Office
The Birds
Saturday, October 7th, 2006Every night as I get near to the building I work in, by bicycle, I can hear birds singing in the dark.
It’s black so the birds should be asleep. But I don’t think they can sleep because light from the night tennis courts, on the corner of the street where I turn into the industrial [...]
The Guy Who Cleans the Office
Monday, October 9th, 2006After I asked him what the national dish of Hungary was, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office where I work showed me a picture of his dog.
Then he took a transparent plastic envelope full of photos out from the inside pocket of his motorcycle jacket and showed me a picture of his mother in [...]
No Sunlight
Monday, October 9th, 2006At 24 past 7 I say to Alison, “Al, its not even half past 7″
‘I know. Awful.’ She says.
‘I might look for another job.’ I tell her. ‘But where else pays 7 pounds an hour for doing nothing?’
I look past Alison toward the back of the office where the more important members of staff sit.
There [...]
Internet Pt I
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006When I get to work Emma’s sitting at the computer I usually sit at.
She’s a day person but works Wednesday night, which is why she’s still at her desk.
I sit down next to her at the desk Alison usually sits at.
I have a sensation of slight disappointment. There are two computers out of all the [...]
Internet Pt II
Thursday, October 12th, 2006When I get to work I find out that internet access in the contact center has been cut off because of me.
“Tina overheard you telling Maria about the computers that had internet. Maria told Sharon and Sharon had them cut off.” says Claire.
“Tina phoned and told me.”
Alison is sitting next to me looking at me.
“Fuck, [...]
Talking About Some Girl
Sunday, October 15th, 2006It was after half 5 because Claire and Carrie were already there and they start at 6, though sometimes they get there late or early so I wouldn’t have set my clock by their arrival.
We were in the office talking about one of the girls who worked there who was having problems with a guy [...]
Carrie is Allergic to the Cakes I Made
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006The first thing I do when Carrie and Claire arrive is to tell them I made the cakes.
I tell Carrie to take one and watch her putting it into her mouth as she walks toward the vending machine.
“The icing’s made of Philadelphia cheese and icing sugar.” I call out.
She stops and turns back toward me.
“Are [...]
Maria’s Concern For Us
Saturday, October 21st, 2006When I get to work at 5.30 Maria calls out to me,
“I’ll be here until 7 if you’ve got any questions.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I thought you might feel abandoned, you night crew.”
“Oh that’s nice.” I say to her.
Then Sharon calls out, “I owe you an apology,” she says,
“I said I’d get you in for training.”
“Don’t [...]
Emma Reveals Some Things About Her Youth
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006During a lull in phone calls Emma turns to me and says, “I met someone famous once. My face was on newspapers all over the world,” she says and then laughs. “Who was it?” I ask her. “Raisa Gorbachev.” She says. Apparently Emma was really into making lace at that age so her school chose [...]
The Kitchen Area
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006While I’m turning to empty my cup into the bin in the kitchen area where I’ve gone to make another cup of tea, my eye falls on the water-dispenser.
I’ve never paid it any attention before, but tonight I see that it’s grey and made of a plastic that is intended to look like shining metal. [...]
Logging On
Sunday, November 5th, 2006I put my bag on the floor, bend and press the “ON” button on the hard-drive, say “Hi” to Louise who is sitting at the desk to the left of the one I’m going to sit at, and then go into the kitchen area to boil the kettle.
While it boils I go back to my [...]
Arachnophobia
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006“My friend brought his new spider round to ours last night,” Carrie tells Claire and me tonight at work.
So we spend the next hour talking about spiders.
Carrie says she the spider, a tarantula, had its picture taken sitting on her face.
Clare and I are staring at her with our mouths open. “Do you know that [...]
Talking About Marriage
Friday, November 10th, 2006“I’m getting a teeth whitening kit before I get married.” Carrie says as I’m walking toward the kitchen area with the mugs in my hand to get more drinks.
I start laughing and call out, “I love you Carrie.”
When I get back with her and Carrie are comparing how much items worn in their wedding cost.
“My [...]
Out for Dinner Pt III
Friday, November 17th, 2006I wait until everyone leaves before telling Clare and Carrie just how shit the food had been at the Chinese restaurant where we’d gone for the birthday dinner.
“We go there for take way,” says Carrie, “and it’s usually really nice.”
“I don’t mind paying 18 quid for a meal,” I say, “when it’s worth it, but [...]
Email Scam
Friday, December 1st, 2006When I get to work Jenny gives me a printed email someone has circulated about a kid in South Africa with a brain tumour. Its parents are appealing for cash to have the tumour removed.
I don’t want to sound like a cunt but I say to Jenny, “Jenny, have you checked that this is valid?” [...]
RSVP
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006Friday night nothing happened. We sat there the three of us doing nothing.
Then we talked about weddings.
Then I laid on the floor with my feet up on the wall to let the blood drain.
Clare stayed on the internet because she discovered she had it again.
Carrie read a magazine and gave us her wedding invitations.
She said [...]
Alex
Sunday, December 17th, 2006When I get to work Maria comes over and says, ‘Ask Alex how to do catalogues before he leaves.’ ‘Why?’ I say, ‘don’t you know how to do them?’ She laughs.
I look over at Alex who is sitting at one of the computer islands putting catalogues and address slips into envelopes for mailing out to [...]
Daily Mail
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007Tonight is the first time since just after christmas that I start thinking it might be time to move on, workwise.
There’s only me and Alison in tonight and I spend the evening with my feet up on my desk reading Friday’s copy of the Daily Mail.
On the front page is a story about a policeman’s [...]
The Buying Office
Friday, January 19th, 2007Someone calls up looking for the buying office. Alison puts the caller on hold and asks us if we know where it is.
‘Tell her it closed down.’ I say.
‘Tell her it burned down.’ Says Clare and we start laughing.
Then for something to do I get one of the magazines that advertises products we sell and [...]
*
Friday, January 19th, 2007Carrie says
‘Clare will be late’
Where’s Clare
Carrie’s moving her mouth, telling me
No sound coming out
Sharon is standing behind her
Sharon is then moving fast around the office
There’s been drama today
The client didn’t get something the client needs
Sharon now stands in the middle of the office floor
Hands on hips.
Where’s Clare?
I say to Carrie, soundless
At home she says back [...]
The Email About the Snakes
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007The first thing I do when I get to work is ask Emma if she got Carrie’s email about the snakes.
‘Yeh,’ she says, ‘but I don’t think him indoors would want an albino python.’
Then, because were talking about snakes and they go together, we start talking about spiders.
‘You shouldn’t be scared of spiders,’ says Gillian [...]
Telling Steph From HR Something
Friday, February 23rd, 2007Steph was standing at the door getting ready to go home when I thanked her for organising permission to film in the office.
Then, because I had taken 2 Syndol for period pain and it had loosened my restraints, I told her I was getting married.
Next I went in to some detail about how unhappy Cathy’s [...]
Nothing To Do
Friday, February 23rd, 2007Tonight at work there’s nothing to do.
I take 4 calls.
Carrie same.
Alison even less.
We can’t work if no one calls.
‘Do you think we’ll get laid off?’ I say.
Carrie says she’s skint.
‘And me.’ says Alison.
I say nothing but I am too but can’t summon the energy to say it.
Alison gets up to get some water.
She asks us [...]
Internet IIII
Thursday, March 1st, 2007Because Clare had the internet again we could look at the films I make for my course so I showed Clare and Carrie.
They laughed seeing themselves. Like someone might giggle when the see themselves on tv.
I wondered what it was about seeing your own face in something that wasn’t a mirror.
Was it the fact that [...]
Alex’s Crash
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007Tonight at work Alex started telling me about his wife but ended up explaining to me that he thinks the reason he doesn’t have any ambition is because of his motorbike accident.
“Were you in a coma?” I ask him.
“Yes. Three weeks,’ he says.
‘Jesus, did you have to learn to do everything again?’ I say.
‘I was [...]
Cutlery etc
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007Today, after we got the quote for the cutlery and crockery hire for our wedding, I went online and bought 200 self-composting environmentally friendly paper bowls and plates for £39.95.
Then Cathy went to PoundStretchers in the car and came home with 60 knives, forks and spoons. “Guess how much?” she said as she put [...]
8 Good Reasons
Saturday, March 10th, 2007Tonight at work there’s nothing to do so I start thinking about a framed page that hangs on the wall of my office.
