck,’ I say staring at her over the partition between our desks.
‘Can the bank reimburse him’? I ask her.
‘Apparently they’re unned hhenskn nkns,’ she says.
‘What?’ I say, not having understood the last part of the sentence.
‘Sorry,’ she says, ‘I took a codeine before work and now I can’t speak properly,’
‘Addict.’ I say and we both laugh.

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Sing Along

By call | September 19, 2007

After lunch, while I’m inputting postal orders into the system, I notice that there are songs going around in my head.
The first one is a Johnny Cash tune, which features the line, ‘…and I got 18 minutes to go…’
Another one is AC/DC’s ‘Jailbreak’, though it isn’t the whole song, simply the chorus, repeated.
‘Jailbreak, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh… Gonna make a jailbreak…’
And then a few words are missing until-
‘…all in the name of liberty, I got to be free,’
And then-
‘Jailbreak, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh…’
Ad infinitum.

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Zsolt’s Back

By call | September 19, 2007

Zsolt’s back from his holiday and when he arrives at 5.20 I shout out his name.
‘Zsolt, hey,’ I say a bit too loudly, making me realise how fond I am of him.
‘Hey,’ he says, ‘Hello,’ and waves at me from the door.
‘I have small gift for you,’ he says, holding his hand up and making that symbol for small, index finger over the top of thumb.

At 5.30 I run into him outside the disabled toilet.
‘Wait, I give you your small present.’ He says, going back into the toilet and coming out with a plastic bag.

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Bin

By call | September 19, 2007

This morning as I pull up at work I notice one of the directors out front on the grassy verge in front of the building, hosing out the kitchen area’s bin.
‘Oh, Fuck,’ I think to myself.
I go straight into the kitchen where one of the warehouse staff is making tea.
‘There was a terrible stink in here,’ she tells me.
‘I know, it was me,’ I say, ‘I put some old soup in the bin last night and forgot to empty it,’
‘I’m really sorry, Matt.’ I say, confessing as the director comes back in with the bin.

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James’ Hair

By call | September 19, 2007

Today there’s a new boy in the office, a phone-answerer like us.
There’ve been a few newcomers in the last 2 weeks.
Jo last week, another one called Tina last night and now James.
What makes James remarkable is the extraordinary colour of his hair.
It’s copper, literally, and very beautiful to look at.
It looks so gorgeous that I wonder if it’s from a packet. I won’t ask him though because I’ve noticed that ginger haired people are now starring in shows on the BBC where they highlight their ‘minority status’ and I don’t want to be considered ‘hairist’.

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Gay

By call | September 27, 2007

There are new folk in the office.
A girl with a pierced lip sits at the computer island nearest the door and next to Louise is a young man who gives me a wave as I sit.
‘My name’s Marlon,’ he says, Louise introducing him.
Later I see Gilly speaking to him.
Eavesdropping, I understand that they went to school together.
Later in the kitchen area Gilly says to me, ‘You’re not the only gay in the office, now.’
‘But is he proper gay?’ I say.
‘What d’you mean?’ She says.
‘He might be just a Bi.’ I say, laughing.

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Animals

By call | September 27, 2007

This morning there are so many new members of staff taking calls that I can sit back and survey the office.
I’m looking at the back of Gill’s head when I notice that Louise (from accounts, not call center) and 2 other women, whose names I don’t know, have plastic animals sitting along the top of their monitors.
Louise has a yellow ochre chicken, a white sheep, a terracotta coloured bee, and a dirty green coloured goat.
The girl with glasses whose name I don’t know has the same and the other girl has simply the chicken and the goat.

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Bitch-Cunt Part II

By call | September 27, 2007

‘I’ve searched the site,’ says Bitch-cunt, ‘using code, item name, can’t find it,’
I’d like to respond; ‘You’re lucky you can’t because an uptight fuck like you will have an aneurism when you see the shit quality of it.’
But I don’t get the chance.
‘I’ve been on this premium rate line long enough.’ She harps, ‘If this situation can’t be resolved, then I won’t order,’
‘I’m afraid that I can’t authorise a….’
‘Fine.’ She shrieks, hanging up.
I write down her address and decide to send her a steady stream of brochures for pelvic tightening equipment and scientology workshops.