It’s a picture of my high school basketball team that my best friend had torn out of the yearbook and mailed to me.
In it, the boys stand in line as if they’re waiting [...]
Clare and Drinking
Friday, March 23rd, 2007Clare says she has been drinking everyday. Citrus twist is the name of the drink.
A type of beer, it turns out made with citrus hops. It gets her ‘trolleyed’ apparently.
She sits in her garden and drinks it while she bosses her husband around.
He’s doing something in their loft with Clare’s father.
Being alcoholic, I choose not [...]
Table
Sunday, March 25th, 2007Tonight at work this guy calls us and says he’s furious because a table he ordered for his daughter has just arrived and is smashed to bits. Apparently he had waited in all day for delivery. He wanted compensation. He actually said he was so furious that he could rip someone’s head of and spit [...]
Hi Ho Hi Ho
Friday, March 30th, 2007On Thursday Clare, Alison and I spend the first part of the evening putting catalogues and discount inserts into envelopes ready for mailing.
Clare sits on one side, Alison in the middle and me to the right. I insert the discount flyer into the catalogue and then pass it over to Alison who inserts another flyer [...]
Friday Night
Saturday, March 31st, 2007It’s Friday night at work.
There’s a festive spirit.
The day staff are going out for drinks.
“See you at mine at 7.’ says Sharon leaving.
James, the director, standing in the doorway ready to go home, jokily tells me my scarf looks like tinsel and laughs.
Louise is in the bathroom putting on makeup
Carrie says, “Watch this.” and does [...]
Internet V
Tuesday, April 10th, 2007Caroline is telling me the real story about how the internet got cut off. ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she says, ‘It was Andy checking the computers.’ ‘No,’ I tell her, ‘Didn’t you hear about Maria asking me if I got all the work sites and me saying I get not only those but ALL sites.’ [...]
Where’s Gilly?
Sunday, April 15th, 2007I arrive at work slightly late and as I’m putting my bag down next to Gilly’s desk, Sharon says, ‘I need to speak to you lovey.’ and I get worried thinking it’s about being late. ‘Oh, okay,’ I say ‘I’ve got chores for all of you to do tonight,’ she says laughing. ‘Okay’ I say, [...]
Nuts
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007Tonight at work, after I had my three-month review with Sharon I was hungry so I went to the vending machine with enough money for 2 packets of peanuts for me and 1 for Carrie.
But what happened was I accidentally ended up with 2 nuts and 1 packet of Spearmint Imperials because the code for [...]
Alison Feels Like Crying
Thursday, April 19th, 2007Tonight’s the slowest night in work memory. ‘Its only 6.15,’ I say to Alison.
She doesn’t respond.
A little bit later I hear her say, ‘ I feel like crying tonight.’
I can’t see her face when she says it because the tall steel pillar that supports the computer island is in the way.
Why do you feel like [...]
Emma’s Khaki Bag
Tuesday, April 24th, 2007Tonight when I get to work there isn’t a spare place at the computer island I usually sit at. Emma’s chair is empty but her computer is still on and I can see her khaki bag still on the floor.
I stand at the door for a while feeling stupid and uncomfortable. There not being a [...]
Cake II
Wednesday, April 25th, 2007Tonight, just after I log on, I look up and see Susannah Mabon coming up the office with a tray of what looks like leftovers.
As she gets closer I can see that they are cakes.
Suddenly I can’t wait to get my hands on them.
‘Try this carrot cake’ she says as she puts the tray down [...]
Better Late Than Never
Thursday, April 26th, 2007I didn’t go straight into the kitchen to boil the kettle as soon as I get to work tonight because I’d arrived late and thought I’d turn the computer on first and wait for a break in calls and then go and make my tea.
I’d been sitting at the desk for a few moments before [...]
Stuffing Catalogues Into Envelopes
Thursday, April 26th, 2007Tonight while I’m piling up the envelopes that I’ve been stuffing with catalogues I find an RSPCA pamphlet.
On the front is a picture of a kitten lying down in a cage.
On the back is a picture of the same kitten, but this time it’s in a plastic bag.
There’s a detailed explanation about the state that [...]
Stuart and the Mirror
Thursday, April 26th, 2007‘I bought this mirror last week and Stuart was putting the fixings on,’
says Clare, ‘and he dropped it.’
‘No,’ I say as I turn to look at her.
‘Yep,’ she says, ‘7 years bad luck I said to him. He said, whatever, I don’t believe in it anyway.’
‘Me either,’ I say
Then she tells me, ‘Yesterday he was [...]
Alison Likes Chips
Friday, April 27th, 2007Tonight at work the phones run hot but it doesn’t stop us from talking about what our favourite foods are.
‘Soup’ says Gilly when I ask what hers is.
‘What’s yours?’ Gilly says to Alison when Alison gets off the phone.
‘I like a lot of things but they don’t like me.’ Says Alison.
Alison has IBS and should [...]
Cirencester
Saturday, April 28th, 2007When I walk past the tray of carrot cake that’s been left on the desk next to Sharon’s, I call out to Alison to have some but she’s busy talking to Carrie about camping.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask Carrie as I pass her on the way back from dropping the orders on Sharon’s desk.
‘Somewhere [...]
Cake III
Tuesday, May 1st, 2007Tonight, as I enter the office, Sharon shouts out, ‘There’s cake over here. Caroline says its ginger, I reckon its carrot. ‘
‘Let me be the judge of that,’ I say, ‘Bring it on.’
Caroline brings me over a piece of carrot cake and puts it down in front of me on the desk just as Maria [...]
Call Monitoring
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007Just as I sit down Sharon walks behind my chair on her way to having a fag and says, ‘I’ll be with you in a minute lovey.’
I’d completely forgotten that tonight was my night for call monitoring.
‘Oh no, ‘I scream out.
‘Its not that bad’ says Caroline, ‘come on, you should have heard mine in the [...]
A Platter With Crisps
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007About ten minutes after I had gone up to Steph’s desk to give her the green tea that I’d promised to bring in for her she told us there was a platter of fruit and crisps we should help ourselves to.
I was thinking yum when Sharon walked up toward us with the platter in [...]
The Meeting Room
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007Tonight as soon as Clare arrives Sharon whisks her into the meeting room for her three monthly performance check up. It’s the same meeting room where all those months ago I had the interview with Sharon to get this job
Phone- wise it’s quiet tonight so I turn my chair slightly and watch them through the [...]
Joe
Friday, May 4th, 2007Joe is going to Australia and has sent an email around saying he’s left some celebratory chocolates on the desk behind his.
Last night he told me about his trip.
‘I’m going alone,’ he told me, ‘and I’m a bit scared,’
‘I can give you some numbers if you’re worried,’ I’d said to him.
I tell him again tonight, [...]
Clare
Friday, May 4th, 2007Tonight when Clare gets to work I can see by her face she’s not happy.
She only has time to tell me briefly what’s wrong before Sharon gets her over for call monitoring.
‘You ready luvvy?’ Sharon calls out to her.
Clare says yes and while she’s putting her keys on her desk I ask her if she’s [...]
Drunk, Deficient or Just an Arsehole
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007Tonight as she’s leaving Louise asks me to do her callbacks.
‘Can you finish these?’ she says.
‘Sure,’ I say taking the sheets of A4 with the customers phone numbers and order details.
After the day staff leaves I begin to make the calls. The first one goes smoothly with the customer cancelling the order because the hold [...]
Sale
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007Tonight a woman calls up and says ‘Hello there, I’ve been on your website trying to order a bed that I saw in your catalogue but it’s not showing up on the website so I, um, wondered what was going on,’ and then laughs.
‘Oh, I think that sale is over now,’ I tell her, ‘I [...]
Post Number 57
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007‘Where’s Sharon, Cazza?’ I say to Caroline as soon as I arrive at work.
I’ve booked my ticket to go away and I want to inform Sharon by email the last date I’ll be working.
‘She’s gone’ says Louise.
‘No she isn’t,’ says Cazza, ‘She’s just nipped out, she’ll be back.’
‘I booked my ticket today,’ I tell Caroline [...]
The Vibe
Thursday, May 10th, 2007Tonight Alison is in a startlingly good mood. She’s telling us that last night when her husband went out in the car she made auto-love and then pretended she was asleep when he got back.
‘I vibed myself,’ she says, ‘while he went down the shops.’
Me and Clare start laughing.
‘You didn’t wait for him to get [...]
Breakfast
Friday, May 11th, 2007After Alison tells Clare and me about how she masturbated instead of having sex with her husband, Clare’s tells me an Alison about her vibrator. ‘It has a tongue,’ she says, ‘you know, like a rabbit but with a tongue instead of the ears.’
Then she says to Al, ‘You just have a normal one, don’t [...]
Phone
Friday, May 11th, 2007Tonight the phones are virtually silent.
They’re so quiet we all comment on it.
‘Do you think they’ve been turned off?’ I say.
‘Nah, it’s just quiet,’ says Clare.
‘Maybe we should phone ourselves.’ Says Alison.
‘Auto phone,’ I say to her, ‘bit like your auto loving last night.’
She laughs. ‘Shall I call from my mobile or work phone,’ she [...]
Hen
Sunday, May 13th, 2007Tonight at work Carrie starts talking about her hens night.
‘We were playing tennis on the beach, topless and this foreign looking guy in Speedos came over took the bat off my sister and started playing with me and then went and laid down and grew a tent his pants.’
Then the phone rings and she takes [...]
Sharon
Sunday, May 13th, 2007The first thing Sharon says to me when I arrive at work is, ‘Oi you.’
I look over at her and say, ‘what’ve I done wrong?’
She says, ‘Your bloody bicycle,’ I’d had to leave my bicycle overnight in reception. The rain had been too bad to cycle home and Cathy had picked me up.
‘God, sorry Sharon.’ [...]
Foul Mood
Tuesday, May 15th, 2007Just after I have finished asking Sharon and Alison if Carrie is in tonight, Carrie comes through the door in a visibly foul mood.
‘How’s things Cazza?’ I say as she throws her mobile down on the desk and leans down to turn her computer on.
She shakes her head and makes some kind of noise, like [...]
Zsolt
Tuesday, May 15th, 2007Tonight as I pull up to work, Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, is wheeling his motorcycle along the road to work.
‘No petrol?’ I say as I get off my bicycle.
‘The weather,’ he says, ‘typical English weather.’
As he’s putting his motorcycle up on his stand he makes a comments on my hair.
‘Nice,’ he [...]
My Chris
Thursday, May 17th, 2007‘I don’t know what’s happened to my Chris,’ says Alison, talking about her husband. ‘He wants me to go out to work but gets pissed off if the house work isn’t done. He made me cry last week and tonight when I left for work the girls were crying,’ she says. ‘They can sense what [...]
Sharon II
Thursday, May 17th, 2007I lean down and turn my computer on and when I look up there’s Sharon standing in front, of me leaning on the back of a chair staring at me.
‘What have I done?’ I say.
‘Nothing,’ she says and laughs.
‘It’s you and Clare and Alison tonight and there’s some orders on the shelf. Ask Clare if [...]
Coming Out
Friday, May 18th, 2007Tonight Alison is being cheeky and I remark on it. ‘It’s not being cheeky,’ she says, ‘I’m just coming out of my shell,’ she says, as she walks toward the kitchen to boil the kettle. ‘She should go back in it,’ I say to Clare as Alison goes around the corner out of range. ‘What’s [...]
The Bosses
Saturday, May 19th, 2007Tonight one of the bosses is here from Holland and all the bosses are in the meeting room having a meeting.
We look at them through the windows and wonder what they’re talking about.
When they come out, the men bosses and the Dutch guy go into the kitchen area.
A few minutes later we hear them laughing [...]
Alarmed
Sunday, May 20th, 2007Today’s Sunday and, abnormally, I’m at work. ‘Do I need a code for the alarm,’ I yell to Louise as I pull up on my bicycle at the front door of the building. ‘Fucked if I know,’ she says. While I’m chaining my bicycle to the fence she says, ‘D’ya have Sharon’s [...]
Charade
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007Tonight at work there’s fuck all to do so Alison and I play charades.
Carrie’s on the phone so she can’t join in and by the time she gets off Alison has already guessed my film, Gone With the Wind, and we’ve started playing catch with the stress ball Al’s found on her desk.
A minute and [...]
Date Slice
Thursday, May 24th, 2007I don’t see Alison come in because I’m making tea in the kitchen area when she arrives but when I notice she’s there she offers me cake.
‘Where’s this from,’ I ask her, ‘Did you make it?’
‘Yeh,’ she says, then, ‘No actually, it’s from my mum’s shop. It’s date,’
I unwrap it and offer Caroline some. ‘Nah,’ [...]
Gillians Back
Thursday, May 24th, 2007Tonight there’s a festive spirit in the call center, brought on, no doubt, by the fair weather outside and Gillian being back at her desk.
‘How was your trip Gil,’ I say, high 5-ing her.
‘It was great,’ she says, swinging on her chair and smiling.
‘I must say you’ve beefed up a bit,’ I tell her which [...]
News Part II
Saturday, May 26th, 2007Clare and Carrie arrive and when Emma comes back from having a cigarette she tells us one of the bosses has quit.
‘He walked out,’ she says.
‘Really,’ says Carrie, ‘Shame, I enjoyed looking at him.’
‘Did you see who drove off in his car?’ says Lou.
‘Is it a company car?’ says Clare.
It’s not as if I really [...]
News Part I
Saturday, May 26th, 2007At work today I hear 2 pieces of news, of a personal type, affecting 2 people who work in the call center.
The first piece is that Louise has split from her boyfriend.
‘I split up with Gi,’ she says to me when the rest of the day staff have left and there’s only her, me and [...]
Horn
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007Tonight Clare is horny so her and Alison spend a lot of time talking about sex but are eventually distracted by the new copy of the magazine that’s just come in.
Then, next thing I know, I look over and they’re down on the carpet, Alison on her side with one leg hoisted ceiling-wards, demonstrating the [...]
Mrs Bard
Thursday, May 31st, 2007Tonight when I get in I call Mrs Bard.
‘Hello Mrs Bard, it’s Blah from Blah Blah,’ I say when she answers, ‘I’ve got some information on that phone for you’
She recognises me and says ‘Hello dear,’
‘The phone is just like a mobile,’ I tell her, ’so the charges are quite steep.’
I’d like to say, ‘You’ll [...]
Office Gossip
Thursday, May 31st, 2007After most of the day staff leave I go over and confer with Caroline about what our outfits will be wearing for Carrie’s wedding, which is finally rolling around this Saturday afternoon.
‘I don’t think it matters what we wear,’ I say, ‘`The posh bit will be over by the time we get there,’
‘There will still [...]
Carrie is Getting Married
Friday, June 1st, 2007Tonight is the slowest night in living memory so we sit around talking about what we’re going to wear Carrie’s wedding, which has finally rolled around.
‘Do you think they’ll have food when we get there, a buffet?’ says Alison.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, but the others disagree.
‘Surely they will have some nibbles,’ Alison says.
‘Not [...]
Down Under
Friday, June 1st, 2007I don’t have to be at work until 6 tonight because I’ve swapped a shift so when I arrive most of the usual suspects have gone.
However, two of my favourites, Gilly and Caroline, are still here and I give Gilly a little flick on the ear lobe as I pass on the way to my [...]
Saturday
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007It’s Saturday today and, unusually, I’m at work. Clare has called asking me to cover the lunch hour because Tina’s called in sick.
‘Mate,’ she says when I answer the phone, ‘you couldn’t come in for a couple of hours over lunch could you so Jenny can go to the bank and I can get some [...]
Monday Night
Monday, June 4th, 2007Tonight is Monday and, unusually, I am at work.
Tonight I’m working with Alex, one of my favourites.
The first night I became truly aware of Alex it was because of his burping but now, both of us being step parents, we have much more in common.
Tonight Dave quizzes on being what its like to have step-children.
‘What [...]
Moan Moan Moan
Tuesday, June 5th, 2007The first call I get tonight at work is from a man who has not only received the wrong order but to add insult to injury the replacement was sent to the wrong address.
‘If you look at my order,’ he WHINES, ‘You’ll notice it’s been a series of disasters.’
I listen on, giving the receiver the [...]
Stranger
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007Tonight coming into work I feel like stranger. I haven’t been in for 8 days. As I pass through the door I feel like things are going in slow motion, like it’s a scene from a Tarantino film where I walk to the teller to make a bank raid or something.