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Bitch-Cunt Part I

By call | September 27, 2007

What I can only describe as a ‘Bitch-cunt’ calls looking to order some over-priced catalogue shit.
From her tone of voice early on, I know she’ll be trouble.
‘Can I check that the necklace is £16?’ she says after placing her order.
‘It’s actually £20,’ I say.
‘Well, my catalogue says it’s 16,’ she whinnies back.
‘Unfortunately the sale’s finished,’ I tell her after checking with Maria, ‘but you might find it on-sale on the website,’
‘I want it at the advertised price, £16 pounds,’ she petulantly carps.
‘The only way to order it at £16,’ I say, ‘is online,’

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Blind II

By call | October 1, 2007

Just after I arrive in the office, Maria comes over to my desk with Marlon.
‘Marlon’s going to sit with you today,’ Maria tells me.
‘Oh?’ I say as Sharon arrives at my desk and stands behind Maria.
‘I don’t want to leave you by yourself just yet, lovey?’ Sharon says to Marlon
‘Okay,’ says Marlon, sitting down next to me as Maria sorts out the training headphones.

Later I run into Sharon and several others in the kitchen and, laughing, I tell them about the Director’s ‘blind leading the blind’ remark.
‘No,’ she says, hand at her mouth, shocked-like.

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Porn

By call | October 1, 2007

At half 9 I see Gilly coming down the office toward me. Because of her new position, she sits at the other end of the office now, near the heating control cupboard and the photocopiers.
‘Yo Gill,’ I say. I always smile when I see Gilly; she has that effect.
‘You should be careful what you leave in the printer she says,’ giving me some a4 sheets of printed-paper.
I feel scared and say, ‘What?’
I look at one of the sheets.
The words ‘Orgasm, Cum, Moist, Cock, Breasts,’ jump out.
‘Fuck,’ I say, ‘Clare’s left a story in the print queue.’

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Blind

By call | October 1, 2007

Thursday Maria comes over to my desk, bringing two new girls with her.
‘This is Phyl and Jackie. They’re going to sit with you, can you show them how to input some orders?’
‘Sure,’ I say.
After I say hi to Phyl and Jackie they get a chair each and sit on either side of my desk, leaning forward to look at my screen.
Just as I start explaining how orders are inputted into the system, I see Matt, the Director, coming down the office.
‘Bit like the blind leading the blind isn’t it.’ He says, smiling as he passes

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The Internet

By call | October 1, 2007

Just after lunch Alex looks over at me and starts mouthing something.
I’m watching his mouth move and eyebrows go up and down but because of my earwax I can’t make out what he’s saying.
‘Come over here,’ I mouth.
Round at my desk, one hand on the partition and the other on his hip, Alex looks around the office as if he’s about to tell me a secret and doesn’t want anyone to see.
Then he leans down and whispers, ‘The internet’s back on,’
‘Really?’ I say, hands close up to my chest, clapping a couple of times, seal-like.

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Experimental

By call | October 4, 2007

I’m eating a rice cake and thinking about how I wish I had some vegemite and butter or sliced tomato on it, when I look up and notice Matt the director standing behind Jo-from-account’s desk, staring through the long rectangular window that overlooks the data capture area.
Jo is standing next to him, tapping the bottom row of her teeth with a pen, her left hand at waist height, cupping her right elbow.
As I watch them watching the data capturers, I think about how much they look like scientists on a TV show overlooking the progress of an experiment.

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Conservative

By call | October 4, 2007

Getting to work early this morning, I go over to Emma’s desk to have a quick chat.
‘Hi Emma,’ I say.
Then noticing that one of the new girls isn’t at her desk, I say, ‘where’s the new girl, has she quit already?’
‘No,’ says Emma, ’she’s on holiday for a week, her dad’s taken her to Auschwitz for her birthday,’
I look at Emma and say, ‘That’s an unusual gift for an 18 year old.
Then I notice that on the birthday girl’s desk that there’s a card from David Cameron.
‘That explains it,’ I say, ’she’s a Conservative.’