I’m sat down at my [...]
Weekends
Wednesday, June 13th, 2007Tonight I find out that Sharon has given me the extra weekend shift that had suddenly become available, which means I will be working with Clare every Saturday until October when I quit for good.
‘Oh, by the way, I got the Saturday shift,’ I say to Clare a few minutes after she arrives.
‘Oh, she gave [...]
Wags
Friday, June 15th, 2007Tonight the newly married Carrie comes in looking like something from a ‘Wags Night Out’ documentary. She has a pair of those large round sunglasses on, the ones that look like fly eyes, and her false breasts look extraordinarily large.
‘I been down to Blenheim today, mixing with the celebs,’ she says.
‘Which ones?’ I ask her [...]
Irritant
Sunday, June 17th, 2007When I get to work my head hurts and my eyes are so itchy I’d like to rip them out and sandpaper the holes.
Instead I go into the kitchen, boil the kettle and then stand there dabbing at the corner of my eyes with kitchen towel.
Next, I drink a big glass of water and then [...]
Snack
Sunday, June 17th, 2007Today is the EnviroInitiative meeting and I’m on the EnviroInitiative team so I come in to work even though I’m not rostered on.
There are some unfamiliar people in the meeting room so I make a green tea and then walk over to Jenny’s desk.
‘Who’re those people in the meeting room?’ I ask her, just as [...]
Fired 1
Tuesday, June 19th, 2007I’ve gotten Jenny’s number off Emma and call her up to see how she’s feeling after being fired, or not fired, depending on how you look at it.
‘It’s not unexpected and really it will make me get off my arse and look for something else,’
I’m glad she’s taking it like this. ‘Probably better then, Jenny,’ [...]
Fired
Thursday, June 21st, 2007Tonight at work Emma and Clare spend the first hour gossiping about something that I can’t hear. Eventually I go over and ask what they’re talking about because I’ve gathered from some of the words have drifted over, that Jenny has been fired.
‘Not fired,’ Emma says when I ask her to elaborate, ‘her contract wasn’t [...]
Film
Thursday, June 21st, 2007After I get off the phone to Caroline I go over to her desk and have a look in the top draw for the film, which she says is there.
It’s not there.
I knew it wouldn’t be.
I have a feeling I lent it to someone in the call center and can’t remember whom though I think [...]
Film 1
Thursday, June 21st, 2007After she tells me that I didn’t lend the film to her, but that I did lend her the Rough Guide to Global Warming, I ask Emma if she has any idea.
‘You didn’t lend it to me,’ she says.
I go back to my desk and sit wondering about the people outside of work who could [...]
Keys
Friday, June 22nd, 2007When I arrive at work I sit down next to Gilly and start talking to her
about whether she’s moving to Australia or not. I’m encouraging her wildly.
Then Michael from IT comes over and starts talking about the Enviro Team so
I get waylaid by what he’s trying to tell me. By the time he finishes almost
everyone [...]
Pregnant
Friday, June 22nd, 2007Tonight Carrie starts talking about how her feet are swollen. Later she comes back from the toilet and says, ‘No period,’
Later, when the phones are quiet, I say, Cazza, is it nice being pregnant?’
‘No,’ she says.
‘What would you do if you were again?’ I say.
‘I’d deal with it, though I’d prefer someone handed me one [...]
Password
Tuesday, June 26th, 2007I’d been away from work for 4 days and I can’t lie and say I was thrilled to go back. But then again when I walked in and saw Caroline and Gilly I can’t say I wasn’t happy.
I sat down at my desk and as I turned my computer on I called out to Gilly, [...]
Film III
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007Today was the day of the film night at work. We were showing Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth. Even though I’d sent out 2 emails advertising the event, I knew that not many people would show up, but I really didn’t think there would be only the 2 of us. In the end, after waiting for [...]
Gossip
Thursday, June 28th, 2007Last night, after almost everyone else had left the office except for me, Caroline and Clare, Caroline tells us some really quite extraordinarily satisfying gossip about someone who used to work in the office who has now left, but who is still a ‘presence’ due to her friendship with some of the people still employed [...]
Balloon
Friday, June 29th, 2007Tonight, after we get bored counting out 25 balloons and bagging them, Clare turns to me and says, ‘I was at my Mum’s today and I thought to myself, I’d really like to be a sex toy tester,’
I don’t laugh at this because for Clare to put ‘Sex Toy’ and ‘Work’ in the same sentence [...]
Cakes
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007Louise and Caroline have been shopping and they’ve got something for me. You see, I’ve developed a liking for Weight Watcher’s brand carrot cake.
Someone had brought some into the office for the dieting people to eat on someone’s birthday and, having tried one, I ate 7.
Friday I bought 2 packs and ate them by Saturday [...]
Discount
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007Just after I sit down and turn my machine on, Sharon goes pass my desk and I say to her, ‘I’ve emailed you about my holiday dates, hope they’re okay,’
‘I’ll check them tomorrow if that’s alright, Lovey,’
I’d been hoping to take two weeks off and go to Florida with the Mrs but financially, it’s just [...]
The Master
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007Gilly is working until 6 tonight so I have a little chat with her when I arrive.
I slide my chair across the floor to her desk to talk a bit about her future. She surprises me by saying that it has been suggested she try for the role of account manager that has been advertised [...]
Bully
Wednesday, July 4th, 2007Tonight while I’m taking a call, I hear Clare telling Sharon that we’ve all moved desks because I get lonely and paranoid if they don’t all sit with me. I can’t respond because I’m in the middle of a call.
Next thing I know, Alison has tears in her eyes and Clare is badgering her for [...]
Tying-Up
Thursday, July 5th, 2007At about half 7 Clare suddenly goes, ‘Oh, I signed up for the sexy toy testing thing. I signed online.’
Alison hadn’t been at work the night Clare was telling us about her desire for a career change.
‘That would be your perfect job,’ Alison says, because we all know of Clare’s love of sex.
Then Clare tells [...]
Popcorn
Friday, July 6th, 2007I look at the clock and it reads 17:11. ‘Fuck, fuck,’ I say to Carrie who is at the desk next to me holding a 350g tub of toffee popcorn and shovelling it, literally, though without a shovel, into her gob. ‘You’ve got little bits of popcorn stuck in your ‘tache’, I say. ‘Shouldn’t have,’ [...]
Sun
Saturday, July 7th, 2007It’s Saturday and the sun is out and I have to go to fucking work. When I arrive, Lou is standing out the front waiting for me to unlock and let her in.
‘Fucking typical,’ I say, ‘look at the day Lou, first day of sun this century, practically,’
Inside the office I suggest to Lou that [...]
Mood
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007Both Carrie and I have come in to work in vile moods and to top it all off, women are calling up in their thousands because there’s a sale on and they want their chattels at half price.
I’m afraid to say that the whole process is making me sick.
I’ve never seen any of the products [...]
Soup
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007While the phones are quiet, and I’m wandering around the office taking a peek at people’s desks, I find a packet of cuppa soup on the desk where Jenny used to sit.
I pick it up and read the ingredients.
Seeing that it’s has a low level of fat, I decide to have one and ask Carrie [...]
No One
Wednesday, July 11th, 2007No one’s calling tonight, the phones simply aren’t ringing.
Carrie turns to me, shaking her head, and says, ‘This is fucking insane,’
I sit at my desk beating out a tune with my knuckles and Carrie eats peanuts.
Clare’s not talking because she’s writing her 100words.
‘How many have you done tonight?’ I say to her.
‘5,’ she says.
‘Can I [...]
Review II
Thursday, July 12th, 2007Post-review, back in the main section of the office, Sharon shouts, ‘Want to see where I’m going on holiday?’
‘Plee-ease,’ I say.
‘See,’ Sharon calls out to Amanda, who’s further up the office, ‘Someone’s interested in where I’m going,’
Sharon comes over and shows me a brochure featuring glossy pictures of resorts with miles of pools lined with [...]
Chris, Alison and Jessica Rabbit
Friday, July 13th, 2007‘He bought her a Jessica rabbit,’ says Clare after Alison tells us Chris is in a really bad mood.
‘How do you know?’ I ask Alison, who is smiling over at me.
‘He told me last night and they arrived today.’
I start laughing and Alison continues.
‘He also got me crotch-less stockings, and the whole lot came with [...]
Review You
Friday, July 13th, 2007It’s time again for my bi-monthly review. I don’t give a shit about them really, I know I’m doing an okay job and if there was anything untoward, or the opposite, to be revealed, I’d probably know about it already.
‘I’m going out for a fag, lovey,’ says Sharon, who’s reviewing me, ‘Back in a tic,’
‘No [...]
The Tee Shirts
Friday, July 13th, 2007After spending the whole day at home, intermittently fighting with the wife and sleeping, I was quite pleased to get out of the house and in to the office.
I spend the first few minutes speaking to Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, about Australia.
‘In my country, for example,’ he says, ‘Every people, young [...]
Computer Games
Friday, July 13th, 2007Because there aren’t any calls to take, we play games on the computer. I can’t get the hang of ‘Minesweeper’ so Carrie slides her chair over to teach me ‘Solitaire’.
‘I thought the cards had to follow suit,’ I say.
‘Nope.’ She says.
I win the second hand against the machine.
In the end though, the victory is clouded [...]
Super
Thursday, July 19th, 2007Zsolt, the guy who cleans the office has asked me to bring in some photos of where I come from. Since the discussion about the Hungarians who wear the tee shirt with the word ‘Aboriginal’ written across the front, I’ve come to realise that he is fascinated by Australia, so I’ve brought a couple of [...]
Clare and her OCD
Thursday, July 19th, 2007Thursday night and I get in to work to see a stack of boxes containing those fucking bracelets to unpack and re-bag.
Sharon comes over from her desk to tell us what to do.
‘We know,’ we tell her, ‘We did them all day Saturday, we’re experienced, thanks,’
Then everyone leaves and me, Alison and Clare get stuck [...]
Flooding in Carterton
Friday, July 20th, 2007There’s a festive atmosphere tonight when I arrive at work. There are lot of day staff left, and they’re not at their desks. They’re milling around Sharon’s desk, as if waiting for someone to make a decision.
As I come in, they all turn and stare at me and I say, ‘What?’
‘How did you get in?’ [...]
Flooding in Carterton II
Friday, July 20th, 2007Clare’s not in tonight. The foul weather, having blocked off her roads has given her the night off and she’s at home drinking wine.
I phone her.
‘Hello, my friend,’ I say, ‘aren’t you the lucky one?’
‘I’m drinking,’ she says, and lets out one of her dirty laughs.
‘Are you by yourself?’ I say.
Clare usually has Friday nights [...]
Washing Hands After the Toilet
Tuesday, July 24th, 2007After Zsolt and I have a long conversation about his country, my country, other countries and general other things, I finish off my orders and then go to the toilet.
‘Sometimes I don’t wash my hands after I’ve gone to the toilet,’ I say to Carrie when I get back.
She looks at me.
‘That’s alright, sometimes I [...]
Missing Persons
Tuesday, July 24th, 2007Tonight there seem to be a few people missing from the office.
I sit down and turn my computer on and wonder if it’s because of the floods.
While my machine warms up I look over in Gilly’s direction and say ‘Hi Gil,’
Then I notice she’s cut her hair.
‘Gil, have you cut your hair, matey?’
‘Yes’, she says.
‘I [...]
The Tale of Alison and the Shower at the Gym
Tuesday, July 31st, 2007About half an hour after she arrives, Alison suddenly swings her chair my way, and smiling, says, ‘Ooh, how was your colonic?’
So I launch into the tale of having my backside hosed out, and she grimaces.
‘Ew,’ she says several times during the retelling and I try to reassure her.
‘It’s great for IBS,’ I tell her, [...]
Bad News
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007Tonight there are more bracelets to bag but I swap a task with Clare and start dialling people up to talk to them about problems with their orders.
‘Hello could I speak to Mrs ……, ‘ I say as the first customer answers the phone.
‘Speaking,’ the woman says.
‘Oh hello,’ I say, ‘It’s …. Calling from …… [...]
Mooncup
Friday, August 3rd, 2007‘I’ve just thrown away another fucking pair of knickers,’ I tell Clare and Carrie when I come out of the toilet at work tonight. Carrie is sitting on the floor reading about a man who went swimming with sharks. ‘It’s the third pair today that I’ve chucked out,’ I tell her.
Clare is on the phone [...]
DreamLand
Thursday, August 9th, 2007Tonight toward the end of the shift, I put my head down on my arms and doze.
I don’t dream of anything, which is a pity, and am woken by the phone ringing.
After I have taken the call I sit back and look around the office.
From where I sit I can see Caroline’s screen saver, which [...]
Alison’s New Bra
Thursday, August 9th, 2007At work tonight Alison shows us her new bra.
She doesn’t have time to sit down before Clare, typically, starts informing her what’s wrong with it.
‘2 fingers,’ she says, slipping her index and middle fingers under the strap that graces Alison’s shoulder.
‘Should only be 2 fingers space between flesh and strap otherwise your tits don’t sit [...]
Bag of Balls
Friday, August 10th, 2007Tonight drags like no other night in living memory. Carrie is sitting on the floor bagging balloons. Clare is playing with her new phone.
Suddenly she remembers that we are entering an erotica writing competition so she phones home to get the details. While she’s on the phone to Stuart I tell her it would be [...]
Bottom feeder
Friday, August 10th, 2007At work tonight I Hoover junk food into mouth like some fat, bottom dwelling sea mammal. I find a bag of toffee éclairs from Dave’s last day at work and I snag a few. Then Clare comes back from the vending machine with a bag of Worcestershire flavoured crisps and I try one. Then Clare [...]
Shoes, Shoes, Fucking Shoes
Friday, August 10th, 2007A woman calls up for shoes.
‘I been on holiday,’ she says, ‘I got your magazine in the airport, but I forgot to bring it home,’
‘Do you know the page?’ I say
She doesn’t’, nor the product name or number.
‘There’s not much I can do,’ I say.
We both fall silent.
She’s expecting me to go through the magazine [...]
The Postman
Saturday, August 11th, 2007Today at work the phones don’t run hot so we spend the day writing porn.
Confused by the end of the day between what qualifies as porn and what as
erotica, we search for the meaning on Wikipedia.
‘Apparently erotica is artistic, arousing artistically rather than by just straight filth,’ I tell Clare and Caroline while I’m sitting [...]
Scream
Saturday, August 11th, 2007I’m so sick of the phone ringing I could shriek.
If I have to listen to one more fucker ordering a bag, I think I might throw up or scream.
All day long it’s, ‘I’d like to order a mat’ or, ‘the bag I received is the wrong.’
Sometimes I want to ask, ‘Why are you inside on [...]
Pink Sabbath
Sunday, August 12th, 2007Today, the day of the Sabbath apparently, it’s me, Emma and Louise at work and several large boxes of those fucking pink balloons.
I start the day well, bagging and boxing several hundred bags of powdered pink rubber until around just before lunchtime when I get someone that winds me up so much that I simply [...]
Full On
Tuesday, August 14th, 2007Tonight, about 15 minutes after I get to work, Sharon comes in from the warehouse and calls my name.
‘T… Le……’, she calls out.
‘Yes,’ I call back.
She signals for me to come over to her desk so I obey.
I don’t realise but she wants me to sit down with her, she has something to tell me.
I [...]
Full On II
Tuesday, August 14th, 2007‘Okay lovey,’ she says, ‘I got your email about doing Dave’s hours,’
‘Oh yes,’ I say.
You’ll be helping me out, Lovey, doing some day shifts,’
I smile and say, ‘Oh fantastic,’
Then we talk a bit about what hours I’ll do, when, and etc.
‘Of course, no jeans in the day, no trainers, and no ‘Welcome to Gayland’ tee [...]
Mooncup Moonschmup
Thursday, August 16th, 2007Tonight practically as soon as she sits down, Alison tells me she has a problem related to her vagina.
‘I think it’s from my tampon string,’ she says.
‘It’s probably a callous from using your vibe too much,’ I say, laughing.
‘That’s what Chris reckons,’ Alison says, ‘but I think it’s caused by my tampon string,’
‘Get a Mooncup,’ [...]
More With Steph
Thursday, August 16th, 2007On approximately the 4th of April I’m going full-time.
I pop over to Sharon’s desk to confirm.
‘Will my pay stay the same?’ I ask.
‘Ooh, I’m not sure lovey,’ she says, ‘I’ll ask Steph. Email me and remind me to email her will you?’ she says.