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This Blue Planet

By call | October 6, 2007

At lunchtime I go upstairs to eat my rice. Having left work early yesterday with the shits, I’m eating minimalist.
After browsing a newspaper I sit on the sofa watching David Attenborough’s Blue Planet.
At a certain point baby turtles break out of their shells and run across the sand toward the ocean.
They’re so cute that I just have to say something, anything, to somebody. Anybody.
I look around and see a guy who I’ve heard is from Brazil.
‘Aren’t they sweet,’ I say.
‘Yes.’ He says, smiling, as I wonder how a Brazilian got such blond hair.

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Sandwiches

By call | October 6, 2007

It’s ‘Jeans for Genes’ day and I’m wearing dungarees so when I go to ask Maria a question about the Jesus charity, she remarks on my clothing.
Then she says, ‘What was it that turned you off men?’
‘Their cocks and personalities,’ I say.
She laughs.
‘You should ask me what turned me on to women,’ I say.
‘What was it?’
‘Their breasts, vaginas and personalities,’ I say.
Sharon, eating a sandwich, points to her own lap, and says to Maria ‘What did she call her vagina?’
‘Morris Minor,’ and we laugh, until I remember I’ve left someone on hold.

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Sinister

By call | October 9, 2007

There’s something sinister about the Jesus Charity’s Gift Box for the Poor and War Torn Children appeal, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.
Until today.
You see, even though they ask gift-givers not to add anything ‘religious’ to the boxes, the fact that the box arrives at Christmas is religion by stealth. Why don’t they send the boxes out in July?
Moreover, the Christians are slipping bible stories into the boxes, claiming they promote hope. I wonder if any of the stories are about smiting homosexuals or stoning to death people caught working on Sundays.

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The Nice Man Part II

By call | October 9, 2007

Coincidentally, later on, the nice man phones up inquiring about his order.
‘Oh, Mr Nice-Man,’ I say when I input his order reference and see his name come up.
‘I remember you. Let’s see if I’ve got any news for you,’
Checking the notes on my system I see nothings changed, so I put him on hold and query Maria about his order.
I’m about to give him the bad news when, having checked her emails, Maria shouts out, ‘Wait, wait,’
‘Good news, Mr D,’ I say taking him off hold and relaying Maria’s message, ‘your order’s being dispatched today.

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The Nice Man Part I

By call | October 9, 2007

It’s quiet on the phones, so for something to do I check on the order status of a nice man who has been waiting an extraordinary time for a couple of sticks of furniture.

Inputting his order number into my system, I bring up his details and see that he still doesn’t have his goods.
The last conversation I’d had with him he’d told me it was his birthday coming up.
‘It’s my birthday party on the 5th,’ he’d said, ‘and I was hoping to have something for my guests to sit on.’
Fat fucking chance, I’d thought to myself.

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I’ll Miss Alex

By call | October 9, 2007

Because I’ve moved I now sit with my back to Alex, so we have to swivel to talk to each other.
‘Nice night last night, Brucey?’ says Alex, swivelling.
Alex calls me Brucey and I call him Sheila.
‘Yeh, it was fine,’ I tell him, one eye on him and the other on a website.
Then, because Alex is more interesting than anything I could find online, I spin right round and give him my full attention.
‘Did you have a nice ….sleep?’ he says.
‘I’m going to miss you, Alex.’ I say, a tear coming up toward my eye.

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The Woman Who Says Fuck

By call | October 11, 2007

A woman calls up to order a Mat.
‘Did I just speak to you?’ she says.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say.
‘I just ordered a mat,’ she says, ‘I want to add another one,’
‘I’m afraid I can’t add to the order,’ I tell her, ‘I’d have to cancel your first order and make another one,’
‘I don’t want to cancel my order,’ She yells back at me, I want to add another mat,’
‘I’m afraid, madam,’ I say softly, amused by her rage, ‘my system won’t allow me to add another one,’
‘Fuck,’ she shouts, and I giggle quietly.

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Adina the Showgirl

By call | October 11, 2007

Around lunchtime Adina passes my desk on her way to the kitchen.
‘When’s your party? ‘She says.
Since I’ve moved desks, Adina’s in my line of vision, and even though she works further up the office, we’ve begun saying hi in the morning.
‘I’m making sushi,’ I call to her as she stands by the drink dispenser ‘do you like it?’
‘Nah,’ she says, ‘I ate it when I lived in Japan,’
‘You lived in Japan?’ I say.
‘Yes, I was a dancer.’ She says.
‘Really? Dark horse’ I say.
‘A showgirl, I was,’ she says laughing, ‘Tits and feathers.’

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Mexican Mat

By call | October 15, 2007

A lady calls up looking to order a Mat. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in my last week, the ‘home-stretch’, or that I’m wooed by her accent, but I find myself being more accommodating than usual.
‘I rather like this Mexican style one,’ she says, her vowels elongating, ‘but I fear it may be too long,’
Usually at this point I’d be head in hands, sighing, tsk-ing. However, this morning I throw helpful suggestions at her. ‘Perhaps get the longest one,’ I say, ‘cut it in half. That way you’d get two for one and a precise fit.’

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Emetophobia

By call | October 15, 2007

Just as I’m arriving at the office I run into Caroline.
‘Alright, my friend?’ I say.
‘Not really, I feel sick, actually,’ she tells me, ‘and I don’t know what it’s like to be sick.’
While I’m wondering what she means by this, she elaborates, ‘I’ve never been sick in my life, I’ve never vomited,’
‘Emetophobia?’ I say, ‘Fear of vomiting?’
‘Hmm,’ she says, ‘and it was a shit weekend. My brother found one if his friends dead’
‘Fuck,’ I say, looking at Caroline, waiting for an explanation.
‘He was only 22. Found him dead in his car.’ She says.

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Screaming Wanker

By call | October 16, 2007

A man I can only describe as a screaming wanker calls up for the Jesus Charity.
‘Hello,’ he shouts in a sort of an unintentional parody of a bawdy sailor’s voice, ‘I’d like to order some of your leaflets,’
‘Okay,’ I say.
‘I’d like to order some of your leaflets,’ he shouts again as if I’d said ‘Speak up, I’m hard of hearing,’
‘Did you participate last year?’ I say, sighing and leaning back in my chair, my mind on the container of rice, sweet corn and chilli sauce I’ll be having for lunch but one ear on his long-winded, shouted response.

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Emma’s Little Chocolate Bites

By call | October 16, 2007

By 2.13 I’m bored, hungry and fixated on a tub of Tesco chocolate bites on Emma’s desk.
‘Emma,’ I call out, ‘Emma,’
I can see Emma is chewing and has a bag of crisps on her desk so I imagine the noise of the crisps crunching in her mouth is blocking my call.
Finally, I get up and stand in front of Emma’s desk.
‘Any chocolates in that tub?’
‘Yes,’ Emma says, ‘want one?’
Lifting the tub, I see a Bananrama cd lying there.
‘Ooh, Bananrama,’ I say.
‘Like them? Take it,’ Emma says, ‘It can be your going-away present.’

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Carrie Acting Extreme

By call | October 16, 2007

It’s half past 7, an hour exactly to go, and we start talking about the new workers.
‘I haven’t met any of the new ones,’ says Carrie.
‘I like Jo, she’s really sweet,’ I say.
‘Is she the one who sits over there?’ says Carrie, pointing to the desk where Jo sits.
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘Is she the really pretty one?’ says Phyl.
‘I hate her then,’ says Carrie and we all laugh.
Then we’re quite for a minute.
Then I say, ‘Anyone want a banana?’
‘I don’t like bananas,’ says Alison.
‘I detest them,’ says Carrie, ever the extreme.

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What Type of Bird?

By call | October 17, 2007

A woman calls up for the Jesus charity. Her voice is fast and high and, because I’m bored, I start to imagine if she were an animal, what kind of animal she would be.Initially I picture her as a hen, but as the call goes on, her nervousness becomes more apparent, so I imagine her as something more bird like, something beyond a fowl. She’s not a Robin, as it’s a pretty bird and seems to have self-confidence, and though this woman may or may not be pretty, her voice betrays timidity, ruling out the Budgerigar, Cockatoo and Vulture.