‘Sure,’ I say giving her the thumbs up and a smile.
Poor Sharon [...]
Vagina
Friday, August 17th, 2007Because Alison’s vagina is causing her some worry, we get on to the topic of what’s normal and abnormal in female genitalia.
‘Chris told me mine wasn’t pretty anymore, after I’d had the kids,’ says Alison
Then Clare starts describing her own vagina.
But Alison is still confused, so because I’ve been to art school, I tell her [...]
Drizzle
Saturday, August 18th, 2007I’m not thrilled to be going in to work this morning. I’m tired and the sky is grey and can only manage a bit of drizzle.
Once I arrive however, things start to pick up. I’m on shift with Clare and Alex, my favourite colleagues.
After we’ve said our hellos Alex goes straight the vending machine.
‘Drinks anyone?’ [...]
A Question
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007Tonight, out of pure boredom, I adjust and then readjust the resolution on my monitor.
Then, tired of that, I ask Gill if she wants a tea.
‘You want tea, Gill?’ I say.
She cocks her head to one side and frowns, trying to make up her mind.
‘Have a green one,’ I say.
‘She straightens her head up and [...]
Balloons…..Again
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007Carrie has called in sick and so has Alison so tonight it’s me and Gilly.
‘Balloons, lovey,’ Sharon tells me before I leave, ‘Bagging those balloons again.
Against the wall are boxes of pink fucking balloons.
‘Do they ever end?’ I say to Sharon.
Sitting down at my desk I notice Alex.
‘Hi Alex,’ I say, ‘you look spiffy today,’
He’s [...]
Porn
Thursday, August 23rd, 2007Tonight virtually as soon as Clare sits down, she says, “I’ve got something to show you,”
I turn toward her, “What is it,?” I ask her.
“Another porn story,” she says, “And I need you to edit it,”
I start laughing. Clare is embarking on a new career as a porn author and spends a lot of time [...]
Souper
Friday, August 24th, 2007Tonight I bring Gilly a plastic bag of homemade soup, sellotaped into a takeaway container that I’d kept from a Thai takeaway I’d had recently.
‘Sorry, Gill,’ I say, ‘I didn’t have a tub with a lid that fit. I had to put the soup in a bag and then the bag in the takeaway container [...]
Addict
Saturday, August 25th, 2007Today at work, while stuffing envelopes with letters of apology to customers, I started thinking about Friday nights and how there’s always a festive feeling in the office.
Last night there’d been a particularly jovial atmosphere as Sharon was leaving for almost 3 weeks holiday in hurricane torn Mexico.
‘You all sorted out nicotine wise for the [...]
Porn II
Saturday, August 25th, 2007Clare has bought a domain name and is going to start publishing her porn stories online.
Coincidentally, today in some awful magazine she’s reading at work, there’s an article on how to make it big writing porn. She gets very excited and starts tearing at the page and saying, ‘Ooh, ooh, look at this,’
On the page [...]
Bank
Tuesday, September 4th, 2007A woman phones, irritated and slightly forceful.
‘Why’s no money been taken from my account, even though I have my goods. I’m trying to keep track of my finances and I expected that the money had been taken,’
‘Goods won’t be shipped out to you without payment being taken,’ I say, following up with the suggestion that [...]
Full On
Tuesday, September 4th, 2007Today is my first day of fulltime.
Having been off for a week, I’m dreading it slightly.
On my way through to the kitchen, to put my boiled eggs and fried rice in the fridge, I give Louise a little tickle on the neck and, even though she’s on the phone, she gives me a little wave.
Her [...]
Alex’s Teeth
Tuesday, September 4th, 2007Post lunch hour my first day and I’m so tired that I start wondering how I will last 6 the weeks of 8.5 hours a day.
I call to Alex, who’s sitting opposite me at the computer island, ‘How do you do this everyday?’ I say.
He smiles and starts to stand up. Halfway, though into an [...]
Gilly Looks Tired
Wednesday, September 5th, 2007As she heads back from the kitchen to her desk, I notice Gilly looks tired.
‘You look tired,’ I tell her.
‘Thanks for the compliment,’ she says.
I laugh. ‘I didn’t say you were ugly, just tired,’ I say.
‘It’s probably this thing growing on the side of my face,’ she says.
Gillian has a pimple between her eye and [...]
Sore Bottom
Wednesday, September 5th, 2007The first person I see this morning, as I enter the office, is Gillian, who alongside Alex, is one of my favourites among the full timers.
After I turn my computer on, I go into the kitchen and put my home made three-bean, mozzarella, tomato and balsamic vinegar dressed salad, in the fridge.
I dither about whether [...]
No Joke, Maria
Wednesday, September 5th, 2007It’s just after lunch and, coincidentally, as Maria approaches my desk with a bundle of envelopes, I’m considering standing up and screaming, ‘IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE?’
But I don’t.
Instead I start tearing open the envelopes that Maria has handed me.
‘I don’t know how to process these,’ I say, looking up at her.
‘Don’t worry, [...]
Nothern
Wednesday, September 5th, 2007After lunch, in the kitchen area, a northern-accented woman (whose name I don’t know) and I discuss how unnatural it is to be locked inside all day.
At some point in the conversation she says, ‘I was locked in a toilet on the weekend without 10p,’
I do a double-take, wondering if I’ve missed the part leading [...]
Soup II
Thursday, September 6th, 2007This morning, because I leave the house late, I race to work so fast on my bicycle that when I finally pull up at the office, I swear I can taste blood from my lungs.
No one greets me when I walk in, and I suspect that there’s some kind of ‘mood’ going on.
Ignoring this, I [...]
Disturbing
Thursday, September 6th, 2007Midday-ish I take a call from a young woman who it turns out is the carer for an elderly lady who has just taken delivery of a pack disposable bed pads.
‘Can you tell me the price of them, for the pack?’ she says.
I log on to my system and check what she’s paid for them.
‘22 [...]
UHTerrible
Friday, September 7th, 2007Heading back from the toilet I decide to make coffee. I put whitener in a mug, a teaspoon of coffee on top, water and add 4 of those tiny UHT faux-milks. However, on the first sip I realise the milk is off.
I start making another. At the faux-milk stage again, I see that the last [...]
Man-Piss
Friday, September 7th, 2007Zsolt, the Hungarian guy who cleans the office, has gone back to Hungary for a holiday, to catch up with his dogs and his mother.
As a result, the office toilets look like those of a kindergarten. There’s toilet paper all over the floor and the bins are overflowing with hand towels and there are droplets [...]
Mug
Friday, September 7th, 2007This morning, out of pure boredom, I choose a mug from the kitchen area and decide to make it my favourite for the rest of the time I’m here. It’s white and features worn gold piping around the lip, a Royal Air Force, Squadron 101 logo, and inscribed on a scroll under that in Latin, [...]
Hangar
Friday, September 7th, 2007Today, having started at 11.30, I take my lunch break at 4.15pm.
I go upstairs to the rest area, a sort of loft section above the office where there’s a big blue sofa, 2 microwaves, some tables and a big flat screen TV on one wall. I like this room during the day but after dark [...]
Gilly’s Stomach
Sunday, September 9th, 2007Gilly has a bad stomach.
‘I’ve been awake since 4am with this sort of burning up here,’ she says, drawing an imaginary line up her torso with her index finger.
‘Wind?’ I say.
‘Nah,’ she says, going on to list what she ate last night.
‘Maybe it’s stress,’ I say, ‘because you’re moving up the office.’
Gilly is moving up [...]
Lou’s Date
Sunday, September 9th, 2007Lou has a date. She had one last night, too. A guy she met online.
‘I’ve been chatting to him for about a year,’ she tells me.
Cutting to the chase I say, ‘Have you done anything with him?’
‘No,’ she says, ‘there’s something about him I’m not sure about,’
‘Married?’ I say.
Lou smiles.
It turns out he has a [...]
Anything, Nothing…..
Monday, September 10th, 20078.37am and a bitch-woman calls up, harassing about sale catalogues.
‘Tell me how much your sale is,’ she says.
It’s early, and flustered by her aggressive manner, I put her on hold to ask Maria, then relay that the sale has finished.
‘When did it finish?’ says bitch-woman, forcing me to quiz Maria again.
After telling her it finished [...]