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Uppity Cunts

By call | October 19, 2007

After lunch I get a succession of uppity cunts calling to order mats.
Two of them in particular get uptight and impatient when I ask them to repeat the spelling of their hyphenated surnames.
‘Could you spell your surname just one more time?’ I ask Mr Upyour-Ownarse, just to wind him up, smiling to myself as the supercilious, double barreled cunt shouts it out at me again, letter by letter.
I suppose his attitude might be directly linked to the fact that he can afford to spend several hundred pounds or more on something on which to wipe his feet.

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It’s Not MY Website

By call | October 19, 2007

A woman calls up.
‘I’m on your website,’ she whines, ‘trying to place and order but I’m getting a blank screen,’
‘Let me just have a look,’ I say, putting her on hold thinking it’s not MY website.
After doing a test order I get her back on the line and tell her that things are working from my end.
‘It’s working my end,’ I say, ‘perhaps you have a slow connection,’
‘Well, I don’t believe that,’ she shouts, ‘everything else works fine,’
Then we sit in silence until finally I say, ‘Anything else?’
‘No,’ she says, and hangs up.

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Facemasks And Food

By call | October 19, 2007

While I’m sat at my desk putting mouth-to-mouth resuscitation facemasks into tiny red key ring sacks, I overhear Sharon’s conversation with Jo (from sales) about food.
Sharon is trying to decide where to go for dinner with her husband this evening and has swivelled her chair all the way round to face Jo, who is offering advice.
‘I don’t like the colour of it,’ she says through pursed lips, responding to Jo’s suggestion of Indian, ‘the smell of it. Disgusting,’
Sharon dislikes a lot of foodstuffs.
She dislikes Curry, Tofu, anchovies and Quorn.
She does however like Pizza, Vodka, and Smoking.

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Rocking Horse

By call | October 19, 2007

A woman calls up to order shit from the OverpricedShit Christmas catalogue.
‘I’d like to order the rocking horse for my niece,’ she says.
Inputting the code I see they aren’t in stock.
‘They won’t be in stock until the 11th of November,’ I tell her.
‘Oh no,’ she cries out, as if I’ve just told her she has vagina cancer.
‘Don’t you think it’s leaving it a bit late? I’ll be so disappointed if it isn’t here for Christmas,’ she shrieks.
I’m astonished at her petulance and start wondering whether the horse is for her or the fucking kid.

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The Nice Man Part III

By call | October 19, 2007

Tuesday night and I’m surprised when I take a call from Mr Nice Man.
‘Hello,’ he says, in his lovely, deep, gorgeous Scottish accent.
‘Ooh, Mr Nice Man,’ I say, ‘I recognise your voice,’
‘Aye,’ he says, ‘I’ve called so many times,’
‘I’m surprised to hear from you again, I say, ‘Have you still not received your furniture,’
‘Aye,’ he says again, ‘that’s right,’
I’m genuinely shocked and I tell him so.
‘I’m genuinely shocked, Mr Nice Man. I can’t believe you still haven’t got your goods,’ I say, wondering what his poor guests sat on at his birthday party.

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Going-Away

By call | October 22, 2007

At 5.13 I’m at my desk spraying Pledge onto a yellow cleaning cloth Zsolt keeps in the cupboard in the disabled toilet when Caroline comes over with an envelope.
‘Whats this?’ I say.
‘Going-away present,’ she says, ‘from the office,’
I’m surpised. I wasn’t expecting anything.
‘I wasn’t expecting anything,’ I say.
We didn’t know what to get you,’ she says.
I open the envelope and find two £10 book tokens and the card they’ve all signed.
‘2 x £10? Those cheap cunts only put in about 25p each.’ I say.
And we laugh until I say I might cry.

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Recent Diary Entries

• Going-Away
• The Nice Man Part III
• Rocking Horse
• Facemasks And Food
• It’s Not MY Website
• Uppity Cunts
• What Type of Bird?
• Carrie Acting Extreme
• Emma’s Little Chocolate Bites
• Screaming Wanker

Entries from Months Ago

• October 2007
• September 2007
• August 2007
• July 2007
• June 2007
• May 2007
• April 2007
• March 2007
• February 2007
• January 2007
• December 2006
• November 2006
• October 2006

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