Shit
Monday, September 10th, 2007After a lunchtime picnic with Gilly, I’m feeling windy.
A couple of times during the afternoon, feeling bloated from the broccoli, I pop into the toilets and try to relieve myself.
On the third try I can smell that someone (I think I know who) has been in and had a big shit. It’s too late to [...]
Grrr, Grrr, Grrr…….
Monday, September 10th, 2007I take a call from an old woman who says she has arthritis, therefore qualifying for VAT exemption.
‘I’m crippled with osteoarthritis,’ she bleats.
Several times during the call she mentions a different company to the one I work for, leading me to believe she might’ve called the wrong number.
This is confirmed by the fact that she [...]
Catalogue Revisited
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007The phone rings and lo and behold it’s that woman who, just yesterday, told me I didn’t know anything.
‘Hey” she says, ‘I want to know about your catalogue, that one with a hundred pages,’
Recognising her voice I start to smile and turn to Louise, mouthing, ‘It’s that catalogue-freak from yesterday,’
Louise is smiling, mouthing, ‘Who?’
I can’t [...]
Shameless
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007A woman calls up to order paraphernalia for a charity account we’re handling. The Christians are filling boxes with ’stuff’ to send to the poor, spreading the message of Jesus simultaneously. (I wonder if that message includes the smiting and stoning of non-believers)
“I want to know where to drop these off,’ she tells me after [...]
Catalogue Revisited I
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007A woman calls up requesting that our catalogue full of pictures of over priced bags and shit be sent to her home.
‘Brilliant,’ she says after I tell her I’ve processed her order.
Next, a man calls up for the Jesus charity.
‘Brilliant,’ he says when I tell him the bits of paper will arrive with him within [...]
Gay
Saturday, September 15th, 2007Around 5.30 a guy phones looking for some piece of furniture he’s ordered.
After his postcode draws a blank on my system I ask if he’s ordered online or via post.
‘Neither,’ he says, so I explain that we don’t deal with items bought in-store.
Then he says something that makes me laugh.
‘I don’t mean to be rude, [...]
Sick
Sunday, September 16th, 2007The first thing Clare tells me is that she has lost her mojo, so he spends the second half of the shift massaging Carrie’s shoulders and head.
‘Are you getting the horn yet?’ I ask her.
When she says no I tell her to put her hands down Carrie’s top and touch her breasts.
‘Go on,’ says Carrie, [...]
Queery II
Monday, September 17th, 2007Then what I’ll do is put them hold for around a minute, so they think I’m doing something about their query.
For those approx 60 seconds that they’re on hold, I’ll probably file a nail, look at an email or have a bite of my rice cake.
And then I’ll come back on the line and say, [...]
Query
Monday, September 17th, 2007A woman calls up looking for her mat. From the notes on her order I see that she has already called and, in fact, spoken to me.
The notes say her mat is still in the warehouse, waiting to be sent out to her. When I tell her this she isn’t irritated, but I can tell [...]
Pop Food
Monday, September 17th, 2007At 1pm I take my lunch and go, with Gilly, to the rest area above the office where we sit on the blue sofas eating our salads.
‘I could live up here,’ I tell Gill.
After Gilly finishes her salad she says, ‘I’m going to the garage, want something?’
Near the office there’s a garage where the staff [...]
Ring, Ring, Why Don’t You Give Me a Call…..
Monday, September 17th, 2007From 9am the phone doesn’t stop ringing. It rings and rings and rings and rings a-fucking-gain.
It’s hounding me.
It’s like a pack of beggar children hanging off my leg, tugging at me even after I’ve given them thousands of pounds.
Relentless.
As the morning goes on, every time the fucking thing rings my stomach muscles, involuntarily tighten and [...]
Platter
Monday, September 17th, 2007Between the store room and the director’s offices are two meeting rooms.
This morning there’s a meeting being held in one of them and during a lull in calls I stare through the window at the participants. At 12pm one of the participants gets up, goes past me into the kitchen and then goes back to [...]
Prize Draw
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007A man calls up about a wheelchair.
‘Will it fold up and fit in me boot, love?’ he says.
‘You need to call another number,’ I say.
‘No, no,’ he insists, ‘I want information, that’s all,’
We ‘re supposed to redirect people calling for the disgraceful Old Peoples charity to another number, but this gentleman persists.
So after 20 minutes [...]
What Can You See?
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007I get to work early so, after I’ve made a cup of tea, I sit at my desk fiddling with the dried-up spot under my nose and staring down the office at the rest of the staff.
From my vantage point, at the very top of the office, with my back to the kitchen, I can [...]
Alison
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007As soon as Alison sits down she starts telling me how Chris’ credit card has been cloned.
‘Someone in Bolton bought a Sony digital camera with it and there are another 3 transactions waiting to be processed,’ she says.
‘Fuck,’ I say staring at her over the partition between our desks.
‘Can the bank reimburse him’? I ask [...]
Sing Along
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007After lunch, while I’m inputting postal orders into the system, I notice that there are songs going around in my head.
The first one is a Johnny Cash tune, which features the line, ‘…and I got 18 minutes to go…’
Another one is AC/DC’s ‘Jailbreak’, though it isn’t the whole song, simply the chorus, repeated.
‘Jailbreak, nuh, nuh, [...]
Zsolt’s Back
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007Zsolt’s back from his holiday and when he arrives at 5.20 I shout out his name.
‘Zsolt, hey,’ I say a bit too loudly, making me realise how fond I am of him.
‘Hey,’ he says, ‘Hello,’ and waves at me from the door.
‘I have small gift for you,’ he says, holding his hand up and making [...]
Bin
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007This morning as I pull up at work I notice one of the directors out front on the grassy verge in front of the building, hosing out the kitchen area’s bin.
‘Oh, Fuck,’ I think to myself.
I go straight into the kitchen where one of the warehouse staff is making tea.
‘There was a terrible stink in [...]
James’ Hair
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007Today there’s a new boy in the office, a phone-answerer like us.
There’ve been a few newcomers in the last 2 weeks.
Jo last week, another one called Tina last night and now James.
What makes James remarkable is the extraordinary colour of his hair.
It’s copper, literally, and very beautiful to look at.
It looks so gorgeous that I [...]
Gay
Thursday, September 27th, 2007There are new folk in the office.
A girl with a pierced lip sits at the computer island nearest the door and next to Louise is a young man who gives me a wave as I sit.
‘My name’s Marlon,’ he says, Louise introducing him.
Later I see Gilly speaking to him.
Eavesdropping, I understand that they went to [...]
Animals
Thursday, September 27th, 2007This morning there are so many new members of staff taking calls that I can sit back and survey the office.
I’m looking at the back of Gill’s head when I notice that Louise (from accounts, not call center) and 2 other women, whose names I don’t know, have plastic animals sitting along the top of [...]
Bitch-Cunt Part II
Thursday, September 27th, 2007‘I’ve searched the site,’ says Bitch-cunt, ‘using code, item name, can’t find it,’
I’d like to respond; ‘You’re lucky you can’t because an uptight fuck like you will have an aneurism when you see the shit quality of it.’
But I don’t get the chance.
‘I’ve been on this premium rate line long enough.’ She harps, ‘If this [...]
Bitch-Cunt Part I
Thursday, September 27th, 2007What I can only describe as a ‘Bitch-cunt’ calls looking to order some over-priced catalogue shit.
From her tone of voice early on, I know she’ll be trouble.
‘Can I check that the necklace is £16?’ she says after placing her order.
‘It’s actually £20,’ I say.
‘Well, my catalogue says it’s 16,’ she whinnies back.
‘Unfortunately the sale’s finished,’ [...]
Blind II
Monday, October 1st, 2007Just after I arrive in the office, Maria comes over to my desk with Marlon.
‘Marlon’s going to sit with you today,’ Maria tells me.
‘Oh?’ I say as Sharon arrives at my desk and stands behind Maria.
‘I don’t want to leave you by yourself just yet, lovey?’ Sharon says to Marlon
‘Okay,’ says Marlon, sitting down next [...]
Porn
Monday, October 1st, 2007At half 9 I see Gilly coming down the office toward me. Because of her new position, she sits at the other end of the office now, near the heating control cupboard and the photocopiers.
‘Yo Gill,’ I say. I always smile when I see Gilly; she has that effect.
‘You should be careful what you leave [...]
Blind
Monday, October 1st, 2007Thursday Maria comes over to my desk, bringing two new girls with her.
‘This is Phyl and Jackie. They’re going to sit with you, can you show them how to input some orders?’
‘Sure,’ I say.
After I say hi to Phyl and Jackie they get a chair each and sit on either side of my desk, leaning [...]
The Internet
Monday, October 1st, 2007Just after lunch Alex looks over at me and starts mouthing something.
I’m watching his mouth move and eyebrows go up and down but because of my earwax I can’t make out what he’s saying.
‘Come over here,’ I mouth.
Round at my desk, one hand on the partition and the other on his hip, Alex looks around [...]
Experimental
Thursday, October 4th, 2007I’m eating a rice cake and thinking about how I wish I had some vegemite and butter or sliced tomato on it, when I look up and notice Matt the director standing behind Jo-from-account’s desk, staring through the long rectangular window that overlooks the data capture area.
Jo is standing next to him, tapping the bottom [...]
Conservative
Thursday, October 4th, 2007Getting to work early this morning, I go over to Emma’s desk to have a quick chat.
‘Hi Emma,’ I say.
Then noticing that one of the new girls isn’t at her desk, I say, ‘where’s the new girl, has she quit already?’
‘No,’ says Emma, ’she’s on holiday for a week, her dad’s taken her to Auschwitz [...]
This Blue Planet
Saturday, October 6th, 2007At lunchtime I go upstairs to eat my rice. Having left work early yesterday with the shits, I’m eating minimalist.
After browsing a newspaper I sit on the sofa watching David Attenborough’s Blue Planet.
At a certain point baby turtles break out of their shells and run across the sand toward the ocean.
They’re so cute that I [...]
Sandwiches
Saturday, October 6th, 2007It’s ‘Jeans for Genes’ day and I’m wearing dungarees so when I go to ask Maria a question about the Jesus charity, she remarks on my clothing.
Then she says, ‘What was it that turned you off men?’
‘Their cocks and personalities,’ I say.
She laughs.
‘You should ask me what turned me on to women,’ I say.
‘What was [...]
Sinister
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007 There’s something sinister about the Jesus Charity’s Gift Box for the Poor and War Torn Children appeal, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.
Until today.
You see, even though they ask gift-givers not to add anything ‘religious’ to the boxes, the fact that the box arrives at Christmas is religion by [...]
The Nice Man Part II
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007Coincidentally, later on, the nice man phones up inquiring about his order.
‘Oh, Mr Nice-Man,’ I say when I input his order reference and see his name come up.
‘I remember you. Let’s see if I’ve got any news for you,’
Checking the notes on my system I see nothings changed, so I put him on hold and [...]
The Nice Man Part I
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007It’s quiet on the phones, so for something to do I check on the order status of a nice man who has been waiting an extraordinary time for a couple of sticks of furniture.
Inputting his order number into my system, I bring up his details and see that he still doesn’t have his goods.
The last [...]
I’ll Miss Alex
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007Because I’ve moved I now sit with my back to Alex, so we have to swivel to talk to each other.
‘Nice night last night, Brucey?’ says Alex, swivelling.
Alex calls me Brucey and I call him Sheila.
‘Yeh, it was fine,’ I tell him, one eye on him and the other on a website.
Then, because Alex is [...]
The Woman Who Says Fuck
Thursday, October 11th, 2007A woman calls up to order a Mat.
‘Did I just speak to you?’ she says.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say.
‘I just ordered a mat,’ she says, ‘I want to add another one,’
‘I’m afraid I can’t add to the order,’ I tell her, ‘I’d have to cancel your first order and make another one,’
‘I don’t want to [...]
Adina the Showgirl
Thursday, October 11th, 2007Around lunchtime Adina passes my desk on her way to the kitchen.
‘When’s your party? ‘She says.
Since I’ve moved desks, Adina’s in my line of vision, and even though she works further up the office, we’ve begun saying hi in the morning.
‘I’m making sushi,’ I call to her as she stands by the drink dispenser ‘do [...]
Mexican Mat
Monday, October 15th, 2007A lady calls up looking to order a Mat. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in my last week, the ‘home-stretch’, or that I’m wooed by her accent, but I find myself being more accommodating than usual.
‘I rather like this Mexican style one,’ she says, her vowels elongating, ‘but I fear it may be [...]
Emetophobia
Monday, October 15th, 2007Just as I’m arriving at the office I run into Caroline.
‘Alright, my friend?’ I say.
‘Not really, I feel sick, actually,’ she tells me, ‘and I don’t know what it’s like to be sick.’
While I’m wondering what she means by this, she elaborates, ‘I’ve never been sick in my life, I’ve never vomited,’
‘Emetophobia?’ I say, ‘Fear [...]
Screaming Wanker
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007A man I can only describe as a screaming wanker calls up for the Jesus Charity.
‘Hello,’ he shouts in a sort of an unintentional parody of a bawdy sailor’s voice, ‘I’d like to order some of your leaflets,’
‘Okay,’ I say.
‘I’d like to order some of your leaflets,’ he shouts again as if I’d said ‘Speak [...]
Emma’s Little Chocolate Bites
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007By 2.13 I’m bored, hungry and fixated on a tub of Tesco chocolate bites on Emma’s desk.
‘Emma,’ I call out, ‘Emma,’
I can see Emma is chewing and has a bag of crisps on her desk so I imagine the noise of the crisps crunching in her mouth is blocking my call.
Finally, I get up and [...]
Carrie Acting Extreme
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007It’s half past 7, an hour exactly to go, and we start talking about the new workers.
‘I haven’t met any of the new ones,’ says Carrie.
‘I like Jo, she’s really sweet,’ I say.
‘Is she the one who sits over there?’ says Carrie, pointing to the desk where Jo sits.
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘Is she the really pretty [...]
What Type of Bird?
Wednesday, October 17th, 2007A woman calls up for the Jesus charity. Her voice is fast and high and, because I’m bored, I start to imagine if she were an animal, what kind of animal she would be.Initially I picture her as a hen, but as the call goes on, her nervousness becomes more apparent, so I imagine her [...]
Uppity Cunts
Friday, October 19th, 2007After lunch I get a succession of uppity cunts calling to order mats.
Two of them in particular get uptight and impatient when I ask them to repeat the spelling of their hyphenated surnames.
‘Could you spell your surname just one more time?’ I ask Mr Upyour-Ownarse, just to wind him up, smiling to myself as the [...]
It’s Not MY Website
Friday, October 19th, 2007A woman calls up.
‘I’m on your website,’ she whines, ‘trying to place and order but I’m getting a blank screen,’
‘Let me just have a look,’ I say, putting her on hold thinking it’s not MY website.
After doing a test order I get her back on the line and tell her that things are working from [...]
Facemasks And Food
Friday, October 19th, 2007While I’m sat at my desk putting mouth-to-mouth resuscitation facemasks into tiny red key ring sacks, I overhear Sharon’s conversation with Jo (from sales) about food.
Sharon is trying to decide where to go for dinner with her husband this evening and has swivelled her chair all the way round to face Jo, who is offering [...]
Rocking Horse
Friday, October 19th, 2007A woman calls up to order shit from the OverpricedShit Christmas catalogue.
‘I’d like to order the rocking horse for my niece,’ she says.
Inputting the code I see they aren’t in stock.
‘They won’t be in stock until the 11th of November,’ I tell her.
‘Oh no,’ she cries out, as if I’ve just told her she has [...]
The Nice Man Part III
Friday, October 19th, 2007Tuesday night and I’m surprised when I take a call from Mr Nice Man.
‘Hello,’ he says, in his lovely, deep, gorgeous Scottish accent.
‘Ooh, Mr Nice Man,’ I say, ‘I recognise your voice,’
‘Aye,’ he says, ‘I’ve called so many times,’
‘I’m surprised to hear from you again, I say, ‘Have you still not received your furniture,’
‘Aye,’ he [...]
Going-Away
Monday, October 22nd, 2007At 5.13 I’m at my desk spraying Pledge onto a yellow cleaning cloth Zsolt keeps in the cupboard in the disabled toilet when Caroline comes over with an envelope.
‘Whats this?’ I say.
‘Going-away present,’ she says, ‘from the office,’
I’m surpised. I wasn’t expecting anything.
‘I wasn’t expecting anything,’ I say.
We didn’t know what to get you,’ she [...]